General

I’m as tired as you are probably. I still think about her. It’s kind of tiring at this point. I still think about calling her and look if she’s on discord from time to time. Sometimes I wish she would just block my number or remove me as a friend on discord. At least that would get the message across. The fact that she hasn’t done that yet though gives me a little hope that maybe will talk again. I don’t know. Her birthday is in two months. Last year I got her present late, so […]

I don’t know what to write about anymore. There isn’t a bright route out of this. I don’t know how to ensure a good future when i can’t see any in front of me, i can’t imagine myself growing old, i’m running out of more time and options by the seconds yet i do nothing to stop it. I hate myself so fucking much, so much that i can’t even proper talk to someone anymore because hearing my own voice and me being the way i am is bad enough. i can’t stand this. it’s all my fault. I can;’t even write about anything practical. […]

You’re perfect. You’re sweet and kind and patient.
And I’m not right for you. I’m not good enough. I’m not perfect like you.

I have this feeling like I’m waiting for something. It’s been there so long that I can’t recall what it is. Will I know it when it happens, when it arrives? Or will it pass by like anything else? It’s a feeling that never connects with anything. It strives for itself, to justify its own presence. And it never goes away. Things could be looking up, I could feel a little hopeful, but it’s always there nagging me about nothing, for no reason. It’s in a dark corner counting the seconds as they pass by in a mechanical haze. It’s been over 35 years. That’s […]

Didn’t believed that escape would be happening alone. To Germany. A women visited me, she astonished me. I had been under self-medication to not leave her ablaze, to not cause Fear, Confusion or Communication Problems.

She left early. My thoughts right away been, that I need to be with her.

I  have requested the Adress. She, Isolated herself.

I am coming for her. I fear that her Dad is sending me away.

I want to Life, and she is worth that. I want to Love, but this feeling, this requirement is new to me.

But, I can kill myself too, if I can not see her again.

If she isn’t real […]

Think about it, my life means nothing,
absolutely nothing,
but there are many and many ppl who wanted to live a bit more, have more time in this shitty world
why can’t I trade my life for theirs? life could be theirs, and i would have my sweet sweet death, win-win, and the world could even forget my existence! how beautiful would it be, finally on death’s embrace while knowing that your miserable useless existence at least saved someone.

Sometimes i ask myself that, when did i become such a loser, when did I lost all will to live, when did I get these social problems? when did I get so ugly, so ridiculous, so egoistic? When I got so fucking wrong? So lost, so miserable, so fucking useless. When was the last time that I felt safe inside this piece of meat? Inside my own mind.
I JUST WANT TO CEASE EXISTING WHY IS IT SO DIFFICULT? why can’t I just kill myself? WHY?
no one would miss me, my family, my friends, none of them need me, and their lives wont change, […]

I saw your post with the warnings not to read.

I answered “Masturbation addiction?  I don’t find that disgustiong’

You’re very ashamed of it.  You even deleted it.  Pal, you’re beating yourself up over this.  It’s not that bad.  It’s not like you run sweatshops or start illegal wars based on lies killings millions of people.  You’re just a highly sexual person and you’re not hurting anybody.

Your biggest failing in all this is not tending to your business in a focused fashion.  That’s a pretty common failing.

im sorry. i hope i didnt bother you by commenting. i just thought youd like someone to talk to about it. someone that would listen and not judge you.

Drawn partly while listening on loop to The Funeral by Band of Horses

I thought about this today, but my reasons for being depressed and why I feel the way I feel have changed over time. I remember when I was in elementary school and I first really thought of the concept of death. I mean I understood what death was, but when I first actually thought about what that meant it terrified me. I scared me to think of all the things that made me happy weren’t permanent and can be gone with minimal effort. It doesn’t take a whole lot to die. You can get in a car accident, get sick, […]