General

I don’t know. Driving to a remote location by myself and just sitting there with only my own company and no one to worry about for a few hours sounds nice. Then just drift to sleep, alone and peaceful.

Imo the problem is not dying physically but dying inside, your soul must live or you feel empty

My friend wants me to stop cutting and get rid of the scars. My friend wants me to stop drinking. My friend wants me to stop smokin up. My friend wants me to go back to therapy. My friend wants me to try medications again. My friend wants me to be ok.

But I just don’t want to. Typically there’s something inside me that says “I want to…” but I just have zero interest in getting better.

I’ve gotten so numb to life that it feels like I’m in a dream state. I’m slowly detaching from reality and I can’t control it. Every day I stray further away from the world and people. I enjoy being alone. I don’t feel real any more and life is a never ending nightmare. So depressed that my mind is creating a facade. And I’m floating. That’s all I can do. The cuts don’t hurt. I have no energy. I feel nothing. All I want is for everything to end. I don’t want to pretend I’m normal. I don’t want to live. I don’t want to […]

I try to shush my mind

and find a Little peace

but my mind’s a riot,

fulL of words and phrases

liKe a bunch of IncompLete mazes.

i keep puLling My hair.

i can’t do anYthing about it.

i dread cloSing my eyes.

i keep hEaring everything.

i keep teLling my selF to brush it off.

i’m scared and crazy unprepared

for what tonigHt has in mind.

i’m alone in the darknEss.

i can’t Live like this.

Please.

the monsters are not under my bed.

the monsters are inside my head.

We are just souls

roaming around,

trying to fix ourselves

Picking the wrong ones,

until they call us

histories of disgrace,

but we’re never written,

and that’s okay.

We’re still breathing,

that’s okay,

until we’re not.

Eenie meenie miney mo. Catch a tiger by the toe.
Well, here is my web of awful truths and lies, out in the open, now try and escape.
Here is my choice:
1. Run away
2. You go away
3. Live with it until we are both crushed beyond repair.
Well, I don’t want to be crushed and I love you so stay please. I can go. That’s what I want anyways, someone to let me go. Well, I will. There’s shit to do first.
Why did I open up again? I must be insane to keep trying this: It’s the same result every time. […]

it would only be one message. whats the harm in a little conversation with an old “friend”. no one needs to know. besides i can always say bye whenever i want to…right?

my computer got a virus on it a while ago. i think it was him. i dont know who else it could have been. i know this because i got some weird messages and it caused a big to-do that i ended up straightening out. they were no reply. if it was him i often wish hed just message me so i could reply. that way i wouldnt have to. *scoff* after what this […]

I hate how suicide is always viewed/judged by people & society as a cowardice, stupid, and “taking an easy way out”. It seems to me that human beings (well, most of them inhabiting this planet) are either lacking empathy, or naive, ignorant, simple-minded, and just plain stupid, especially in their “optimism/positivity” bias.

Suicide is rarely or perhaps even never viewed as the simple fact & harsh truth/reality, that no, Life is NOT a gift. For some people, this life/world/society/existence/reality is a curse, full of (endless, unfixable) pain & sufferings.

Things are reopening here, though the infection rate still seems too high to control (especially after recent mass gatherings.) Restrictions are rapidly being eased, and I don’t know what level of caution is sensible to maintain. I’m terrified of my parents getting it – they’re both into their 60s, and my Dad has health issues.

I’m scared of infecting them, but I don’t know how rational that is. They’re my only social contact (sadly). The only other time I go out is to get groceries, and I’m reasonably careful – try to keep my distance, wear a face covering. If my parents do get it, it […]

when it comes back around i have to force myself to get up to take my kid to school. “another five minutes” but not because im tired and dont want to get up, but because my body is physically tired. i just want to lay there forever and not do a single thing. I have to force myself to eat little by little. no matter how hungry my tummy is telling me i am, i feel like throwing up at the thought of eating. today i was driving and jamming out to music when the tears, the uncontrollable tears ran down my face. why? i […]

Out of the night that covers me,
      Black as the pit from pole to pole,
I thank whatever gods may be
      For my unconquerable soul.

In the fell clutch of circumstance
      I have not winced nor cried aloud.
Under the bludgeonings of chance
      My head is bloody, but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
      Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
      Finds and shall find me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate,
      How charged with punishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate,
      I am the captain of my soul.

In 2017 my older brother died in a highway accident. He was my closest friend even if we didn’t talk a lot since he moved out. Our mom and dad were a lot older than the parents of other kids at school. Both of them kept working at their hospitals through everything that’s goin on even though they were both in that 50+ high risk group. Then this f*#king pandemic took them both in days of each other. So broke & alone. Couldn’t afford to stick around even if I wanted to. Don’t even got anyone to call.

maybe sadness looks best on me.

I’m starting to take my medicine more consistently now. I think before this it’s been a month or so that I’ve been off it. Right at this moment I feel oddly nervous. I have a thing I need to do for this project coming up but no real progress right now. I don’t really know what to do. Even besides that I just feel this odd sense of limbo. Like I’ve been stuck in place for too long and I haven’t done anything about it. My therapist told me to write a list so that I know […]

my husband and i have problems. yeah its a normal relationship thing to have in a relationship but…..i always end up shrugging it off. but….i just dont know. this time its different. i want to give him another chance and i understand why it happened….but…i cant let it keep happening. at what point does it go from a reason to an excuse? i feel so sick and confused.

and he makes me externally happy. my dreams and my hobbies. just everything….but internally…..i just dont know anymore.

Anybody know any forums that mainly revolve around freedom of expression besides this one? I have some ideas that I don’t feel would really fit here or on reddit. Nothing too overly political, and not infested with trolls.

Basically I finally realized at the age of 25 that my scumbag vice-principle called me into the office in 7th grade cause he thought I was a potential school shooter just because of some dumb comics I made where the characters fight each other with swords, guns, and magic. It took me this long to realize it… I didn’t even understand what was happening when I was a […]