To The Person That I Mirrored Myself
Despite the fact that I am fully aware of what is going on in your life, your inspirational and motivational messages captivated me. I admire your ways of dealing with life because I don’t. Four years ago, I was in your shoes. I am a goal-oriented person who is concerned with the future and success. I was a “church girl” who read scriptures always and prayed three times a day, […]
I’m so not okay, I can’t feel anymore. This darkness inside of me is growing so rapidly that I can’t even control it anymore. I have nothing, nothing at all. Only the pain in my heart. Nobody even sees me anymore, I’ve become someone I don’t even know, I’m so fucking lost. I’ve tried to end it all twice and both times I woke up the next day, contemplating my life again. My heart feels heavy all the time, yet I’m numb to everything. I look at myself in the mirror, while I’m crying and I don’t see myself in my eyes anymore, I don’t […]
When I was in the russian supermarket today, the happy disco music which my mother said, was from her youth, didn’t sound so happy to me. Frankly I wasn’t hearing it at all. I was spaced out. I couldn’t believe I was so deeply unhappy with my life and for how unkind people had been all my life towards me. I didn’t even know what I wanted. Cookies, coffee, cinnamon.? I want nothing. I just want these thoughts to stop.
For every friend talking to their important friends or posting something on instagram instead of talking to me. I’m just f*cking done. I was a long […]
I’m young, and some people might think that i haven’t known real pain. I’m turning 19 this year and life isn’t going good. My depression first started years ago when my parents degraded me, even calling me a moron for not doing well in my exam. I was humiliated so i started to do well in my next exams and i did well in highschool. It wasn’t enough for them, they still degraded me even when i got an above average result. I got an offer to enter a uni but i got rejected, probably i wasn’t good enough for them. I don’t have enough […]
There is no going back to that other person, that other place, this thing, this stranger, she is all you are now.
Just a line from a movie, but it is so true.
There is no healing in regression, because regression is not an option. There is only forward motion and it’s pain, or there is stagnation, and its pain. Either way. The universe holds its arms wide open to you, and says “Welcome”, as it smears shit across your face and destroys your heart.
For me, the worst pain is the pain inflicted by a taunting promise that says change is possible, yet inside, I’m too crippled […]
“Hey dudes I’m afraid I’ll hurt people if I leave”.
Really? Come on dude. You’d have to have pretty low emotional intelligence to honestly ask yourselves this question. Can we be honest here? Completely honest? How many of you actually think this? How many of you are just using this an excuse, a cover-up not to leave? Bargaining by saying these people will be “hurt” if you leave and they’ll miss you lmao. Or pretending that you care HAHA! What kind of reasoning is this? How do you have so much trouble with a simple matter of discretion?
I can’t imagine many of us have people […]
I have been both depressed and mentally ill for as long as I can remember. Despite this, I have managed in my late 20’s to have a stable career, a place of my own, and even decent bonds with friends. On the surface I have “made it” or at least I should feel that way, yet I still want to end my life every single day.
I wake up to go to work, a job I actually like doing and pays well, and yet I look myself in the eye and think “Why am I even bothering?” Every day feels about the same: wake up, work […]
It seems that like on my “good days” I’m a pessimist and on my “bad days” I reach my breaking point, turn into a full nihilist, lose my sanity and laugh at the very notion that my life has any value or deserves anything good. I can’t ignore the fact that nothing we do matters or that on a geological or cosmic scale we are utterly meaningless. So why should we view ourselves as having any value because I certainly can’t seem to do that no matter what other people tell me. Whenever someone tells me that my life is valuable I have to fight […]
and…. nothing. Not even my stomach hurts, let alone kill me. The thing fizzled in my mouth and while it did feel funny I was not hurt. What a waste of a napkin.
They weren’t wrong when they called me an idiot for this behaviour, can’t believe this is going to be my first post after stalking this website accountless for years.
