General

Does anyone feel like no matter what you do or what you say people just don’t like you? I’m tired of trying to please people

Just met with my pill lady for the 1st time. Had to tell her what meds ive been on over the years and what all ive abused. Might need to get my stuff injected because i have a habit of abusing things when im mad or stressed out. She had me do a swab test that can detect what kind of meds would most suit me for my disorder. Which is crazy cuz apparently its been around for years but this is the 1st time ive heard of it cuz my docs used to experiment on me with numerous meds from 7yrs-20yrs. Been 14yrs without […]

Last night I dreamt again about the only girl who ever cared for me. Not the only girl who was into me, but the only one who got close enough for me to really feel it. She often flits in and out of my dreams, though last night was particularly vivid.

I think what stands out is the memory of what it’s like to be around someone who cares about you like that. The feeling of having someone there who’s on your side, looking out for you, who actually likes you as a person – that’s been so rare in my life. To know that someone […]

ever since i was young i always planned to end my life at the age of 18. it’s been months since i turned 18 and i’m still alive. i don’t know why. there really isn’t much to live for. things have been lonely for a long time, but maybe it’s better that way. humans as long as they live will always have an emptiness inside them that will never be filled. it’s really strange. one person’s happiness is built on the misfortune of others. i hate people. i hate myself. what right do i have to feel happy? i’m just a piece of shit. i […]

Does anyone know suicide prevention chats that don’t depend on what region you’re in? I go to ones based in USA or UK and they are always like “we are not in your region.”

All of the ones listed in the sidebar on this site are also not in my region.

I feel as though there is something very fundamental that is broken inside me, but I’m not sure what.  Everyone else is completely alien to me, it’s like they’re a different species. I can’t truly feel any connection to anyone, even those that I deeply care for and love still feel alien.  I don’t experience any positive emotions to the extent that others do, if at all. My lows are the only parts of me that I ever feel, and that’s still rare. I am filled with pain and hate, and yet I still feel so numb and empty. I hate so much about myself […]

Reality is often disappointing. I agree with Thanos.
Bad to the bone, a song where I can replace bad with sad so sad to the bone.

I’ve never felt love before.  Not for a single moment in my life.  I don’t regret never having felt it because it is something beyond my control.  Still, I wish I could know what it feels like.

It hurts really

Everytime i hear this song it shows me of my simple innocent days before i turned into the train wreck that i am today. anytime this plays on the radio while i drive, i smirk at it. Its just an overall feel good song for me, really makes that seritonin kick in. Whats your happy song?

I hate someone that I love. The reason I hate that person is because they made me love them. Stop playing with my life god.

Okay, this makes absolutely no sense…

Life: Stable, well paying job, home, family, toys, time.
Me: Depressed, suicidal, takes negative coping mechanisms back for relief including cutting, getting high, and drinking,  absolutely miserable, can’t focus, hates everything.

Life: Laid off the day after my 11th anniversary, jobless, unemployment screws me because I was given severance and my vacation time was paid out, away from family, no bed to call my own, barely eating because I apparently stay with people who also don’t eat regularly, little to no sleep for several reasons, selling the toys to pay for a move across country, away from everyone and everything I […]

Is life worth living? should i blast myself?

I’ve been here before. Having a really bad day that ends with me in my room crying, while listening to really sad songs (usually followed by a lack of quality sleep after the depressive episode) wondering…”is life worth living? should i blast myself”? 

My day began like any other day, eating a peanut butter sandwich (yes everyday!) because it’s the most easy thing for me to prepare being depressed and mentally exhausted. Watched some YouTube, Netflix and played some music (nothing special).

Then i went to my city mall hoping to find new clothes to buy. While at it i […]