General

100 units if humalog should have killed me. I don’t get it… But tonight, I’m taking the whole vial.

I’m saying this because I want it to be known and understood that I love God. I hate this world and all its evil. I hate men, and their cruelty towards women. I hate money and greed, and sin. But I love the idea of going on to be with my King.

See my previous post for my heartfelt “final words.” And if I happen to survive tonight, then I’ll (a) give up trying, and (b) post back here so people know. Not that I would […]

I have had many thoughts on killing myself and many tries. On the outside it seems as if i have to perfect life. Parents that love me, a sister who is there for me and a brother who fights for our country. No, the real inside thing is i have  divorced  parents who hate each other so much they don’t even talk to each other about whats wrong with me. A sister who thinks i cutt and think about suicide for attention.  A brother who left me to deal with my whole family by myself.  I have begged for help. Told them about my cutting. […]

…this is uncomfortable; writing this. 

What’s wrong with me…? What’s wrong inside of me that I hurt inside all the time..? Please do not answer those questions.. They’re rhetorical. I am very aware that no one has those answers for me, nor will they. I just want to share my story with you; a little bit. 

I think about ways in which I could die, all the time. When I’m on the freeway, driving 80mph, it always crosses my mind- I could just swerve; sharp left and it would be over..but someone could get hurt. Not me. Probably. I’m not that lucky. But someone…  Like most, I am a […]

You have no idea how many times I’ve contemplated suicide.

I mean the pills, the blade, the drugs and the alcohol were all ready, the suicide letters, some finished some uncompleted.

You have no idea how many times I’ve sat on my bed, blocking out everything, and concentrating on the blunt razor blade, you don’t know how many times I’ve carved the name on my everything into my wrists, my legs, my stomach, my whole body so they would know the reason for my death.

So they would know that the person was the one I toke my life for.

You are my killer mom; you have taken away […]

Ok, I just have to say that I don’t really have a problem of me being this way (all sad and depressed and stuff) but it hurts so damn bad that other people feel the same way. That really hit me. I saw this video of this boy who have much of the same pain as me, but it hurt damn much to know that there is so many people out there who feel some of the same way..

Whats going on… in school you have the bullies and the bullied… this is a story of one (click on “whats going on” to see for yourself)

I stumbled upon this website while googling how to commit suicide. Yeah, like google could somehow be the end all answer. Guess not because I got here and started reading all these posts…and now here I am, wishing I had the balls to just jump off the highway and fall to my death. It’s always in the back of my mind. ALWAYS. I despise myself for thinking this way. Hate myself for letting it get so bad. I’m supposed to be the strong one helping others in my spot. The f*ing psych major about to graduate isn’t supposed to be the one needing help…

And yet, […]

I don’t know what to do. I’m a little teenage girl, who has her whole life in front of her. A nice middleclass family, school and lots of friends, but I only want him. I know it sounds stupid and pathetic, it’s just teen love. There are so many prejudice for teen love. It’s nothing serious, teenagers don’t know anything.. But I know that it hurts. Awfully much. It hurts.

He doesn’t want me anymore.. I have no idea why, but he ruined my life. I didn’t see our relationship as other young teenagers – we were different
We had planned our future, our kids names […]

What will be yours?

For me, it’s going to be like that. I’m gonna watch the sky as I’m standing on the bridge and I’ll say: “Oh and by the way, if you really exist, go fuck yourself!”.

My parents wouldn’t care if I killed myself. I know they wouldn’t. They’ve put me down and abused me for so many years, why should they care? I want everybody to know the shit that they did to me. If they show up to my funeral and start to mourn me, I hope everybody there treats them like shit because it’s all their fault and they have no right to miss me when all they did was abuse me for years. I’m tired of being treated like all I’m good for is sex, chores, and looking pretty.
IT IS YOUR FAULT.
I wish I had […]

I’ve wasted my life. Every good thing that’s happened to me I somehow managed to destroy. Everything I touch turns into s**t. I have no friends, no one gives a shit about me. I’ve failed at life. I’m not even a functioning human being. I’ve lost my sex drive long ago and I don’t even care. I still can’t get a grip on my thoughts and my nightmare-ish anxiety. It’s never going to end. I just want to be at peace, I want my agony to end, but I don’t think I even have the guts to kill myself. I really want to though, I […]

i can’t run anymore. i’m so tired. maybe its just tike to let the darkness have me. there is no light. if there was, then it gave up on me a long time ago. maybe its time for me to do the same. there is nothing for me here in this life. i believe that Life is all their is. and then the nothingness that comes next. i’ve tried so hard to make my life a content one. but i always fail. fate intervenes. knocks me down.

i just have no desire to live anymore. and i just keep thinking of how much easier it would […]

My parents hate me because I want to die, just last night my mother told me to do it, she didn’t care. I had to bury my son, which has completely destroyed me, my wife then threw me out and blamed me for my sons death even though I wasn’t there at the time, hence why she blames me, she has stopped me seeing all of my other kids. I tried to hang myself and failed and my so called father laughed and told me I’m useless and can’t even get that right. I’m still in love with my wife, and always will be! My […]

Thank you for making me feel alive
thank you for listening and letting me in your life
thank you for staying by my side
even though it wasn’t me you loved
thank you for allowing me to see the real me
thank you for the absolute ecstasy night after night
unconditional I told you
years I gave you
what you left me is insanity
this pain is just too real
thank you for being honest
thank you for lying
I gave you all of me
Your dead and you still have all of me
I heard your sister tried to take her life
This is […]

In my psychology class I learned that in order for ýour body to maintain homeostasis, it will need to experience the opposite emotion to keep the balance inside your body. I can’t help but think how wrong that is. For so long I’ve struggled and been so..down. Where is my happiness? When is my body going to make me happy? Am I the one to blame?

This sucks. It really does suck, but actually I’m almost more comfortable here than I am when I’m happy. To be so truly happy is rare, and when it does happen its almost uncomfortable. I used to often think about […]

With a lengthy family history of depression and suicide, it wasn’t much of a surprise when the depression caught up to me.  The first wave was in junior high and high school, but the scared, younger version of myself kept me from reaching out for help.  Luckily, the world seemed to look brighter after a few years, but only later would I learn that almost 100% of depressed patients who do not seek help will relapse back into depression.

I have grown courageous enough to get help this time around, but something still isn’t right.  I am a pharmacy student with a “bright future” ahead, but […]

There is not a single person I like.

So today I felt a feeling that I haven’t felt in a long time: hope. Most people would say that’s a good thing. That hope will guard you against feelings of despair.

Unfortunately, in my experience, hope is a dangerous thing. Hope allows you to delude yourself into thinking that life has meaning, purpose, and value. Hope promises that things will get better.

In my experience, feelings of hope keep me alive long enough to believe that life is worth living.

Then the hope fades.

A few weeks or months pass. I feel better. Then WHAM, out of the blue, the feelings of hopelessness that lead to suicidal despair […]