I fucked up pretty bad today.My bag of sleeping pills are gone this means im off to the store tommorow to sell some stuff and buy more pills.Damn i feel like an addict but it must be done.And if worse comes to worse i did find my moms box cutter and i will let them taste my flesh possibly at 12:00 midnight the end of this wretched day.Or tommorrow. But i wont do it on christmas
reasons for doing this
1. Im addicted to trying to hurt myself
2.I have loads of pills its to hard to get rid of them.At at least for me.
3. Im pretty sure nothing will come of it anyway. After all ive attempted suicide more times than can count and a lot of the times i was never admitted for treatment.
4. Ive been very scared lately of death which is very ironic.But the point is i dont want to be around without the people i love.I dont want to feel the emotional pain of loss.
5 I cant survive on my own.One of my […]
Its been a moment and since i didnt go to group tonight i figured i would talk here.A couple weeks ago i learned i would be getting a new therapist.I learned i would no longer be with the program ive been with.Now id been depressed before this over my lack of future and because ive been in pain and the doctors cant figure whats wrong with me.Well they kind of think they have but my pain continues.And it bugs.
I bought a bunch of sleeping pills to end my life the day after Christmas.The problem is i dont feel like doing it much anymore. Things […]
its been a moment since the mental hospital and every time i go in there i forget what the goal is.I think about getting better and having friends and movies and fun stuff.I don’t think of the longer i wait the more i put a chance of everything around me of losing it.I think it must be scary to die and not lying it is ive been close to death before and that’s scary as hell. But when my mom and dad are gone im screwed im not going to know how to survive on my own.Which is why this suicide thing has to keep […]
Im saying goodbye the second week of november on a friday.If you ever read any of my other post you would know i once said something close to the world is bad thats why im leaving it but often times i forget theres one other reason.A secret that i keep that makes me feel like a monster.Everyone would miss me if i was dead im sure but there minds would quickly be changed if they knew my secret.My mom might even spit on my grave. Id rather be gone than to be shunned by society. I have already shunned myself. I dont love me even […]
Im so pissed today.I had a great morning went out for my birthday with my therapist even though they gave me a gift card to buy clothes knowing if they gave me it for anything else i wouldve bought pills and probably taken them.What people dont get is im already going to do that and i can find my own way to get what i need cause im resourceful.But it gets worse
I go on a site to get free stuff and give away stuff and they took the item i was giving away down.Even though people were giving away the same item.Anyway not […]
you know its intresting.I start to think more about what if i do succede what my death will mean if it actually happens.and a little bit o topic okay ive heard a lot of people saying barbiturates are the only medication that will kill you not you.Ive overdosed a lot in the past when im not cutting or burning or drinking nasal spray.I almost died from the use of sleeping pills and lithium which i was taken off of right after.Now i find there are different types of suicide.Some people i wouldnt consider suicidal cause there just bored with life its not really emotion.Some people […]
As part of my behavior intervention plan it was decided that i shouldnt come on here as often.My plan for death after the family trip is still in motion.Im aware that i could die but its to late to stop cause everything has all been planned out.And for me i dont stop when ive decided to do something.Theres no turning back.Its sad cause my mom said today that ive changed and grown a lot.I agree with her in all ways except one and that is im still sad.Just this general doom and gloom about everything.I cant even call my friend from the hospital cause im […]
I fucking hate my life.My dad came to my meeting today.Which is okay cause im like well if there talking to him i dont have to say shit.The problem is for one the meeting was way to long and ackward.I just wanted to get out of there.Theres going to be a big argument tonight about being hospitalized to test to see what meds im allergic.There on to me about the whole suicide even though i wouldnt dare give them information they could use to lock me up.I dont want to deal with all this at all and i have to suffer through it till after […]
Its come to my conclusion that i am going to try and off myself again.Im scared to death cause its a past method im using one that almost killed me.Im scared to death of doing this.But that little short lived happy time is over.Its left me and its always going to come and then not be there and i cant stand that.I am filth thats all i am while im alive.
The method will be successful this time.I would check myself into a mental hospital but there all crappy except the one i recently came from.That is to far away to go to.
