sinner

Nobody ever listens to me, god damn it. My mom guilt trips me about not being moved up here with her already, knowing shit has come up, and she still after years and years of compliance and being honest with everything she wants to know, apparently I am some liar that she can’t trust. But she won’t ever fucking say that, she’ll just say over and over and over how much she values honesty and none of her kids better EVER fucking lie to her. Forgetting all the shit she lied about for years.

My dad will bring up shit I *must* get done, […]

I already feel like I’m dying, and it’s just getting worse. I just want to die and get it over with, I’m tired of suffering like this. I can’t even cry, and I want to so fucking bad. This feeling I have physically weighs me down, I get tired and zone out through everything. I just want it to stop. This feeling is so horrible and its bubbling up and breaking me into pieces. I can barely move now. I’m just stuck here. In this hell. God I’m already fucking dying. I don’t even feel like a human. I don’t know what I feel like […]

I can’t do this anymore. I just need to escape this world. Escape this prison of my mind. I’m alone, and I’m selfish and worthless and rotten. I can’t live with myself if no one is there for me. I’m tired. I’m so depressed and in constant pain. I think of walking away and never coming back. Walk away from all responsibilities and the past and myself and just keep walking. No need to come back. No one wants me back anyway. It hurts so much. It’s not gonna matter if I’m alive or not. So what’s the point. If dyings the only way out, […]

I can’t sleep. I’m at my friend’s house – she’s been asleep since 8:00 which is wild to me. No hate to her, I’ve just become more nocturnal by the night. I’m glad we got to hang out for a bit. I’m also glad I got out of the house for awhile – I get out of babysitting for a night at least. I’ve been watching YouTube, listening to music and drawing to keep myself busy until I get tired. I feel more comfortable here, I feel liked, I guess, and not just needed to help with my sisters all the time and being stuck […]

Today’s not really been that great. I’m just really depressed, and lonely, and constantly fighting my head. I picked up a game I havent played in awhile and played that for quite a while. It was nice… I’ve not had much energy for any of that. I also picked up a pencil and drew something for the first time in a month. Wasted a few hours on youtube, wasting data… but I dont really want quiet today, my thoughts are too loud. Today’s been wasted, like I waste all my other days. I feel like my existence is just a waste. I need to get […]

I’m sorry to everyone (irl) who care(s)(d) about me in this life, despite being a worthless little nothing. For whining and being selfish. For being unreliable and bad with words for comfort. Even when trying to help, which is as much as possible, all I do is destroy and ruin. To my partner: you deserve better… I think you know that. I’m sorry I wrote the note that got me sent here. Everything after has been a domino effect of that. I’m sorry for being so disgusting and selfish. I still love you.

I havent eaten anything yet today and I dont think I will. For two […]

I’m broken. I’m unsure if I can really be fixed. I’m hurt and broken and miserable by the day. I’m the rot that I created of myself, made of broken bits of my rotten pathetic self. All there is, is constant hurting. A constant hell. And what if, say, it never stops? Because I’m starting to believe, and becoming terrified of, this being truly neverending. I’m never going to get out of my head. Away from these thoughts. And I read so many things from people saying the same, it doesnt ever really stop. It just pretends to for awhile. Then you’re stuck waiting for […]

I just woke up minutes ago. But for what? I’m alone, I dont know where any of my family is, they’re all on their separate outings I guess. I was having good dreams. I want to go back to sleep. I slept about 11 hours, waking up here and there. Why am I still so exhausted? I feel like I didnt sleep at all.

There are things needing to be done, like my laundry, I need to shower, and more packing as well. I dont feel like doing any of it. I feel like maybe I could sit through a full LOTR movie, I might do […]

realized today how much I really do daydream, and how I don’t even live in this reality, but in the worlds I have created in my mind instead. I notice while I thought about it how its been the only way I’ve been happy at all, about 95% of my life. of course, now and then, it will turn on me… my mind is still dumb as shit, y’know? but all of these elaborate imaginings, especially the ones being with friends, or being with my partner (long distance really fucking sucks.) …. all of it… isnt real. and it makes me really sad, and it […]

I’m… in a lot of pain right now. I’ve nowhere else to turn to right now. I just. Oh god. Everything hurts. I just want to die. I’m forcing myself to shut down otherwise I will ball my eyes out here at my dads girlfriend’s house. It hurts so bad. It’s a physical ache. Please go away. Just. Please. I.

