So, I never thought i’d be trying to talk to people online for advise but here goes nothing… Iv’e been with many women trying to find that one girl and all of my relationships have never really lasted long because I just emotionally refuse to fully give myself to someone until my last relationship. I hope you won’t judge but my last relationship was online in an online game me and my friend used to play and I met this girl, she was really nice and I was getting in to her and I could feel she liked me and just when I was getting the courage to ask her out my friend who plays the game with me just recently broke up with one of his online girlfriends and ask her out before I got the chance. Now I know all of this seems silly with an online relationship but when you feel like really feel something when you’re with something it just doesn’t seem to matter. After that day I’ve just dealt with it but I noticed I was losing my friend and I wanted him to hang out with me more because we’ve been best friends for a while but all he ever does is hangout with her. So I convince him and she gets mad at me but I didn’t really care, but as we were talking I was able to calm the situation and we became some-what close friends. A month later I learned that my friend was moving to Oregon and I didn’t really feel much about it as we could still be in contact online. But because of my friend moving me and the girl hung out A LOT and I mean everyday online in skype and we kept getting closer and closer and one thing led to another and she made me confess my feelings for her and she confessed to me but she just couldn’t leave my friend because hes all depressed and a pretty big guy and I could easily find a girlfriend, but then I just couldn’t give up on her (when I really should have). I planned that if I could stay friend with her and get closer and closer she’ll eventually see that I really like her and she could like me( Note: at this point I was acting like a different person and not like myself, i was acting like someone she would love without thinking about later consequences of this) and this went on for a while but I made some slip ups like sexting and she would sext back and phone sex and all these things she would cheat on my friend for and it felt great!(Note also at this point me and my friend were no longer friends if you haven’t figured that out already!) and everything I went through to keep that contact with her was ‘mostly’ working as she wanted me to leave so many times but I just kept fighting for her as I knew she wasn’t even happy, my friend was mean to her and called her names I would talk to her friends and they would all say I would be a better match with her. Overall I just wanted her to be happy and the only way I was sure to know that she would be happy would for her to be with me.. I couldnt leave her with him I didnt want him to hurt her like his ex (but now I know I hurt everyone in the process because im selfish). And this went on for some time.
After months and months of this I began to break down and I was losing hope but whenever I just tried to leave her she would make me come back, a memorable moment would be when I ordered pizza and a new game came out and all I wanted to do was have fun and I just call her and tell her im leaving with high hopes she would be happy and she just breaks down, its like she wants me to fight for her and this is what kept me going for a long time. I just wanted to make her happy so ended up calling her the next day saying I’ll stay despite all the times she tried getting rid of me but even after that she still tries to get rid of me and I was just so blinded by this so called “love” I had with her that I just kept coming back. This ended up making a pattern of me leaving and coming back over and over and over and over and over again and over again and again!(It was like a lot of times) but after a long time of pain and suffering I finally left her. But after a while of course I got in contact with her again and the day after that she asks me “Do you care if your friends do weed?”and I was heart broken once again she would tell me about her new boyfriend she didnt really like but is with and she would do drugs and shes all depressed and everything I tried to keep away from her she dove right in to, she also had sex with this person with alot of positive and negative reinforcment she eventually left him on her own whim and we finally got together…but does that mean everything is alright and we can be happy again???NOPE. So we were happy and I mean really happy for a while but eventually I got that feeling of being tired and worn out again and this is because we would skype every single day and I am someone that likes to be alone a lot and you can only imagine of what this does to me but all she wants to do is see me every minute of the day and if im not at the computer she wants me to text her throughout the entire day until I get back. I could understand doing all of that if we were married but we were just still stupid kids things didnt need to be that serious. As we’re together she seems to sense that im not having a good time and she would always ask whats wrong and I wouldnt tell her the truth because I didnt want to hurt her feelings and we slowly started to drift apart and she started hanging out with some other guy and she almost broke up with me after all the things ive done for her, like giving myself entirely for her. I ended up saving the relationship by again being someone who isnt me( and outgoing talking all the time person and this is the second time ive done this!!!) and she became interested again and I saved our relationship once again…but i ended up leaving again because I wanted to actually hang out with my friends that i never get to see, the relationship started to feel like a chore or a responsibility and I just couldnt stand it but I loved her and I wanted to be with her I felt like it was just me and I was a horrible boyfriend for always leaving her every time this got tough and I still didnt see that she wansnt the one for me.
