General

Last time I helped someone important to me, talk to their friend because they wanted to take their life. I don’t even know that person so well. I won’t share details out of respect. I talked from a standpoint where I understand what it’s like and not pretend to find reasons everything is great.

Well, today I am in fact having a hard time, my mind is racing, I reached out to so many hands and no one took 5 minutes out of their day, to talk to me. So I took my hand back. I’m in isolation mode. There’s the internal loneliness, that isn’t all […]

I remember there was a time a few years back when I gave myself an “expiration date.” I had purchased some drugs that was meant to kill me and told myself “if shit doesn’t get better by next year i’ll finally do it.” Well the thought of my very short time left must have done something because a few months later my life turned around for the better. That and the guy I sent money to to provide me with those drugs actually scammed me and I never really had any means of  killing myself. For the next couple of years after that I was […]

It’s one thing to accept the pain, know nearly every moment is excruciating, understand you can’t feel any of the happiness others can. To watch youth crumbling away and know everything you’ve lost. It’d be okay… If it ended. I can’t take the horror of every day with the frustration of thinking I know exactly what’d help me and just waiting for the healthcare I need with no idea when it’s coming or if I’ll last that long. I’m nowhere close to being able to afford it myself. There’s nowhere to go if you get more desperate, you just have to wait your turn. And […]

the working memory of humans supposedly limits somehow the amounts of things that a person can be aware of at the same time when working on something. it was once said that this number is seven, plus/minus two, but people who care about such ideas say these days that this is a bit more complicated than that.

why brain, why? why can’t i just use everything i want all at once? i don’t like how this works. worthless brain. it only makes everything hard.

hmm… what was i supposed to do next today? why did i end up writing this? what were the things that i wanted […]

I wish that I could die just by thinking about it without having to physically kill myself

there’s a squeezing of my insides, a shredding of my mind, and a weight pulling down my body that will not let up. and now that it’s all more outwardly seen by other people, again, they are offended by it. not even from what I say to them, just from it visibility affecting me. just keep your thoughts to yourself, for fuck’s sake. people truly think that you either aren’t trying enough or will tell you to consider something that you’ve already considered about a hundred different times, without their input. don’t say a damn thing, I’ll be much better off

It’s not much fun, being a monster. Would not recommend it. You get these constant reminders of what everyone thinks of you. Society loves a good villain. How can our heroes be truly heroic if those they pursue aren’t truly evil? Writers love to plumb the depths of human depravity, and audiences eat it up.

The obvious response to this is “just stop being evil.” Unfortunately, your past casts a long shadow. Some things mark you as forever beyond the pale, even after you stop. Besides which, the motivations that led you to that point don’t just disappear. If you’re sufficiently fucked in the head, realising […]

So idk. I guess life is ok but i just can’t keep on keeping on. I was married, now i’m not. Then I was involved in a rather complicated relationship. now I’m not. At the end of the day i know that i am loved, and i am responsible for my children, and i have burdens to carry. And idk if I can keep things keeping on. idk if i want to. My ex is a complete wreck, alcoholic, abusive, tells the world that I am a pathetic worthless human being even though i’m the one who made sure that our children were fed.

This is my first post and lets do this.

I am just an average guy who fought with depression my whole life. It started in fifth grade and got worse over the years. Sorry for my english I am not a native speaker

Highlights this year:

– (Januaray) My uncle died, my dad had a stroke, and my ex broke up with me. Best 3 weeks of my life.

-(ApriL) I broke down in front of my parents telling them that i want to kill myself whil crying. they respone was laughing me out.

-(May) I had a break […]

it’s hard to figure out how to start or end with this. i’ve lost my will about a hundred times already, yet i still find new lows to hit. i despise my job and can not find any real relief from working because i have second gig that i go to nearly every day, so I’m always getting home late. i’ve never been able to leave home before and am now stuck living at home to help take care of one family member while having to be around two others that i cannot stand. i can’t enjoy any movies, shows, and video games anymore. i […]

I’ve done some bad things recently. It’s my second DUI. I deserve death! I never thought fear could be dangerous but it turns out my fear is my biggest enemy and it’s quite harmful to those in my community. I drink to self medicate my extreme social anxiety. I’ve made myself a promise as an alcoholic…….I WILL NEVER DRIVE A CAR AGAIN. I tried all the tips and tricks to dealing with social anxiety but I’m someone who really needs medication for it. It turns out that Psychiatrists don’t wanna prescribe anything useful because they’re afraid of getting sued. Apparently there’s a lot of “patients” […]

Living surrounded by my enemies. It’s possible but it’s pretty hard
How can a human be happy in this world when everything is fucked up? Why aren’t things going alright for everyone? Why isn’t everything perfect? Why the constant struggle?

Been four and a half years since my last post, so hi there, I guess?

Just now I reread this post and felt that things hadn’t aged well, so I’ll be going over every bullet I put in here. Why? I mean, why not? I do not really care if anyone reads it or not, but I thought it would be interesting for myself to do. Ok, but then why bother posting it? Just in case someone would find it entertaining, I guess?

Here is why I hate my life
– My school life sucks (the only decent thing are my grades)
This one didn’t age well […]

Fuck all of this