Family & Friends Effects

At my sister’s 11th birthday party, she invited all of her friends to this place where you could bake a cake with fancy equipment. And she is an outgoing person, so there were 15-20 people there along with our extended family.
I had a mental breakdown in the parking lot, just complete and utter depression. When my parents got me to come inside, I locked myself in the bathroom so I wouldn’t embarrass my sister. My mom thought I was trying to kill myself again, so she got the people to unlock it and then wouldn’t let me go back in. So I spent the […]

The worst part isn’t the loneliness, or the emptiness, or the coldness.
It’s the fact that people care, that the people in my life love me.
No matter how much I wish everyone hated me or how much I wish nobody cared,
if I died I would be missed.
Did you know that sometimes when a mother’s child dies, she only lives a few years after? My mom says that when a mother’s child dies, the mother loses her will to live;
the driving force for life. The fact that people care feels like my last hope has been ripped away from me. Tell me […]

You can’t just give them one thing and then give me another. When I try to make the same thing you’d yell at me, forbidding me from eating it. I’d understand if you’d just say you were saving it for them, they’re young and whatnot. But I can tell that you just don’t want me to eat like them because I’m still fat and haven’t lost enough weight for you. It makes me upset and I’d rather not eat anything whatsoever but then you’d make yet another dish and invite me for a bite. I’d decline and you’d threaten me saying I might as well […]

I don’t like
Having to witness this
I can’t
Get the courage to tell her to apologize when she’s in the wrong
she might turn around and yell at me. I dont want that. I’ve had enough of that
How can I make myself better. How can I be good enough to not be yelled at. To not be looked upon in such manner
I hate it
I hate it
I hate how she hits them for a reason that she believed to be true, but wasn’t. And doesn’t apologize but continue to yell and hit for an extended reason that justified the initial one. […]

Amidst this lockdown, I found that I have been able to make only a few friends in my 22yrs on this planet and no-one close enough to speak my heart to. I have no idea how to make friends, and above all that I’m an introvert program to be quite and alone.

is it sad, that i always find myself back here? whats sad anymore.. i feel numb, no feeling lasts more than 5 seconds. and i have gotten used to it. i bared with that empty feeling for so long, so hard. even my tries to die weren’t so genuine.. i am too tired to even die. if the world collapsed this very second i would just blink and probably feel nothing still, maybe a glimpse of relief but thats all. i just really wish i never existed. i didn’t want to exist i never asked for it, and i feel like im ungrateful because of […]