I moved out of my mum’s house to get away and have a chance at living. There I was falling behind in school, and I had to raise both of my siblings and take care of them even though one was three years older than me. I did all the house work, cooking, and cleaning. I played Mum because no one else cared. Finally, ten months ago, I moved out and in with my aunt and cousins. I don’t know which place is worse. Everyone here hates me. I’m the ***** that moved in and ruined everybody’s life even though I’ve been generous and I […]
I’ve had depression, anxiety and anger problems for years now. I have my good patches, I have my bad. Currently it’s my longest run of bad patch, over 2 months of consecutive bad days no good ones filtered in there, it’s taking its toll really.
I have a lot of responsibility, I run a business, I just received a loan from my parents to buy a car. Every time I try and see a psychologist something comes up, a business meeting, all of my bills come out on the same day so I have no money. The problem is the bad days just keep on coming, […]
I’m a med student.
I’ve recently started cutting – just yesterday in fact – and it hurts. I’d gone and bought carpet blades and tested it, but the feeling when the blade cuts across kinda makes me cringe. But the aftermath – the little pinprick of pain that follows, is amazing. It’s constantly there, and I can FEEL it.
Does it get better? I want to feel that pain, but the starting part just kinda puts me off. It’s he constant pain that makes it so worth it. I’d woken up this morning and added three more cuts, but like I said, the starting part isn’t that pleasant.
I’d […]
When my mother died I was eight years old. When this happened my father turned to drugs and proceeded to neglect and somewhat abuse me and my brother (non-sexually). Every since then I have looked for some affection from any man, just to have them be kind to me or even love me. I was later molested by two men I was manipulated and broken.
Everyone says I’m beautiful, but I’m always ridiculed by guys for many reasons. And whenever I proceed to tell a guy I like him, he acts like i’m the most disgusting thing in the world.
But then I finally found […]
i’m so sick of this bullshit.
when there are many people around, they say that they’re so proud of me, that they’re lucky to have me as their daughter.
meanwhile at home, they just yell at me about how a disgrace i am to the family.
everything i do is for them, even just studying, even living.
they don’t believe in suicide, they tell me that people who commited suicide were just tempted by the devil.
but what they don’t know is that their own daughter is too.
i’ve been the salutatorian ever since i began studying. i’ve been the editor-in-chief of our school newsletter. i always join contests, but never won […]
Im not sure whether or not I still have depression because I stopped crying and feeling numb all the time. However, maybe its because I got out of school and I dont have to see anyone anymore. I still cut and think about cutting everyday. I still like depressing music. Im not sure if im better or not.
I know I posted earlier, and I am afraid it IS coming very soon. But I just have to get it off my chest.
I don’t deserve to work my ass off on 8-10 hour days for 3 hours of pay just to come “home” to a place I have to leave in a week, with nowhere to go after the next week, with my jobs on the line at risk of losing all income, just to cry all god damn evening until I finally pass out for the night.
I deserve a full time job that I can live off of.
I deserve a place to live.
I […]
It’s been quite some time since I last posted here. Life was difficult (and in many ways still is) when I was a regular contributor. A quick recap: chronic pain/back injury, constant struggle to get necessary medications to manage said pain to maintain something akin to a “normal” life, got destroyed in the housing market collapse – lost two houses, and child support enforcement that seems to think I a gazillionaire when I can barely afford to eat – never mind that all “children” are adults.
There’s a plethora of other smaller issues that contribute, and some of those listed above – particularly the child support […]
Hello to you all. I am DarknessIncarnate. This is not my real name but my tale is real I can assure you.