I got my partner’s texts 20 minutes later. I responded, but I know I wont get anything back for awhile. That’s okay, it’s my fault for being fucking stupid and not having my phone on me for too long. 2nd time in a row. Last time […]

I can’t handle being real right now. Why does it never go away? What am I doing wrong? I feel so pathetic and stupid. I’m at my best friends house right now and she went back to sleep. It’s too quiet. I don’t even deserve friends. I’m acting like a child. I think I’m needing the distraction because it’s […]

I cant stop thinking about things. I wish I could be lovable, worth loving. Yet I’m this. Rotten pile of scum. Perhaps if I changed entirely, as in no part of myself existed anymore, and I was completely different, better, then maybe I would be. There must be something wrong with me that I can change. I want to be worth loving. I don’t want someone loving me to be a burden on their life. I don’t want it to be an obligation, or something someone does out of pity. But, all I am is pitiful. I’m ashamed of my existence. People say to change […]

I did it. I graduated high school today. It’s been a long day. The graduation part went fine, even though it was overwhelming. Had my after party, I even got my mom to come for a little bit, even though she was pissed off at my dad for some reason and hated the idea of being surrounded by people she hadn’t been around in years. But I’m glad she stuck by for a little bit.

I don’t really know how to feel about any of this. I’m sure this will all hit really soon and I’ll be terrified and upset, but right now I’m just… here. […]

I need to just accept the fact that I have been very selfish. Whether or not I’ve let it be known to others doesn’t matter, I’ve been nothing but a selfish pile of disgusting rot.

Essentially, I mean in wanting – even expecting, to be talked to and paid attention to so much. I very rarely let this on to anyone, because I know it’s wrong, I am not entitled or deserving of any love or attention. My partner has barely spoken for 2 months now, and today all of a sudden after about 8 days they said they loved me. I was feeling alone. Left […]

I finished a show, Violet Evergarden (the character I drew above) yesterday for my movie class. It was very good, very beautifully animated and great soundtrack, the plot and the characters were awesome, definitely wanted more, but it’s probably a good thing the series is so short. Basically, Violet was raised in the military and taught to have no emotions/feelings or at least don’t show them, and everyone just considers her a tool. The Major, however, was the only person to treat […]

All life is is constant ache that never goes away, only pretends to do so for a day or 2, giving you a hope that things will get better, you will get better, and life will be okay. But it never is, for one reason or another. I want out of my head. Not the world I created in my head, though, just my head. The scary part. The real life. It’s a neverending fucking pain. I cant take the neverending pain. I’m a very weak individual, both for wanting to die and yet being too scared to do so. I feel as if it […]

Took a shower for the first time in 2 weeks. Maybe longer, can’t remember. Wish I could wash away all the rot that is me, but ah, I’m stuck with that for now. I feel like a dumbass because I can’t pull myself out of this for shit. I’ve been trying to do what I’m told to, fighting negative thoughts and things, and I’m always reminded about how it’s my choice and I have to put in the effort. And so I’ve been trying to do all that. But I’m dumb, and pathetic, and worthless, and rotten, and a coward, and a selfish asshole, and the weakest person […]

Today has been really shitty and awful. Granted, a lot of my days are, but today decided to be a bit worse.  I had to stay out of one of my classes and cried for the entire hour. My eyes still hurt. I just felt and still feel so horribly alone, I wanted someone to ask if I was okay… I zoned through the rest of my classes. I isolated more than usual, no one bothered to talk to me or see what was up in the one hour that I DO talk to people during the day (not that they probably want me to, […]

Narcissus, by Carvaggio

I’m here I guess. I feel like it doesnt matter all that much… but I’m here.

I kinda feel like shit for what I’ve said/thought about the people I say I care about, like in the last post. I shouldn’t be so selfish… and I feel really bad now. I know some of them if not all of them, have issues/stuff going on and I shouldnt bother them… and I shouldnt […]

So. Tired. Of. Feeling. Like. Shit. All the fucking time. All I want is to fucking die, yet pathetically I grasp this little thread of hope of peace and a better fucking life, knowing damn well it won’t happen. Knowing I deserve all this shit. Knowing I’m just sitting here rotting and all I am is a pile of fucking rot. And I’m sick of everything. And I’m sick of my fucking family, I’m sick of my “dad” who doesnt even give a shit about anything but his work and new gf and her family. I’m tired of listening to my family ***** about God knows what while I […]