I dont […]
Have you ever had someone you want to be happy for.But emotionally they just drain you.Thats how i feel.My friends pregnant.Her husbands a jerk. Shes to much of a child herself to be having a baby. And me im trying not to be the enemy and support her. But its emotionally draining cause we argue then she comes back looking for support and its just hard. I know i need to distance myself from this situation but i cant turn her down. Meanwhile im freaking depressed. Sure i havent hurt myself yet but it seems like im just avoiding the inevitable.Around this time my depression […]
I havent been on here in awhile but now i need to come back because my world is turning back upside down.The depression is bad and for once theres not a real reason.I just feel drained.My meds were making me hyper in the beginning.I had a sense of happiness and peace for just a moment and now well its gone.Im back to being the me that i dont want to be.The me who feels like a failure and nobody cares.The me that feels depressed.
Im trying to wait befroe doing anything this time.Because my familys going to disneyland together and none of us […]
the plan continues.Yet tommorow will probably be the stupidest way of going about but once i start cutting myself i will not stop.Yet i dont want to die.What i want is another option but this is the way im being pushed by outside forces.Yes im a fucking asshole and everybody will be like we love you dont do it.But in the times i needed help nobdy was there.In fact i kind of took from my shrink and the shrink at the hospital that im basically hopeless and the logical thing would be death. the unknown is more scary than anything after death thats scary cause […]
tommorows the big day!!!I got ahold of my moms box cutter the other night.Earlier that day i found some numbing stuff.its for teeth but i think if i put it on the blade itll numb the area for awhile.I probably should pay atenttion to my rule of not drawing atenttion to myself.But im not going to kill myself at home.I scared the fuck out of everybody with sleeping pills.If im around strangers and i dont know if thats good or bad thing.But then itll be easier.Im falling apart. Just yesterday i couldve been killed walking off at home att night.There was a guy in the […]
I realize in two days from now.Its going to be as scary as hell for me.Carrying around a box cutter is going to be scary as hell.Even if you intend to only harm yourself.Authorities get involved and its not pretty cause cops dont know how to handle the mentally ill.They do that thing were they twist your arm behind your back.It hurts cause you think your arm might break off.
My hope is that i dont get shot cause there will probably be police since they dont know how to mind there own business.
The thing is i just cant please […]
I know very soon i will start an attempt but this will be a little different.Pills almost did me in about a week ago.i told the psych at er id try again in two weeks guess shell be seeing me again.Anyway i have this image of slicing a line with my moms box cutter starting at the elbow going straight down almost to the wrist.
But thats not what i want to talk about.
I want to talk about what the key making dcisions and steps you need to determine wether you can actually go through with it or not.
1. can […]
you know whats fucked up.The fact that they have all these suicide support groups online for the people left behind after suicide what about the people who want to die right now were the hells the support for them.Mental illness is also rarely mentioned in politics its like they have no time for the suffering and thats fucked up
you know this world is truely fucked up.I cant wait til my next time to off myself.I came so close to death a couple days and i got scared as hell that i was probably die.Now i realize maybe dying and fear is a natural thing you experience when you die.Theres no way as darkness starts to cover you that you wouldnt want to turn back no matter what you say.Anyway i took twelve sleeping pills and they saved my ass.The psychiatrist is like are you going to be safe to go home and i told her not at the second but in a week […]
I wonder if i could hire a hitman.Its not a plan or anything like that just curious.My friend has tried to kill herself recently and ive determined after therapy she wont be the same shell eventually be healthy with time.Im not upset about this its good that shell get the help.But i wont be of need anymore. my family will be able to pay bills and possibly move into a better home.I myself do not neccesarily want to die but i sense danger ahead that will destroy my sanity either way.I must escape.And no one will save me cause they never had any interest in […]
i have been doing good in the last three weeks.Now i really dont know what to do.My voices have suddenly come back with a vengance.They were really quiet and i was fine.Hearing them a little is normal.But lately there pretty loud and constant.I wont call anyone theyll just bring the cops.I dont hate cops unless i have too deal with them so i try to stay away.My insanity is increasing day by day. I will possibly end up in the hospital for an attempt.I dont know what else to do two of my therapist are sick one i dont see my main therapist till monday.And […]