Family & Friends Effects

I want to feel. I want to trust. I want to believe in the good that remains in this world.

I am so obsessed with being in control and keeping my vulnerability on a tight leash. Finding excuses to stay locked up away from everyone else.

I am annoying, ugly, delusional, crazy, needy, broken… who wants that?

They see objects when they look at me. My Mother saw the drugs my money could buy, or the facade she could create by projecting herself as another. My father saw an easily manipulated pawn to utilize in his chess game. My friends saw a charity case, a pest, a burden, and someone who […]

I had already planned my suicide for the upcoming weeks. I attempted to let my family aware of this so there’s less grief to have when the times comes. My girlfriend has not only been keeping secrets and lying from but so have my parents. She got angry and told me that they want to section me.

I think this only solidifies my urge to leave sooner. People will never love you and will always find better, believe me… Try being told by your girlfriend who you’ve given everything to that she finds other people more attractive and gives them the attention you give to […]

if we all felt love would we still want to die? would we still have the “i dont give a fuck” attitude? if we lived in a perfect world, where everyone was kind, supportive and loving, would suicide rates go down?

this is something i wonder. i wonder about it alot actually, usually in the context of myself. if i felt like people truly cared and loved me, would it make enduring the pain of my illness easier? would things get better? i dont know. but i wonder.

i sometimes also wonder if my hospitalisation has had an impact on my boyfriend. ive tried to be as […]

I’ve been with my husband for nearly 20 years. Everyday is a struggle to keep his mood up. My husband has always fought sucidal thoughts and clinical depression. He feel and broke both his legs in July 2016. He was hospitalized for 5 months and can no longer walk or care for himself. He is 42. He had long term illnesses and now on top of everything feels hes a burden to me and his daughter. It is a struggle caring for a bedridden person, but he is in physical therapy and is improving everyday. The hardest struggle for.me is having to constantly be on […]

I told him i wanted to kill myself. That i even planned it out for that night. I think im falling back into my old eating disorder habits, especially since i checked my weight. I feel like a waste of space and i know he loves me, but it feels like he is the only one. Is there anyone else who cares, I know suicide is a selfish thing, the most selfish thing, a person can do to another. But sometimes it seems like the only option. What to do.. what to do…