General

I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I have been a person I don’t like for a long time, and I can’t change it or fix it because I’m just too impulsive. I say what’s really on my mind without thinking.. I don’t think before I do. I was always taught to use the traffic light method.. And my personality with my disorders is just so impulsive I skip right over the Red, and yellow, and go straight for the green and just say it.

I have talked to my therapist and she says to just keep journaling.. But it honestly doesn’t help. […]

Even when I try my hardest to keep my head up and be happier in life and have been happier. I finally found a love who is very good for me and he does everything and beyond for me. And gives me the absolute world. But yet, with all of that I’m still broken and feel like I’m still falling down this dark rabbit hole. I don’t know how to get out of it. When I try and climb out I slip down further and further. I don’t know what to do or where to go anymore. I want to just get in my car […]

why havent i just gotten it over with yet……

Earlier today I was looking in the mirror, looking at my eyes which have become more hollow and empty these days. Looking, it was obvious why;

I dedicated my life towards trying to make my fellow humans more empathetic, more kind, and came up short on resources. The millions of people who worked on this same thing, they are giving up. The forces of cruelty and division are persistent, and the defense has surrendered.

I don’t think we can call ourselves “human” anymore, because we are not humane.

Us, the ones so pained by the loss? We’re the canaries in the coal mine. The air has gone bad, […]

Utterly ungrateful: that’s me in principle, I should be content, but I’m not.
The medication I take barely even compensates the sheer lack of physical strength the human body has, but anabolic steroids is the best I can do. As for the mind, well, that’s perhaps a lost cause.

I’ve banged on and on about how humans lost most all physical potency to metabolically compensate a bigger brain. And I’ve whislted Dixie as to how our Slaveconomy disproves any benefit of said brain.
Imprisoned with a lack of toolage, mentally and physically, the system uses this to force my compliance.

I […]

I want us to work but I can’t see it…

Everything about me is problem causing. Every second you have to be watching out for me. I thought maybe I’d do some reading on being in a relationship with someone like me but…. Everything I read, even helpful information, makes me feel worse. Borderline sucks, they might as well just call it the “get it over with” disorder.

The highest rates of hospitalization, self harm and suicide. A stigma so bad the world hates us. Constant physical emotional pain.

The amount of work I’d be can’t be worth it. At any second I can crash. Becoming […]

Everyday I wake up the first thing that comes out of my mouth is “wish I was dead” and every night right before sleeping I say “best part of the day”… I am not a very happy person (obviously). However despite this I have something to look forward to to which I want to share my experience with the rest of you. And that’s taking mdma along with some magic mushrooms and let me tell you now that after spending 8+ years fantasizing about blowing my fucking brains out with a pistol what being on mdma is like. So the first time I did it […]

I want to cut i want to cut so badly right now i swear i was doing better i really was but now i just really really really need to  —- okay. I mean, honestly why shouldnt I? Who is to say it is a bad thing? Sure, its self-destructive, but the only thing I’m damaging is myself right, so why would anyone else care about this? Its my issue. Mine. Should I not do it, just to comply with some idea of health propagated by a society that cares more about functioning than well-being anyways?

I will be good to you

How to Commit Suicide the Right Way

How to Write a Great Suicide Note

I always want to help people. But despite this, I can’t even help myself. I always try to be a good son. I’m the good one. The happy one. The prodigy. I’m supposed to be smart but I do dumb things. I try to do good at school but I these voices screwed me up. I have no one. I always am good for my parents. My dad is always stressed from work. My mom has bad bipolar and depression. She also has anxiety. I try to help my dad whenever I can. I always obey them. They are kind, but the voices in my […]

I don’t recall how I came across this, now I have to pass it on like those haunted VHS tape movies.

Seriously I wish I hadn’t listened to this last night trying to sleep. It induced a sickening feeling that in a few years, probably a decade, my parents might begin their old age decline and all their hopes and feelings they put in me will wither away with them. And even if I’d have succeeded in not killing myself before their time, I’d still have failed them and left them at the banks of styx unfulfilled and even wronged. Unable to sleep rn, thinking […]

I been sick for over 6 months now. Since I got the covid vaccine I started having tachycardia. I believe that there is mold inside my house and some how the covid vaccine lower my immune system. I feel like there is mold growing inside my body. I had to quit benzos and antidepressants because they stopped working for me.  I cannot take this anymore. I have electric sensations inside my heart, fast heart rate, unable to sleep, weak heartbeat, body tremors. I been thinking of taking my life. I haven’t slept in 6 months. The pain and symptoms are too much. I either ride […]

Going through the motions as usual. I wish that I didn’t exist. I’ve been pretty much done with life for a while but I’m still here and still need to exist and still pretend that I enjoy life to some degree and…
That’s the gist

I want to cut. I know I shouldnt. I know I probably should have talked to you earlier but I didn’t want to. I hate talking about this stuff. I hate that everything about me is a thing. I hate that its always going to be. I want to die. I want to give up. I hate it. I hate all of this. It feels pointless. But I push it aside hoping for something better with you. Just maybe a chance my life isn’t complete hell. I know part of that means getting new, healthier coping mechanisms. I’m hopeful spending time with you will be […]

I don’t want to say “I realized”, because that implies that I’m right about it. I don’t know that I am, so I say “I suspect”, and that seems too little. The idea came to me out of the blue, this morning at about 4 AM. First that I’ve gotten really good at talking my subconscious mind into dealing with things that I don’t want to. Take enough pills to sleep, subconscious kicks in and goes to work. It’s a very delicate balance, because if I tick it off I get nightmares, or in the case of this morning waking up into a panic.

The other […]

I just want to say that depression is forever, been dealing with it for 4 years now….. but I won’t give up!

I’ve never imagined my life would be this empty. For years now, my life became some kind of loop of the same failures. Every time I started something new, to improve my life and started hoping again, I ended up here, and wanted to end it all, still I tried again, but I don’t think I can do that now, I’m way too tired of feeling like this all the time, to know I would just fail again, and seeing how people around me either hostile towards me or feel sorry for me.
Now I have a method and a date to finally end it, […]