I’m back on here. I thought i was doing better than i was 2 weeks ago, but in reality i’m not. I finally got diagnosed with depression 5 days ago. i already knew that i had it but i guess it’s a good thing i officially know. I just feel so tired. None of my hobbies make me happy anymore, i don’t understand why. I finally started cleaning my room but i don’t want to finish it, that feels like too much work. I still can’t go a day without thinking about death or suicide. I want to die the only reason i haven’t gone […]
Hello insomnia, again. This is sort of a non-specific rant, about nothing. Today’s Valentines day, and here I am, pouring out my heart to SP. Wonderful. Maybe I’ll buy it some flowers and am box of chocolates. What a stupid tradition, right up there with the World War 1 xmas truce – let’s stop killing one another and exchange gifts for one evening. There was a nasty ice storm here night before last. The power has been out for a while and I am unable to relax enough to sleep while wearing twenty pounds of […]
The definition of overwhelming pain is when pain exceeds one’s ability to cope, aka my daily life.
I’m talking just the physical pain, too…there is almost always an accompanying existential crises about self-worth and chronic illness.
As someone living with multiple chronic illnesses, including endometriosis and chronic nerve entrapment, the story of my daily life resembles both that of a heroine in a gothic horror novel and that of a golem girl made of glass. And to me this makes sense, the mood of my body oscillating regularly between two worlds – stuck in the middle just like everything else in my life.
And so goes the story […]
This isn’t the one about the editor or the one about the illustrator.
Loneliness is killing me, if it didn’t already. So I’m trying to contact some old friends, because why not.? New people are assholes. All of them. Seriously. All. Of. Them. I’ve gained no new friends or even acquaintances. They’re unsocial, or at least towards me.
Maybe my depression is spooking everyone, even though I’m constantly laughing. My heart hurts so much with this heaviness, while being completely hollow. Anatomically impossible. I can’t take this any longer.
Some nights I lay awake and have an argument with my inner demons, whether I should just simply get up and kill myself. I should’ve responded with: Yes. Because it would’ve […]
I woke up this morning and didn’t go to work. I drove around in circles. I’m homeless save that I have a child in two separate locations. So I sleep on a cot during the week and a guest bed on the weekends. I have no energy and all. I only experience life through the veil of depression and utter calamity.
I’m a veteran and father of 2 small children. Thankfully their mothers/grandmothers are still around in my absence. And to be honest I’ve been absent for quite some time. I cannot remember my last genuine smile. My illness is so bad that I’ve been […]
So. Fucking. Useless. Yeah, I’m talking about myself. I try my best to help people but in the end, I think I never did. So if I can’t help myself and not even help others, then what else is there to do.? Why do I even bother with things like that… It just hit midnight and I feel unwell, as if someone had walked right through me. I don’t want this life. May I have a different one..?
Having discovered the PERFECT method, I’m one step closer. A life-lover with a battered heart and a soul so tired there’s no word in the world to describe it.
I got here by mistake. Wrong door. I do not need to stay. I tried. I’m done trying.
This feels like a joke… My whole life has been a joke… My mother was to go away on a trip and it was cancelled over and over thanks to Corona. She was going in a few days and I had already planned my death.. Even if it wouldn’t have worked, I was at least going to try to end this misery. My mind is deadly, it’s making everything seem like it’s out to get me.
I had backed up our family photos on a cloud, which took me hours. Only so that my family won’t forget to do it after I’m gone. I take any […]
I’m so very empty… For 4 years you had been my best friend. But I didn’t feel important to you for a long while. I’ve cried out, for more time with you, more affection, but no matter how often I did, you didn’t care.. you didn’t care enough.
I’m not a happy person and I need more than other people do. I’m sorry, I’m like this.. I really am. Telling you goodbye, was one of the most painful things I did this year already. Great start of 2021.. Now I see you removing everything around me, that had anything to do with you. It hurts. But […]
I’m so tired of holding in 80% of my pain. Somehow others don’t notice the 20% I do show. And if I show more, no one wants anything to do with me. I mean, I get it. Nobody wants to hang out with a sourpuss, who ruins their happy mood. I’ve really tried my best. I did, lovelies. I can’t keep upsetting everyone for being too busy to give a fly.
