General

I’ve been trying to clean up my office, you know the place I spend 18 hours a day six days a week in.  Today, as I was shambling my way through it (the only state I know how to clean in anymore), I came across a length of chain used to train dogs. It’s a horribly inhumane little object, and most days I’m too soft to use it on my puppies.

I feel like it’s pretty obvious where my mind went next. I fantasized about ending my life. That’s how suicidality comes to me now; little bursts that no one sees coming, followed by hours of […]

I dreamt of a cub last night… they were very upset with me. It’s been a while. I wonder if they’re okay.
Could they let me know how they’re doing? It’s okay if not, I understand. I wouldn’t want to talk to me either.

We are not allowed to have chargers in our room so I have to give my laptop to the nurses station to charge.   I’ve shown them several times how to set it up to charge and several times they have not done it right so no charge.    How hard is it to plug in a laptop?   Yesterday I asked them to bring everything into my room and I plugged it in and placed it on the docking station and made sure it locked in place and bingo, it was charging.    they took it back and were able to repeat the same process and […]

I feel awful all the time and I don’t know why. Nothing seems real anymore, its like I never truly feel anything. Even when I interact with people in my life, it all seems like my experiences mean nothing to me anymore, instead everything seems so hollow (even though it seems like nothings changed.) I spend most of my days studying, exercising and reminiscing on past experiences for they felt so much more meaningful and REAL. Yet I don’t understand why I feel this way, I haven’t lost anyone nor have any major circumstances changed since then, so why I do feel so empty now. […]

Does anyone else wonder what it must be like to be normal? I thought I was normal once, turns out I was wrong, now I’m curious how that must feel. Plans, goals, friends, family, are things just that much easier when you aren’t fucked up?

I should really stop coming here as often as I am now. I have been coming her for the better part of 5 years. There are times when I won’t post for months at a time, and other times where it becomes a thing every other day or so. I kind of want to go back to the former, but for right now I feel like the latter. Anyways I was just thinking about the baggage that’s sitting at the corner of the room. I did a coin flip to see if I should just get rid of it, but […]

Not so good sleep night last night.    Got about 4 hours per my CPAP machine.   Still in the Mental health unit of the local hospital until at least Monday when I may be transferred to a Residential facility.  Who knows because I have been getting the run around on the subject of bed availability. given my luck with sleep, medications and low blood pressure this week I am not counting on anything.

This evening the medication nurse managed to piss me off.     I have had a bad foot so walking has been a problem.   Yesterday I did make it out to three group therapy […]

…

I think I would rather take a bullet in the head than stand another minute in this place.

(Earth)

I’m so tired I would hit the ground like a slate of marble if it all hit at once

I’ve never been homeless. I’ve never been an orphan. However I am emotionally homeless, as I have yet to find a place that completely feels like home. Although I am still grateful for how close I’ve come to feeling home. I am emotionally an orphan, as those that I thought were my parents… Never really loved me. Although I am still grateful for the family I have made.

I am emotionally homeless. I am emotionally an orphan. And it still hurts. While I will not compare it to actually being as I have never been, that does not make the pain I feel from both any […]

Just read over my YouTube comment history and realized how bad my personality disorder is

as long as I can remember, I’ve been fascinated by death. Not usually so much in that I will die someday, though I always supposed that I would. I lost a caregiver at a young age. For some reason it still bothers me that no one told me she was sick until she was already gone. She was my great aunt, and is probably responsible more than anyone wants to talk about for who I became. She was an opera singer, spent a few years doing that in Germany, then settled down with her lawyer husband. Her daughter couldn’t have kids of her own, so […]

Light at the end of the tunnel for my depression is still non existent.   I feel like I just should of gone through with my plan.   the only thing that stopped me was keeping a promise to my wife who had told me 2 days before that she was leaving me,  go figure.     There is light at the end of the tunnel for a plan after I leave here.    I will be going to a residential facility for about two weeks or as long as the insurance allows.    After that I am planning to do EMBR therapy with my therapist here.    […]

How? I don’t know. I just have this feeling… I know I deserve to feel better. But I don’t like feeling better. It feels like I’m forcing myself to feel better just so I can meet my parents expectations.

I try to tell myself… “I’m fine”. I seem fine from another person’s perspective, I think. More or less. Or maybe not… I don’t know. I feel wrong. I still have thoughts about… well. “What if I just tripped and fell down the stairs, “By accident”. Nobody would miss me, right?” “In 5 years? In 20 years? Will it be anything different than if I just, ACCIDENTALLY happen […]