So we loved each other for some time and she ended up giving me my own space because she would play with her new friends and it was nice to have a break once and a while but it was still pretty awful. But the thing is she would hang out with a whole bunch of guys online but it didnt bother me much as I trusted her that she wouldnt have feelings with anyone else BOY was I wrong. She ended up liking another guy and before you know it she was hanging out with him more than me which gave me more space but hurt really bad and I wanted her back. We were still together for some time and what we would always do is keep the phone on and sleep together but what I would do is mute my phone and play some games and have fun and this made things bearable but that was the biggest mistake ever, she found out I was doing this and apparently thats a big enough of a lie to break up with something but I didnt give up fighting for her. One thing led to another and another guy came in to this whole thing and it was a love triangle of two guys liking my girlfriend who then was not my girlfriend anymore :(. I feel like this is my own fault though since I am not being myself and she falls in love with the person I am not, i then slip up and show my true self and she gets uninterested with me. Sadly she didnt want more than a love triangle and I wasnt apart of this “thing” this time. She ending up being with the first guy I mentioned and she was happy and we were friends but then the new guy wasnt sexually satisfying apparently and ended having phone sex with the other guy I mentioned while still being with the first guy(crazy right?) So eventually the second guy really wasnt a thing anymore and she was still with the first guy and I actually just left, I stopped, I just said im done and I was beginning to move on..I knew she would be happy with him. So thats it right? End of story??? NOPE she ended up texting me later on saying how the guy is leaving her and I ended up trying to comfort her while smiling because im kind of glad shes in pain after all the crap ive felt. So we ended up being friends again with me trying to be with her again and the first guy eventually broke up with her(note he broke up with her for the same reason i kept leaving which was she just wont give anyone any space)and even though I wanted to try again she didnt want to be with me because I keep leaving ( I wonder why) and she got with someone in real life and I kept fighting but I finally just lost..all the years ive known her ive finally lost all the trying and all the pain was finally rewarded with just more pain. We kept in contact for a while and I would type to her online I could see her just changing from what I knew as a forgiving sweet saint like person to something I didnt recognize anymore. Just recently I sent her a link of a video and I wanted to make her laugh and she says “are you trying to be funny” and I just snapped… i was so tired of the new her from something I loved ever so dearly turned in to something I hate. She was so corrupted by what seems to be the cruelty of this world and me and all the crap she got put through because of me. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about her although I hope she’ll be happy with the guy shes with. I cant shake the feeling that this is all my fault..writing this I see how the girl is somewhat responsible for my actions as she kept bringing me back in to this thing and hurting me in the process and I do this because I just want her to be happy, she deserves at least.
tl;dr How to move on from a painful experiance (Please actually read)
So thats my story, please dont be too mean to me I just felt like I needed to get this out there and get some opinions on what people think of all this although I know all I did was hurt myself in the end im all alone.. but I did impress myself with my determination :].
4 comments
Q: How old are you? Not going to be patronizing or anything, I’m just curious. This sort of thing happens to everyone, I think, but it’s harder on some people than it is on others. You aren’t responsible for her feelings/actions though – you’re responsible for your own actions, and how you respond to your feelings. She’s responsible for hers in kind. It sounds like she might not be right for you, but rather convenient since you already have a history with her. Have you tried meeting someone new, or giving yourself some time alone to figure out what you want?
Thanks for responding I didn’t expect a reply! Its embarrassing but I was only 14 when I met her and i’m 18 now. To answer your other questions I did try meeting new people but it never worked out…it felt like she was the only one for me and we always found our way back to each other but I guess not this time. And I never really had time to myself she always wanted to talk and talk and I never got to really hang out with my friends…honestly I am a bit relieved that shes out of my life but I do miss her still.
I believe you can turn this into a novel of some sort. That is some life you’ve got there. But…. I kinda know the feeling… I can’t get over my boyfriend… (He forgot about me due to amnesia) we were long distance too… He said he doesn’t have feelings for me anymore but…. *sigh*…. I can hardly imagine a life without him, as I’m sure you can’t take your life without her, either… Fate is a cruel mistress… But your determination WAS rather impressive =P And the story is so touching… I’m so sorry… =( if it makes you feel any better though, you yourself didn’t put her through all that crap. She probably had sky high expectations. So she kinda put herself through that crap too. Hope I didn’t offend or upset you in any way. I wish us both luck =)
Thanks for the reply, honestly I didn’t think anyone would comment. I am still struggling to forget about her but I hope you’re doing better than me :).