General

I couldn’t wait until death could just meet me. Hopefully it would be a swift occasion. It’s wild how some people’s purpose in your life was to just make you suffer and then leave.

I don’t want to remember those things I lived through. I shouldn’t have been made to live through them in the first place.

Suicide may take people’s attention but for how long? The world would move on. People move on. I just want to be validated for what I do and I’m not getting them just like a billion others. I’m not special.

It’s okay. The less special I am the easier […]

dear “valued” applicant, while we appreciate your ongoing search for meaning and purpose, we have decided to give it to someone else. We appreciate the time it took for you to seek us out, except we don’t in any meaningful way, and we cast you back into the meaningless void.

Please come ask us for meaning again, so we can once again tell you that you are LESS THAN. YOU ARE NOT ENOUGH. YOU”LL NEVER BE ENOUGH. Thanks so much for wasting your time, wasting our time, wasting your life.

Even though you have a degree in the field, and six years of applicable work experience, there […]

I can see who I need to grow closer to. Who uplifts me and gives me the most life. Who drives me to my best self. Who i forget myself in the company of.

I just feel terrible seeing as well those people who I must move past in order to pursue a deepening of those relationships. Those who still deserve love and my caring. I see that they will not be best for me, despite how they may need me.

My mind wanders to the question- Is that why I feel unrequited in such of the good company […]

Lately I keep remembering this sentence a classmate once said, an answer for a question: “would you take the easy or hard way to success?” And I answered easy and he said, “why easy? Of course the hard way is more worth it.”

Is it though? By the years I’m realising that I just want everything to be easy because my BPD makes everything hard for me. Choice fatigue, career, studying, relationships; well everything is extra hard for me. It’s honestly frustrating that people seeing me don’t understand or see that I just can’t.

This world is hard. Life as a human is hard. I […]

It has been 1 year 7 months since my suicide attempt. During one morning heading to work, while I was on the escalators I marvelled at the sight of people around me and thought to myself, “Wow, what a sight! This would not be possible if I was still alive.” I recalled that it was a serious attempt in which I ended up in hospital. I would then notice how it feels ‘strange’ to still be alive.

This feeling of strangeness would visit me on the rare occassion, and I’m not sure how to react. But I simply brushed it off, as if it were a […]

As the title says everything fucking dies around me or leaves me. When i say everything dies around me i mean EVERYTHING. My cats died, my plants died, objects i come into contact with stoo working. I have a LITERAL animal cemetery in my yard filled with cats, dogs, chicken, ducks, and mice. Things i loved and fed and watered died and NONE due to old age. And any friends or relationships i had just stopped talking to me or just abandon me. Everyone leaves me when i try so hard. Am i cursed? Am i just destained to be alone forever? Why can’t i […]

I don’t know if it’s because of my education or just intuition, but meaningful dreams are usually pretty revealing for me. I don’t need a dream dictionary to figure out the metaphor, because I’m all about metaphor.

I’ve been having anxiety dreams about not belonging/being unwanted. Quite a few of them revolve around my granddad’s house and that side of the family. There is some bitterness there, because I spent his declining years with him more than anyone else, and he didn’t leave me anything. It wasn’t for the money, but you’d think he would have left something, a book, anything to indicate to me that […]

I found this site as a teen. I’m 30 now. It feels weird that I’ve found myself back here after maybe 10 years… But I needed to speak somewhere that wont be known but will be seen. I moved home with parents after a mental breakdown. Like hospitalised mental breakdown of mid life sh*t c*nt proportions. Today my dad and I were looking at new coins on the mint. It led to a conversation about some coins I already had so I left to get them. The box is missing. This collection started in 97 and even though its not crazy valuable I am freaking. […]

I hope she’s holding herself together. I’m sorry and I forgive you as well.

I hailed a Taxi. I fucking hate taxis and taxi- drivers in general, the conversation is usually unbearable. My own car was getting serviced so in a case of needs must I had to get a taxi.

I got in the back, the driver called me by name, then I recognized who the driver was, an old friend from primary school, we were on the soccer team together, then years passed and our paths crossed again when we were 18 and he did me what I always considered a tremendous favour. Over 20 years had passed again. My first impression was he didn’t look good, the […]

I’m so tired of feeling tired all of the time. I’ve been running on empty for 15 years now. There might be some physical issues that are contributing to it, but I think it’s probably just depression. I can’t see a way to a life that seems meaningful, so the motivation part of me has just given up. Why bother, when even if I put myself through all the struggle, I still won’t ever get to the point where things feel ok again?

There’s no positive goal that I can use to motivate myself to take action. So the only reason I ever do anything is […]

If I don’t cut out the rotten part of me within 3 months, it grows into a cancer that will ensure that I hate everyone and everyone hates me. It’s nearly been 4 months. “Four months clean, congrats.” No good reason to celebrate when not cutting just means I’m gearing up to kill myself. Whatever. I just need to cut soon. You have to atone somehow, eye for an eye, blood for blood. My body is a graveyard for my sins, and I need to be reminded of them. “A reminder of God’s promise” and he’s a cruel god. I’ll cut or I’ll kill myself. […]

empty, that’s all I can seem to say to myself, empty, somethings missing where there should be something

sadness like a song I can’t get out of my head, hopelessness is an endless nerve grinding beat, was always there, I just lost the ability to push it away

how can I have all these words? how can I have skills? how can I seem to have so much potential?

but nothing, empty, not even enough to go outside some days, like today. Just sitting, empty, wishing I had something to do, someone to be…. but I don’t. my heart, my head, my life, empty

idk why I’m here. I’m too exhausted to even try right now, but I think I have what I need to do it. I wish I could tell them how I feel right now… but idk what’s up atm, they’re probably busy with a mix of things. and I’d just be bothering them anyway… adding to the toxic piece of trash I am. I’m emotionally exhausted. I’ve had a really horrible fucking week, and I dont expect this one to be any better. I should’ve done it on the day I cried like 3 times. before then, even.

the only thing I had to look forward […]