I want to make this thread, to gather people like me, who probably considering suicide because “i’m being a burden to others”. Other people that want to talk about the topic but don’t actually have that personal experience are also welcome.
For me? I felt that i have been a huge burden for my family, I’m the first kid in my family (male), i have a little sister in highschool, i’m still in college, but i have somewhat realized that i’m incompetent at times, can’t make any money, and just generally being a burden and a nuisance for my parent. I’m not “The Perfect Kid” That’s […]
Another night of no sleep, so you people get to suffer along with me. More sleep deprived drivel. Now then, lets get on with it. No sense in putting things off. (Double entendre? You decide.) Single file, all bunched together, screw “social distancing.” There’s pain to be suffered!!! Pain is good, it builds character! Shall we?
The rules were set in the beginning. I’m only along for the painful ride. My control is limited, I make my plans and run my errands, knowing that life is in charge, not me, no matter how much I think otherwise. Life is a fickle mistress, one day loving and […]
…sucks.
I’m back on here. I thought i was doing better than i was 2 weeks ago, but in reality i’m not. I finally got diagnosed with depression 5 days ago. i already knew that i had it but i guess it’s a good thing i officially know. I just feel so tired. None of my hobbies make me happy anymore, i don’t understand why. I finally started cleaning my room but i don’t want to finish it, that feels like too much work. I still can’t go a day without thinking about death or suicide. I want to die the only reason i haven’t gone […]
Hello insomnia, again. This is sort of a non-specific rant, about nothing. Today’s Valentines day, and here I am, pouring out my heart to SP. Wonderful. Maybe I’ll buy it some flowers and am box of chocolates. What a stupid tradition, right up there with the World War 1 xmas truce – let’s stop killing one another and exchange gifts for one evening. There was a nasty ice storm here night before last. The power has been out for a while and I am unable to relax enough to sleep while wearing twenty pounds of […]
The definition of overwhelming pain is when pain exceeds one’s ability to cope, aka my daily life.
I’m talking just the physical pain, too…there is almost always an accompanying existential crises about self-worth and chronic illness.
As someone living with multiple chronic illnesses, including endometriosis and chronic nerve entrapment, the story of my daily life resembles both that of a heroine in a gothic horror novel and that of a golem girl made of glass. And to me this makes sense, the mood of my body oscillating regularly between two worlds – stuck in the middle just like everything else in my life.
And so goes the story […]
This isn’t the one about the editor or the one about the illustrator.
Loneliness is killing me, if it didn’t already. So I’m trying to contact some old friends, because why not.? New people are assholes. All of them. Seriously. All. Of. Them. I’ve gained no new friends or even acquaintances. They’re unsocial, or at least towards me.
Maybe my depression is spooking everyone, even though I’m constantly laughing. My heart hurts so much with this heaviness, while being completely hollow. Anatomically impossible. I can’t take this any longer.
Some nights I lay awake and have an argument with my inner demons, whether I should just simply get up and kill myself. I should’ve responded with: Yes. Because it would’ve […]
I woke up this morning and didn’t go to work. I drove around in circles. I’m homeless save that I have a child in two separate locations. So I sleep on a cot during the week and a guest bed on the weekends. I have no energy and all. I only experience life through the veil of depression and utter calamity.
I’m a veteran and father of 2 small children. Thankfully their mothers/grandmothers are still around in my absence. And to be honest I’ve been absent for quite some time. I cannot remember my last genuine smile. My illness is so bad that I’ve been […]
So. Fucking. Useless. Yeah, I’m talking about myself. I try my best to help people but in the end, I think I never did. So if I can’t help myself and not even help others, then what else is there to do.? Why do I even bother with things like that… It just hit midnight and I feel unwell, as if someone had walked right through me. I don’t want this life. May I have a different one..?
Having discovered the PERFECT method, I’m one step closer. A life-lover with a battered heart and a soul so tired there’s no word in the world to describe it.
I got here by mistake. Wrong door. I do not need to stay. I tried. I’m done trying.