So the solution is simple. I have to go away. I have to leave everything behind. Everything I’ve ever owned, been gifted or bought myself. And most importantly, the people I’ve constantly upset with my […]
I am so tired of
Doctors
Medication
Blood tests
Needles
Pain
Waking up in hospitals being told I’m “lucky to be alive”
Doctors telling me they don’t know why
Hospital food
The sound of the medication timer
My body surprising me with new symptoms and dangerous complications.
My mind turning into mush
Spending holidays in the hospital
Being poked and prodded by ppl in scrubs, talking in hushed tones, while the moniter beeps
Iv poles
Fighting to get thru work
Calling in sick to work
Having to fake it for the camera
Telling men on first dates
Telling friends I’m too sick
Telling family I don’t […]
I should be happy, I know I should.
I feel lonely and tired. I have all the symptoms of serious depression I deal with daily for almost two years now. I fear that I will never be able to enjoy my life and to feel happy. I have all the things i ever wanted. I have beautiful and amazing wife, wellpaid job where everybody, including my bosses tell me how important I am and two amazing cats plus all the books I ever wanted to read. I have a great passion – my own music but still I cannot enjoy it because my feelings of anxiety […]
She was saying something about something being “straight out of the dryer”, to noone in general. She was in the front door alcove of the hardware store, the one with the neon “Open” sign in the front window, right above the note that perpetually hangs there, reading “Had to leave, customer needed door fixed.” The neon sign is always on, even when they’re closed. Nothing she had just came out of a dryer. She was wrestling a large sleeping bag into a shopping cart, full of her belongings. Her hair, not quite shoulder length, stood straight out on the left side of her head. She […]
I’m not sure what to do, I just want to die.
I’m being kicked out from the last family I have left. I escaped a four year, extremely abusive relationship, and begged to the last blood relatives I have for shelter. It’s been nearly a year since February, and they’ve decided I don’t “fit in with the family” and am “not getting better,” so they want me out. I have no health insurance, I’m on disability for major depression, BPD, and a myriad of physical health problems. I’m not able to navigate Medicare or anything, I honestly just have panic attacks when trying to do anything […]
This is my story about why I almost killed myself back in late November of 2019. Most of the time when we hear suicide we get this idea of someone doing it because they want “the pain to stop” or they feel that suicide is the only way out. Well, that’s not why I almost killed myself. I did it out of sheer guilt. A little backstory as to what lead to this was that I had a friend that I unintentionally made feel uncomfortable multiple times throughout the fall semester of my junior year at college. Nothing that I did was sexual in any […]
My name is Niki Wonoto. I am from Jakarta, Indonesia.
I am severely depressed & suicidal. I feel so alone, nobody cares, even if I die.
I’m 38 years old loser & failure. Maybe better to just die.
It’s so incredibly relaxing to sit in the comfort of oblivion. So peaceful to adopt a who cares attitude. I am absolved of all responsibility.
I was searching the webernet for tips on trimming cat claws a few years back, and came across a video by an animal behavioralist named Dr. Sophia Yin. The video was good, her personality engaging and attractive. Intrigued by what she had to say, I searched for more of her work, and found an article detailing her suicide. In it, a co-worker and friend of hers spoke of her insecurity concerning her career. Even as her business grew by […]
This is my story about why I almost killed myself back in late November of 2019. Most of the time when we hear suicide we get this idea of someone doing it because they want “the pain to stop” or they feel that suicide is the only way out. Well, that’s not why I almost killed myself. I did it out of sheer guilt. A little backstory as to what lead to this was that I had a friend that I unintentionally made feel uncomfortable multiple times throughout the fall semester of my junior year at college. Nothing that I did was sexual in any […]
I’ve been around the site for a long time now, but never really posted anything… Guess I never thought the point of it. (Reaching out) or sharing my feelings hasn’t been a strong suit being an introvert and all but right now I’m on the verge again… I’ve been struggling since a long time, first with autoimmune diseases and how I coped with it just so I can keep working since 4 years by abusing benzo’s .. trying to quit and ween off slowly now, but it’s hell. I haven’t been to work in a week(I hate it) plus the withdrawals are bad… I skip […]