Alone and in Pain…

I’m tired. I’m exhausted. I’m fed up.

I’m 20 years old and a junior in college and I literally don’t have a life. I don’t socialize much. I isolate myself; however, I’m not happy when I do so. I feel lonely and sad.

When I’m alone, my whole life runs through my mind.

When I was in the 12th grade my father got diagnosed with cancer. The doctors said he had only a few months left. My dad fought hard and stood strong. A year later. The day I was getting ready to leave to start college he passed away. I was completely heartbroken. Like all the positivity in life got sucked out and everything just got so black.

So, I spent my first year of college doing messed up things. Like partying, drinking, and hooking up with guys. I did whatever I could do just to keep myself from thinking of my dad. I didn’t want to think of him. I didn’t want to think of him being dead. I made myself believe that there is no such thing as love. I could never commit to a relationship. I would directly push the guy away when he got serious.

The issue of not being committed to a guy was before my fathers death as well. I could just never commit to a guy. Till this day, I feel like I fear of getting into a relationship because of the commitment it needs.

Everytime I sit alone, I keep remembering the rough times my dad had as a cancer patient because I experienced it all with him. I was with him every step of the way.

Once, my mom left me home alone with my dad. He was in his final stage of cancer. He could barely walk and could barely speak. So, he asked me if I could help him to the bathroom. So I did. I helped him sit on the wheelchair and guided him towards the bathroom. He told me to leave him. I stood out of the bathroom for nearly 5 minutes. I started to sense something was wrong. I knock and open the door slowly. He was sitting on the toilet with his head between hands, crying… I felt my heart squeeze. I felt I was choking on my tears. I held myself together and asked him what was wrong. He didn’t answer. I looked down. He had his pants still on but it was all wet. It was devastating to see my father in such a weak state and crying.

I told him it was fine. I cleaned him up; however, he avoided making eye contact with me and avoided talking to me.

I helped him back onto the wheelchair and back to his bed.

As soon as my mom came home, I left everything and went for a drive to the beach. I parked the car in front of the beach that night and cried. I cried and cried for hours then I reminded myself that my father needs positive energy in the house. I need to stay smiling and keep him smiling and laughing in any way possible. I came back home that night to find the ambulance parked outside. He fell into a seizure and my mom was freaking out. That day was the day he went to the hospital and fell into a coma. He was kept at the hospital for two weeks and my mother and brothers would not tell my sister and I anything of what was happening. My sister and I had no clue that it would be his end. A day before his death, my uncle comes and drives my sister and I up to the hospital and find him in a coma. We burst out into tears. The man that meant the world to us was dying in pain right in front of our own eyes and my mother and brothers kept it from us. My sis and I return home that night and wake up the next morning directly getting our things ready to go visit our dad hoping he’d stay alive. Death didnt cross our minds. 6:42 AM  5 minutes before my sister and I left the house to head to the hospital we get a phone call from my brother saying that God took his soul…

Yea so that was a nightmare. I know my sister which is younger than me by 3 years got really affected by all this; however, I was always by her side and I still am.

Anyways, like I said in my first year of college I lost myself and drank till I could forget the pain. In my second year of college, I awakened myself to reality that my father is dead. I was devastated waking myself up to that fact. I was trying to avoid thinking of him so I wouldn’t feel the pain but then the time came where the pain that I bottled up exploded. I isolated myself from everyone around me. I was really quiet around people and saw only the negative in life. I was depressed. Now Im nearly done with my 3rd year of college and I’m trying to push myself out of it. I’m trying my best to find happiness but I can’t. The pain hits me every time I’m alone. I don’t have much friends. One of my best friends traveled to a different continent 2 years ago. Since then, I haven’t been really hanging out with people. And I hate talking about my life to anyone even my family. I feel like I’d annoy them or I’m lame to complain about my life.