General

Yeah, I’d really like that. It’s all an endless misery!

There’s a another jack on this website so I guess I’m jack #2. I really don’t want to wake up tomorrow, this is just a circle and completely pointless. Why is happiness so hard to reach, meanwhile sadness is so hard to get rid of. Sometimes life feels like a sick joke. People that I care about dies but I get to live? I didn’t ask for this , take it back cause I don’t want it.

Very energetic little birb baby found in the grass a little ways outside my very humble abode. Got a free meal of boiled and dampened egg yolk then a few hours of searching later, got to go home. Hope you make it okay out there you crazy little ball of energy.

Good morning. To anyone…

(how sad. but hey.)

I woke this morning filled with irrational hatred. Wanting to destroy the whole world, and everyone in it. It’s a familiar feeling. There’s no logic or justifiable grievance behind it. No one has ever wronged me severely enough to provoke such feelings. If I were to explain it, I would put it down to some kind of suppressed narcissistic rage. A primeval fury at being denied that which I feel entitled to.

I drift back and forth between dream and consciousness, gripped in this negative state. Slowly the parts of me charged with functioning kick into gear. But a shadow is cast over my day. What […]

My daughter keeps sayin how gross it looks but it looks way better than it did last week. My 6yrold believed me when i told him i got bit by a zombie. I personally think that was a better excuse than the truth which is “mommy lost her sh*t, bought some chemicals and sat watching ER reruns as i sprayed my arm for 30mins” lol

I started journal writing. Had to give the crisis hotline a break with my […]

im always seemingly invisible… and muted… ever since i was a young kid, i would speak – and people would ignore it. They would hear it – and just talk about something else – as if I had said nothing at all.

Over the years I have become quieter and quieter. Now I have met someone that I am madly in love with. And the only issue there is that he does the same to me. He doesn’t listen to me. He speaks over me. And it hurts so bad because it brings back all the past. And it makes me close up.

I just didn’t need […]

another thing i dont know why and search for help here: i found a record of an ambulance call from the death of my role model and cried.

2 days later a ver close up friend died by suicide.

the suicide was 2 days ago and i didnt cried about her death

but i cried about the call of lil peeps death like a baby that got hurt.

if anny1 knows if im a fucking psychopath or smthn like that pls tell me

It seems that approaching a plan of healing involves believing you “deserve” it.  So how do you heal when you approach life from a place of subservience and subjugation, self loathing and worthlessness?  Oh, I see…you just fix all that, THEN the healing begins.  Ok.

The industrialist said to the fisherman, “Why are you napping under a tree?” “Because I’ve caught enough fish for the day.” “Why don’t you catch more?” “Why would I do that?” “So you can buy more nets, a bigger boat, go out into deeper waters, then buy a whole fleet of boats and be rich like me.” “Then what?” “Well, then you can enjoy life.” The fisherman: “What do you think I’m doing now?”

In this life, some people will be winners, and some people will be losers. So how about the losers? There are also many people in this world who eventually committed suicide. So does this mean that some people are just not meant for this world?

Ah a place where I can actually talk and interact with people. I usually talk to myself. Or write about it. It’s been what two years since my last attempt. 100 benzodiazepines pills down the hatch. At first it was scared out of my mind, then a minute later I’m like “oh well” . it was nice, peaceful. I actually could breathe. I closed my eyes and fall into a abyss. Then I woke up next morning, you don’t understand how awful I felt. Not from the meds, but from failing. It was a horrible feeling. Next morning I was dizzy all day and felt […]

I’ve been thinking quite a bit, (my therapist called me an insightful person today, that’s progress). I’m well aware that I’m absurd, and that probably isn’t going to change. I think I’m done taking anything seriously that doesn’t have to be. Life is short, we’re all in this til the end. I have enough stuff. I have enough people. What I lack is enough kindness to myself. I think I’m just going to go with that. This year I turned 33, and with that age and frailty comes a greater acceptance of my own mortality, and a presence of mind that life is too short […]

Dear mates.

I’m planning something that can save me from any emotional fallout, I look for a method/methods that can make me get a sweet death without pain, maybe sleeping.
I kindly ask that some person could tell me in detail some method, that is not failable if possible; I cannot afford the shame of waking up in the hospital, knowing that I have struck the balance of my relatives and acquaintances.

I also want to thank those who created the site pattern, it is very calming.

This might be the end of the road

I’m going to talk about some identifying information in a bit, but first on that;

I’ve been writing on here for a few years now. For the first year I’d guess I posted maybe once or twice, responded as many times. I was very concerned about privacy issues regarding doxing, and to discuss my desire to die, I’m going to say some things I would never want to be associated with my real name. As such, I have community here, while having an outside life that doesn’t have to know. So, it becomes more comfortable as I find others of similar philosophy such that I can […]