General

As I mentioned before, I think I fucked myself and got a failing grade on my directed research. I forgot/ignored it all semester so nothing got done. It didn’t help that my advisor was on sabbatical and didn’t really guide me much on what I was supposed to do. Although I can not blame him as it was on me to get things working. Now I wait for what I believe will be a failing grade. It drops Saturday. So somehow this waiting is worse than the past few weeks. I knew something was going to get me […]

Do you feel like you’re cursed? I feel like I’ve been cursed.

All life is is constant ache that never goes away, only pretends to do so for a day or 2, giving you a hope that things will get better, you will get better, and life will be okay. But it never is, for one reason or another. I want out of my head. Not the world I created in my head, though, just my head. The scary part. The real life. It’s a neverending fucking pain. I cant take the neverending pain. I’m a very weak individual, both for wanting to die and yet being too scared to do so. I feel as if it […]

Those feelings of dread, sadness, fear, self-hatred. The feeling of being worthless. The feeling of wanting to die. Then you come out of it. Just a bit. The feelings are still there, but they don’t ache as much. They become flat. Maybe you might even feel a little happy. A little carefree. They were real tough a few weeks ago. Then a felt a little lighter. Now I can feel it again. Slowly coming back. I haven’t been here on a small while. I want to comment more on people’s posts. […]

I used to be so capable, and did so much.
Now, I’m a shell of what I used to be.

I used to have confidence in myself, now I don’t.
Part of that has to do with manipulative assholes and gaslighters who purposely whittled down my confidence so they could control me.

Granted, I was never super super confident, but I had SOME confidence in myself. I want at least what I USED to have and idk how to get it back.

All these years of me getting battered by the world and by shitty evil ppl have crushed me.

Depression leads to Procrastination which leads to a myriad of things that fuck us over. And yet, we still procrastinate.

why is it so hard to care about people. people and things in general. i dont really know. it feels like the only way i ever care about anything is through consequences. i dont think its an ADHD thing. I didn’t want a >4.0 gpa before the end of this year, i just didn’t want to see something lower and have that failure hanging over me. I did it, >4.0 gpa. I’m not really proud of myself, I’m not disappointed with myself (at least not about this), its just nothing. I wanted it for a good reason; in my first semester of university i failed […]

(not anyone on SP)

All you assholes and shitcunts that have screwed me over- I wish you 1000x the pain and misery you brought onto me. Yes, I DO wish the worst pain imaginable onto you. You’re vile shitty fucking pieces of shit. I fucking hate you evil fucking assholes. You deserve to get stabbed and tortured by someone way more evil than you. THAT would be the ONLY justice. For someone to physically and psychologically torture you the same way you did to me, but 1000x worse.

I never did anything to any of you, and yet you have done […]

Yes, I get that there is no “meaning” in life except for what we assign to it. However, there is the question of the biological meaning, or meaning in the Earthen world. By that I mean, it seems all species on Earth breed, evolve, breed some more, and then eventually gets demolished by a stronger life form and cease to exist. The rate of extinction for mammals is about 1M years.

I get survival of the fittest- the best and strongest survive. The best and strongest kill the weaker species and even the weaker ones of their own species. Which explains […]

I have been mourning my breakup for 4 months and I think I am finally over it.

Last night I ran into my ex’s sister, last time I saw her it was Christmas Eve and she hated me. I thought she still did but yesterday she told me that she’s sorry for how things ended and how my Ex became right after. She even told me that she doesn’t like his new girlfriend which was a bit funny. When I think about the relationship and how it ended I don’t feel heartsick anymore, I recognize the good and the bad and that’s it.

Sometimes it’s hard to fall asleep because the nights are the moments of pure silence that allow my mind to drift away and give space to my thoughts. I often spend my nights wondering how my life would have turned out if I made different decisions or if I was a different person.
Sometimes I dream of being loved and I love that feeling even though it’s just in my mind, but more often than not I dream about how my life could end at any second, I just stare at the ceiling thinking about how it wouldn’t change a thing in the […]

I never thought I’d post on here until I did. That’s the problem with me. I’m antisocial, but low-functioning. I test people to see if they will care when I act antisocial, and am surprised when they don’t care back. I don’t understand cause and effect. I say I want to end it when things don’t work. Would they ever have with my approach?

I am the most laughable member on this site.

I understand myself and my issue was perfectionism without the actual effort. I can’t do anything differently anymore. I am stuck and I make others know it. What will I do? Lately it’s been […]

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I called. I knew by the tone of voice that answered that the news was not good.  ” Hey man, he let me down, his missus got rushed to hospital, he had to mind the child, he’ll drop it off 2moro, definitely 2moro”. I don’t know what annoyed me more, the fact the weed was not there or the concomitant excuse.  ” Right, I’ll give you a shout tomorrow” I said.  This is what you will bump into repeatedly if you do not have the option of physically walking into a marijuana dispensary. Street marijuana can be obtained within minutes and has been interfered with. […]

I had two teeth pulled and two caps put in. The caps aren’t much of an issue, but the extractions….. left holes. Those holes will heal, BUT, until they do, I’m off nicotine. The only way I have thought of that I could have nicotine is if I used the patch, but I used the patch when I was stuck in a no smoking hospital, it’s part of what’s kept me from checking myself in for the last five years. The patch doesn’t provide pleasure, it makes the lacking worse.

On the shy side, 48 hours to go…. that’s the minimum before I can enjoy nicotine…. […]

Rockabye

Is anyone else tired of the suggestions people make to alleviate depression? Taking a walk, ordering my favorite food and listening to music seem to be the most common ones. But I’ve heard everything from go roller skating to go square dancing. I realize people mean well but it’s almost insulting. Such superficial actions do absolutely nothing for clinical depression and it’s evidence of the total lack of understanding of the condition. I’m so tired of taking psychotropic medication. It does help me sleep but that’s about it. And as I’ve mentioned here before, my insurance pays zero for me to see a professional clinical […]