How do I start? I suppose it started when I was in Primary. In my years in my primary school I was never able to make any friends asides from two people. One had the surname of Holmes and the other of Dell. Let’s call them H (for Holmes) and D (for Dell). My first friend was H, and we never really were that far apart from one another. We were close friends and always enjoyed more abstract, imaginative games. Often involving crossing together […]
I guess I’ve been scared for a long time. I worry constantly about everything, so much so that people yell at me about my worries and about how annoying I am. I don’t know what will happen in the future – I don’t know if I’ll be able to change or if my depression will go away. I’ve had depression for about two to three years, and I haven’t seen anyone or told anyone about it, except for my best friend, but he doesn’t understand. No one understands. I don’t think I truly have friends, because they know me on a school-politeness-same hobbies way, but […]
fuck, i don’t know where to write. This is the only place i felt safe to write something down and make it public. I am sorry, I am not suicidal anymore. Life is way more sucky this way. I can’t let myself even fantasize about killing myself because now I am a bitter grown up person who is not selfish enough to allow myself those fantasies. But I am selfish. And my lazy, depressive and lost existence makes life difficult for people around me, just less difficult than it would be if I killed myself. So I am that much less selfish.
Some days are so […]
So, I just started a new job… I took it for several reasons:
a) I earn 300 euro more compared to before and could depending on my performance boost this with another 60% of my total salary… But this is just money. I hate it.
b) Maybe it is the same as the above as I am currently in dept more or less… because of the drugs. I actually took the job (partly) so that I could support this lifestyle, while thinking I would be able to make my life more stable with a 9 till 5 job rather then one in which my hours […]
People say ‘just give it time, hang in there’ etc but what’s the point? It’s just more time to decompose, for your mind to deteriorate.
10 years ago someone said to me ‘you’re on the cusp of a really great relationship’, now that person is married and I haven’t had one relationship since. If that’s not a sign to slice your throat and let the blood pour out until you’re gone I don’t know what is.
None of my ‘friends’ talk to me anymore, or invite me anywhere, I never go out anywhere. When I texted everyone that I was changing my phone number no one responded. […]
Right now I’m lying here in bed, like every weekend, overthinking, like trapped inside my own mind. I wonder what may be wrong, I can’t find any answer. Since I was a little child, I knew there was something different in me, too shy, too nervous, too sensitive, too depressed.
I grew in a humble home, my parents never went to a school, dad was an alcoholic and agressive person, often came drunk and angry at the nights. Sober or drunk, whatever, he always seemed disappointed about me, and that was confusing to me, because I always did my best in everything. Mom was a victim […]
I’ve just realised how vague my previous post was, which may delay the process in receiving some form of helpful reply.
Ill try to put into words this feeling.
I can’t do anything right. No matter what I say or do or how I look. The phrase “no-once cares unless you’re pretty or dying” comes to mind. Of which only one applies to me, and I can certainly say that my appearance has had no positive impact on my life. I feel empty but at the same time I feel nothing, so really the question is – do I really feel anything at all? Am I forcing […]
I thought by coming across a site like this would enable me to actually be able to rant about something, anything, so that my mind would be clear for a moment. But sitting here, typing this out, I’m struggling with how to put into words something which might catch someone’s attention who may be going through something similar. Someone I can relate to. The majority of people on here I suppose will all have similar background stories or specific tragedies which crossover with someone else’s, and so a relationship forms as these crossover people discover each other and help. My issue is; despite knowing the […]
I don’t really have problems. My life is pretty awesome. I am surrounded by people who love me, I am likable, I am cute, and I make other people happy. I can’t really ask for more.
But there is a hollowness to all of it. An emptiness that I have felt for many years. And under that, a pain that I have been pushing down and burying deep, deep inside.
I don’t know why it hurts, just that it always has. When I think about it, I can feel it. I’m always aware of it. This terrible sucking, aching, vacuous throbbing that beats inside my chest and […]
Ugh..where to start lol obviously the biggining I was raised by my grandma until age13 when I moved in with my mom for first time it was strange I had grown up with no power or running water on a farm an town life was totally new to me I quickly took up smoking pot for a few years but by age 15 I had […]
Why do we pick days for suicide? I have been trying to plan mine for a fucking year, maneuvering the date around birthdays or special occasions. But then I realized, it doesn’t matter what day it is. It doesnt matter if we leave a note expressing our apologies to loved ones or telling them how much we love them. It is never going to take the pain away. Suicide is selfish and I’m not going to bullshit myself anymore. It just is. But people make selfish decisions all the time, not revolving around death. I’m choosing this for me. For once in my life, I’m […]
…then what is tomorrow?