General

Something’s died in me. I feel the end is near. And It’s not too bad that I’m broken but that I’ve nowhere to go. Ever read The Catcher in the Rye? Just like Holden Caulfield, I feel like I am inevitably heading towards some terrible fall. I don’t know where it comes from. I can be all day a normal human being and then it drowns me (not everyday but quite often).  What’s worse is that nobody knows. How can I explain to them that out of nowhere here comes this terrible sorrow. It’s almost like it loves me. For some reason I really wish to be […]

So why am i depress? Why do i act like this? I hate life. I fucking hate it. I know i didnt expericen a lot about it but i have enough of it. The people i have see everyday. The bullying that always seem to come around. The stress so much stress. Frustration to the problem i have. What could be possibly better than that. One dead best friend. Invisble to others. The concent question” are you okay?” If i already said im fine why do you need to ask more questions. You dont have to deal or put up with me. I never ask […]

I was hoping so bad, so so bad, that a new girl would show up at school.  I wanted one to show up so bad, so I wouldn’t be lonely any more.  But it didn’t happen.  It Didn’t Happen.

I decided to do a PhD. My result is due in 3 days. I ahve already viva’d and been given major corrections, so this is the final chance for me. The entire process is not like people imagine – you don’t sit in a sunny drawing room with a brandy snifter philosophising about ‘stuff’ and then just get given a doctorate – you work so hard that sometimes it goes on all night. You hate yourself for being too stupid, for not grasping the points, for screwing up again and again. I look in the mirror and I tell myself I am stupid, because I […]

My boyfriend’s ex died yesterday, she was riding a bike and got run over by a drunk driver, she was taken to hospital, and was on a ventalator for 4 hours, but she didn’t make it. She was 19.

I see him hurt, i see him so devastated and ruined. All i want is to take his pain and suffering away, i wish it had happened to me, because i know how to deal with death. When my mother died, so did a part of me. When my sister died, so did another part of me. I never wished that pain on anyone, and now it’s happened.

Im […]

The economy wins . . I can’t find a job and oh how I’ve tried. I keep the reject letters in a shoebox and looking at them every day reminds me of what a loser I am. My teeth are in really bad shape and it’s so dehumanizing at the end of a job interview when I forget not to smile too big the interview notices and pulls their hand away and gasps. I looked into the local dental school and I can’t even afford that. My friends have noticed my withdrawn behavior and bailed on me, so I guess they’re not really friends. […]

Some say that chemtrails could be a reason for depression and behavioural issues, some even say that they are responsible for cancer. Apparently the celebrity Prince often talks about this. I was only told about this today.

Cheapest online Lorazepam
Next day delivery Klonopin

I know I’ve not been normal my whole life.
It’s horrible feeling so empty.
I don’t know why I feel this way but I really dislike myself. I end up in a negative cycle, not caring about myself and therefore hurting others through my actions and behaviour.
I’m selfish.
I can’t remember the last time I felt happy, nothing seems to make me happy.
I just don’t have the energy any more there seems to be no point.
I recently hurt 2 men after being in (unhealthy) relationships. I hurt the ones that love me the most including my family.
My family talk about me […]

Today I feel like choking out. Do you know why? I started remembering intense feelings for my cousin Yasmine and I need to choke to suppress the thoughts. Maybe I’m looking for love, but it doesn’t help that I’m lonesome, close to insane (or so I think I am), and crazy for my cousin (blood of course it wouldn’t be weird with step cousins)… I am Facebook stalking her, staring at pictures and saving the pics onto my iPhone. At least I’m not thinking sexually or anything anymore… Fuck I hate myself so much. Should just die. Hope choking out will kill me or something. […]

i used to know everything.

then i grew up…

and now, i know nothing.

i used to succeed

then they told me i couldnt…

and now, Im a failure.

i used to feel loved

then i left…

and now, Im a lone

take me back. take me all the way back and let me do it over…

Does anyone else feel like all this shit just isn’t worth it? We are born and then we die and all that shit in between is pointless. People have been pushing me to do better and I still don’t see the point of trying. After my mother died in May I was so sure of myself and so confident and I wanted to do something with my life but now I just don’t know anymore. I am slipping back into the same old hole I was in previously. Drowning myself in my self hatred and depression. They tell me I should want to live on my […]

What you do to me..
(Directed at the human race)

It’s nothing good, if that’s what you think
All you do is hurt me and I can’t take any more.  I’m numb to your actions.
I’m already trying to lose weight to look good for you.
I’m already cutting my skin to feel some sort of emotion.
It’s hard to stare you in the eyes.  It’s hard to ask for your help.
I can’t reach up to you.. I can’t let you hoist me up.  I can’t be that pathetic, can I?
I’m trying to fit in with you.  I’m trying to find reasons to smile […]

I’m still suicidal.
things feel worse, but they could be the same, who knows.

I’ve attempted suicide twice in the past two weeks post failed.

I have my way I’m gonna do it, if I do.

I started going to therapy, and upping dosage on my medicine.

it’s helped, but there some feelings I can’t shake off.

my eating disorder is eating me alive. -What eating disorder?

I can’t stop cutting-I’m recovering from cutting.

I’m fat ugly and stupid-I’m trying to learn to like myself.

I might lurk here every so often, but I don’t know how much I’m gonna be on here. Maybe if I like it I’ll come back. If I’m serious […]

I used to come here. Everyday. All day. I think I’m better than before. The depression still lingers in my head. But oh well. I figured it out. I don’t wanna die so much as I just wanna be saved and forget this awful place. My scars still remain. I mean they’ll always be there. But that just means I’ll have a story. I plan on getting them covered with tattoos. Instead of pain for depression I’ll have pain for art. I don’t know why I came back here. I guess it’s cause I’m feeling so lonely tonight. So bad that I just wanna pick […]