February 2018

I’m afraid I’m becoming mentally ill. Fucked up sleeping hours. Night terrors that doesn’t scare me, but they sure are fucked up.

Acting a bit paranoid. Feeling extremely down /depressed. Feeling empty, either hollow and bored or drowned in sadness.

Guys, I hope to hold on to reality. The hard times are temporary. I wish that my sanity would hold strong and overcome this.

I had to write this so if I’ll ever go insane, I would atleast know when it started.

Anyway, stay strong, be brave, yours Jac.

~Disclaimer: Long Post~

Here’s my story.
When I was a kid I used to excel at academic stuff, aced all tests and ,perfect score almost every time,made my parents and grandparents real proud. Unfortunately I had a little accident that forced me to stay in bed for 2 months. Missed school, got left behind in terms of studies, grades hit rock bottom, didn’t want to catch up and study because I’m a lazy lil’ shit.

Fast forward a few years to my high scool days, I’m not the kid I used to be, haven’t done anything to make my grandparents proud. And then I did something really […]

Dealing with demons again, looking for help around this site, perhaps your ways are better than mine.

I feel like I’m shutting down, and I’m drowning under my blanket, as if my breath is slowly getting heavier.

I wanted to know, what is your escape from reality?

Im dealing with lots of complications and my so far only way to cope is to watch cartoons (southpark/Futurama etc) and do sports. Perhaps you can enlighten me. and please keep the “smoke weed” bullshit to yourself.

On another note, I wanted to state that I’m going to find relationship next semester. I’m […]

Love does not exist at all, not in the way I hoped it did. I had hoped that when I met him that we would become good friends, then best friends and then bond closer and closer.

We are friends-we are best friends, but I want to be closer, I want to provide him with all of his emotional needs, but he won’t open up. I did open up to him, but he likes me better when I’m less emotional and more surface.

I just feel empty about it. I know that conventionally I am being ridiculous.

sometimes there is a situation that comes up where he has […]

sigh, disconnect from society media for a while.
find Master
become sex slave?
buy a tent, a lot of wines, and take a plane ticket to florida
  …
……

Honest I don’t know….

Just don’t know what to do with myself. I hit all dead ends relates to people. Any ideas?

So far some suggest I hear from some, go back to college, or find full time jobs… or something..

I don’t want to be alone anymore. I want to feel loved and wanted again.

Updated

finish my class and have enough money to support myself to do what I really want. I miss art world so much. Art is not about me expressing myself. […]

im physically and emotionally tired.. please i want to rest.. its too much…

I decided to write this note after our discussion yesterday (Jackie and I) that if ever my students would know what I would do to myself may be they would felt bad or down about it, maybe.

To my babies in grade 7,
Don’t feel bad, dont imitate what I did to myself. You still have a lot of days, months, and years to fix yourself. You have all the time in the world, never feel down for something I decided on my own.

I hope you’ll cherish every moment I spent with you as I would also be thankful for the wonderful time you made me […]

Today my **** heard about this idol who committed suicide. She said and I quote “Maraming nag-aagaw buhay tas papatayin niya lang sarili”

Wtf? What a nice mindset. Great way to start off a conversation about depression but of course unless you want the person to kill her/himself without thinking too much about it.

You know what? Dont you dare compare the feelings of someone depress with someone else because we all have different demons inside us, we’re all in different levels of hell, we dont fight the same battle and we’ll never be.

She even added “bakit wala ba syang pamilya? Kaibigan? Sinasarili niya kasi”
The type […]

Update to myself: still alive despite everything

I’ve been experiencing hair loss. Not just the simple hair loss in the bath but the type you have even in the bed or pillowcases. Whenever l leave my bed there were certain amount of hair on it, same with ponytails or putting towels on my hair.

Even when I just hand comb my hair there would always be some hair coming along my hands.

But the more bad thing was, I’m not even afraid of what’s happening to me.

12-27-17 (8:34PM)

What an awful life it is

There has been shouting everywhere, the place was filled with curses I dont like to hear. I felt so helpless, being in the middle of their endless fights is very exhausting.

I can only feel pity to myself coz of having this fucked up life.

My head is filled with melacholy I dont even know where to put it anymore.

12-27-17 (8:29pm)

Our dog passed away. Seksi baby, wherever you are I hope you are happy. Whatever happened to you today, I just hope God never left your side and made it easy for you to leave this world.

I cried a lot for you, I may not be the owner I should be to you but you’ve been the greatest pet for all of us.

Bye seksi hope you’ll guide all of us, like you always did. You will be missed.

12-23-17 (10:33PM)

I am done trying.. it is too hard. It is too hard to make peace. I can’t get what I need anymore.

I am done.

I cant give the method of how i want to die but i can tell you the cause. Carbon monoxide poisoning which is suppose to be the most peaceful way to die. You lose consciousness and die in your sleep. I been wanting to act on it. I might try it tonight. If you don’t notice, im really fucking tired of living

So I’m almost positive most of you here have watched bleach at one point of your life so here’s some nostalgia cuz this auto played on Youtube for me when I was reading an article.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EFNQhmDLjTk