I cant stop thinking about things. I wish I could be lovable, worth loving. Yet I’m this. Rotten pile of scum. Perhaps if I changed entirely, as in no part of myself existed anymore, and I was completely different, better, then maybe I would be. There must be something wrong with me that I can change. I want to be worth loving. I don’t want someone loving me to be a burden on their life. I don’t want it to be an obligation, or something someone does out of pity. But, all I am is pitiful. I’m ashamed of my existence. People say to change […]
I did it. I graduated high school today. It’s been a long day. The graduation part went fine, even though it was overwhelming. Had my after party, I even got my mom to come for a little bit, even though she was pissed off at my dad for some reason and hated the idea of being surrounded by people she hadn’t been around in years. But I’m glad she stuck by for a little bit.
I don’t really know how to feel about any of this. I’m sure this will all hit really soon and I’ll be terrified and upset, but right now I’m just… here. […]
I need to just accept the fact that I have been very selfish. Whether or not I’ve let it be known to others doesn’t matter, I’ve been nothing but a selfish pile of disgusting rot.
Essentially, I mean in wanting – even expecting, to be talked to and paid attention to so much. I very rarely let this on to anyone, because I know it’s wrong, I am not entitled or deserving of any love or attention. My partner has barely spoken for 2 months now, and today all of a sudden after about 8 days they said they loved me. I was feeling alone. Left […]
I finished a show, Violet Evergarden (the character I drew above) yesterday for my movie class. It was very good, very beautifully animated and great soundtrack, the plot and the characters were awesome, definitely wanted more, but it’s probably a good thing the series is so short. Basically, Violet was raised in the military and taught to have no emotions/feelings or at least don’t show them, and everyone just considers her a tool. The Major, however, was the only person to treat her […]
All life is is constant ache that never goes away, only pretends to do so for a day or 2, giving you a hope that things will get better, you will get better, and life will be okay. But it never is, for one reason or another. I want out of my head. Not the world I created in my head, though, just my head. The scary part. The real life. It’s a neverending fucking pain. I cant take the neverending pain. I’m a very weak individual, both for wanting to die and yet being too scared to do so. I feel as if it […]
Took a shower for the first time in 2 weeks. Maybe longer, can’t remember. Wish I could wash away all the rot that is me, but ah, I’m stuck with that for now. I feel like a dumbass because I can’t pull myself out of this for shit. I’ve been trying to do what I’m told to, fighting negative thoughts and things, and I’m always reminded about how it’s my choice and I have to put in the effort. And so I’ve been trying to do all that. But I’m dumb, and pathetic, and worthless, and rotten, and a coward, and a selfish asshole, and the weakest person […]
Today has been really shitty and awful. Granted, a lot of my days are, but today decided to be a bit worse. I had to stay out of one of my classes and cried for the entire hour. My eyes still hurt. I just felt and still feel so horribly alone, I wanted someone to ask if I was okay… I zoned through the rest of my classes. I isolated more than usual, no one bothered to talk to me or see what was up in the one hour that I DO talk to people during the day (not that they probably want me to, […]
Narcissus, by Carvaggio
I’m here I guess. I feel like it doesnt matter all that much… but I’m here.
