suicide project you let me know im not the only one

you know its intresting.I start to think more about what if i do succede what my death will mean if it actually happens.and a little bit o topic okay ive heard a lot of people saying barbiturates are the only medication that will kill you not you.Ive overdosed a lot in the past when im not cutting or burning or drinking nasal spray.I almost died from the use of sleeping pills and lithium which i was taken off of right after.Now i find there are different types of suicide.Some people i wouldnt consider suicidal cause there just bored with life its not really emotion.Some people are the dead serious who will do away with themselves whatever possible they use stuff like guns and what not.Some people are the ones who are afraid to die and only post that theyll kill themselves as a cry for help.finally there are people who dont really want to die either they take pills or whatever only in hopes that theyll be able to turn back half way through it.
I wont bother saying what i am its not important.But yeah ive thought a lot.Ive had to remind myself to just pretend to be what everyone expects me to me.No being to sad or to angry or to happy.This is kind of hard to do at times though for the most part i do okay. Am i afraid.Hell yeah im deafly afraid.Id love to turn back now.So i can watch x factor and see who wins.So i can protect my family as i feel i must.so i wont miss out on that chance to someday have my older sister say she loves me or hug me cause since we were eight and nine she never has.So i can have my first apartment possibly a dog.Theres so many things id love to do but thats a fantasy.Even if i do somehow get better from all this mental illness.The pills and the poisoning have already taken off ten years of my life.Even if i do make it i can relapse which is already happening and ive only been out of the hospital for a couple of weeks.The therapist and psychiatrist and parents dont say its a relapse they just think i dont want to change.They just think that in the end it will all be fine.But it wont be.Because i have a family and support system but what am i going to do when im on my own.Im going to be like the 90% percent rate of mentally ill that end up homeless.i figure i need out before it gets there.Before i have to watch death take the lives of everyone i love.
I dont want to feel that hurt.I dont want to feel more alone.My baby sister is fourteen she dumped cold water on me cause of a dissagreemnet we had.But to be honest if i die ill miss her the most but shell probably never forgive me but ill still love her.Ill regret doing what ive done but ill still love my family forever and ever.
I feel a lot like some of the stories ive read.Most dont know but i am disabled.Ive been wheelchair bound,wore a neckbrace, couldnt lift my hands.Why???Cause during fourteen i had several meltdowns from familys fighting.At that time i wanted a family i wanted my brother and sisters to be happy. my mother and father but they werent.And today i realize and accept that my mother and father will never love eachother.But im okay with knowing that.Cause even though my family is together my mom and dad do better as friends.
Anyway getting off topic.The worst thing about my illness was having to go to school in a wheelchair.But also knowing my illness was a mental illlness and that my illness ive basically had to fix it myself.Look up conversion disorder youll understand more.
I had to learn to walk again.And i struggle so much still today.i dont know how to cook or do my hair.I at times neglect my hygiene.I had people who were cruel and still cruel to me.My older sister has not hugged me or said she loved me in a long time.I take care of the pets.I try to help around the house and im punished for it.I feel like a lot of the people on here.I read so many of your stories as much as possible and i feel for you only regretting that i couldnt take away your pain and reply to every message.
I dont want to die.But i can admit im very sick.And how those doctors use euthanize on cancer patients.I want the pain to end .
i also said in a last post i would not come here.But ii cant do that.This is the one place were i can see that im not the only one.And to take that away while im breathing.well lets just say i would probably try tonight if i didnt have everyone on here and if i didnt have the tiniest bit of faith left that something will turn my frown upside down before next month