I kinda feel like shit for what I’ve said/thought about the people I say I care about, like in the last post. I shouldn’t be so selfish… and I feel really bad now. I know some of them if not all of them, have issues/stuff going on and I shouldnt bother them… and I shouldnt expect or want […]
So. Tired. Of. Feeling. Like. Shit. All the fucking time. All I want is to fucking die, yet pathetically I grasp this little thread of hope of peace and a better fucking life, knowing damn well it won’t happen. Knowing I deserve all this shit. Knowing I’m just sitting here rotting and all I am is a pile of fucking rot. And I’m sick of everything. And I’m sick of my fucking family, I’m sick of my “dad” who doesnt even give a shit about anything but his work and new gf and her family. I’m tired of listening to my family ***** about God knows what while I […]
I just need to get out of my head, but I can’t… I want to escape myself. I want out. It hurts so bad. It’s not fair. Maybe it is. I don’t know anymore. I can’t get my head to stop spinning with all these thoughts and feelings; all I can do is curl up in a ball and hide… I’m in so much pain and I’m so sad, and I can’t pull myself out of it. I need help… I need somebody to hold me and somebody to actually care… I scream all my thoughts onto paper or on this site because I’m drowning in […]
I guess everyone has limits. I’m reaching mine. I can’t take much more and if it doesn’t get better I see no reason to continue on with this life as well as the thoughts in my head. They’re killing me. And I’m so overwhelmed. Time is ticking, there’s so much shit to do. My dad is barely being any help, only trying to help with his new girlfriend around. I’m reaching my limits however small they may be, I cant do anymore and I cant go any further. I want relief. I want to disappear. This fucking life, this world, holy shit. I just can’t […]
I’m miserable and I just want to go back home and pretend I don’t exist. I can’t really talk to anyone right now. I just feel so horrible. Last night all I could think about was how pathetic and ignorant I am and how I need to die. For the first time in awhile, I took something to help me sleep, because of school today and just needing to get away from my head. I woke up. I’m just out of it right now. I’m just so done with life.. life doesnt seem to need me and I dont want or need this life. I’m […]
I think my worth as a person in being helpful to those I love is deteriorating. Today is their(singular) birthday and they were very close to ending it last night, and I’ve only just found out. I know they haven’t been well, and while I put myself as far as I can to help (long distance being a large inconvenience) it’s not enough. They have a few friends that were able to help them, which I’m super thankful for, for obvious reasons. I just wish I was the one able to help, which is selfish and disgusting and I’m making myself sick just for thinking about it. […]
I’m so tired. I can’t sleep yet. God I just need some sleep. I don’t want to wake up anymore. This world has gone to shit and I’m becoming more paranoid. I want to run away somewhere, a place where all this shit doesn’t exist. I could breathe in peace for once. Seeing as where everything’s going right now I don’t think it will exist, perhaps it stopped existing and I just never realized. My head is just trying to sabotage me. I’m worried sick right now. I feel so alone. I wish I could just close my eyes and sleep but I can’t yet.
I […]
I’m so ashamed of myself. I’m never there when you need me as I should be, I’m so unhelpful. You deserve better than this, better than me. I’m sorry for being fucking stupid and writing a note of goodbye soley due to my pain. It’s costed years of time apart that I regret every fucking day. I’m sorry for all this time that I’ve not been there physically to hold you and help you feel safe and loved like you deserve to feel. I’m sorry for being such a difficult person to deal with. I overthink everything and it makes you wonder if you’re doing […]
Realizing how much of a nobody I really am… is an interesting feeling. How worthless I really am. How little I truly deserve. The constant search for outside validation knowing I’ve earned nothing… How I have nothing of significance to offer the world, to the people I love dearly, to myself. Just… a nobody.
I think this is part of why I’m so terrified of becoming an adult. I am nothing. I have no goals. I’m not even sure I want to go to school after this. At least… not immediately. Maybe never. I’ll probably end up like most people with a degree that’s truly meaningless […]
I’m not well. I wish all of it would stop. I know I’m weak. It just hurts. Life is shit. I’m just as bad. I’m too weak and pathetic to do anything about it. I’m useless. My life or death is meaningless. All of it is meaningless. I wish I could stop fucking everything up, I wish I could be more helpful when needed. I wish I was worth the love I’m given. I wish I wasnt so worthless. Wishes are meaningless.
I should stop complaining, I’m too much of a coward do anything anyway. Pathetic little coward. It would be better if people didnt have […]
I feel a bit lonely. And tired. And sad. And gross haha. But anyway.
Sometimes I worry that the people that I care deeply for and who care for me are people I’ve made up in my head, and that really scares me. I dont know what I’d do if I found out the few people who loved me were imaginary and nothing I knew of was real. But I think that way a lot. It scares me.
Today was… meh. Nothing great but not the worst. I didnt get up for a long time, maybe that’s part of it. We (meaning my sister and I) cleaned […]
I waited too long to eat my dinner, and I got really weak and tired, fell asleep. Woke up, had a small bite of a chicken nugget and threw up everything I’ve eaten today. I knew I was getting hungry but I waited anyway, I feel like I deserved to feel that way. It hurts. My brain hurts me more though. I didnt eat a whole lot yesterday either. I dont really deserve to. I’m too privileged, too much of a piece of shit to really deserve anything. I still feel really weak. I need to eat more but I genuinely dont think I can. […]
I’m so tired today. And overwhelmed. I just need a break. Maybe I could play sick? Idk. Seeing as I was always forced to go to school and do things anyway, and would get in trouble on top of that, I’m not sure how well it would work. But maybe it’s worth a shot. I cant stand this shit.
I just want to go home. It’s not been a good day so far. I’ve been forcing myself not to cry for half the day, because I’ve been around elementary kids for one of my classes and that would’ve been embarrassing. Not that high school is much […]