General

my depression turned to anxiety

where i couldnt breath

couldnt sleep

one minute alrite next

im jumping around like im superwomen

I really wanted to stay totally silent, but I wanted so much to clear up a few things but I’m too much of a coward to ever tell the people who’d like to know. Cowardice has been the greatest stumbling block for me. I was afraid of being a normal human being. I was afraid of others realizing I had messed up. That’s why I pushed away my family and friends. When you want to be perfect, your avenues close quickly once you get out in the real world.

Still, that wasn’t really what pushed me over the […]

I feel so lost but I have no reason. I have been blessed with a family that loves me and friends that’s care but yet I feel like everything is all an act. Its easier to pretend to be happy then to let people know the truth…I cut myself but the real pain is inside…my friend saw my cuts and just told me I was stupid..made me feel worse he just doesn’t understand…my bff sees it as a joke bc I don’t think she’s knows how to take it…I take my depression out on my family & friends…just makes things worse I feel like if […]

It’s a little after midnight and I’m literally going to fall asleep in this chair.  I’m so tired….I have cried so much in the last few hours and mostly I have no idea why.

Trying to decide if I’m on here because I have no one else to talk to or just because I’m too damn old to be writing my feeling in a tiny journal for someone to come across and read.  A journal is too personal. This seems a lot like how I feel cold, distant, something you can put words into without having much meaning and the people who read this are like […]

If you were to ask me when was I ever truly happy, I genuienly don’t think I could give you an answer at least not an honest one. Sure, I’m not going to lie I’ve been more fortunate than others. I’ve been lucky enough to travel and have a good family but it just never seems enough, does it? For as long as I can remember, I’ve felt like there’s something missing, that there’s something really wrong here. It goes beyond the feeling of helplessness and loneliness, the revulsion I feel when I look in the mirrow, it’s something else that […]

My life is falling apart.

It was fine.  I mean, it was awful, but my grades were good… things were working.  But then my dad had to screw everything up… I had to screw everything up.

I can’t take the arguments… the overwhelming stress.  I’m a 17 year old girl.  It’s my senior year in high school, and I feel like everyone has abandoned me.  My friends have already applied to colleges, and I couldn’t finish my damn application essay.  I can’t focus anymore.  My unweighted GPA was 3.6 or so after junior year… sounds great right?  But my grades dropped.  I failed multiple classes.  It probably […]

I’ve kind of just ditched God I guess.
I mean I know he’s real in everything,
but I’m just too selfish to care.
My parents forced me to go to church today.
I purposely did not listen to the message really.
When I wanted to sing, I told myself not too.
It’s sad I guess, I really just don’t want anything to do with God.
I guess I’m angry because when I needed him most he didn’t do anything.
It’s just I want to live my life. I want to smoke. I want to drink. I want to do whatever I want. and if this […]

I’m thirteen. It seems so sick that I’ve already been through all this, that I already know all this, that I’m already feeling like this. Everyday, feels like a walk through hell. I just can’t stand it. I can’t tell anyone anything anymore and my life has turned into a chain of lies and and millions of secrets. Nobody knows everything. Nobody ever will. I wish someone could know, I just can’t do it. I can’t risk that all. I have DID. I pretend to be someone I’m not over the internet. I hate the way I look, I hate the way I act. But […]

I’m thankful there’s a place I can say something before I go, since notes left behind void life insurance benefits.

I am a certified Master Scuba Diver and am about to take my last dive tonight. I found a place in a lake that has 80-lb chunks of limestone at 90ft where I can roll a couple and wedge my arm so it appears I got stuck, and then just wait for my air to run out.

I’m 43, and have lost a lot in life recently, job, wife, mostly due to my bipolar as best I can figure. The suffering has been more than I can […]

Can’t believe the weekend’s almost over, definitely not ready to go back to work tomorrow. However cant seem to stay focused on anything at home, my husband controls the remote and I can’t seem to get into a book. Nothing is interesting anymore, I’m just …
restless.

We’re married. Till death do us part. Death is the only way out. I never wanted this. The marriage was arranged when I was born. I didn’t know her until now. She hurts me. She doesn’t care about me. She wants me dead. When we sleep she whispers terrifying thoughts into my head. When I wake she repeats them over again. Hoping that it’ll ruin my day from the start. When we’re out in public people think I’m crazy when I talk to her, but I’m not. She’s everywhere I am. Stuck to me like a bad cloud. She talks so soft and yells so […]

Okay fuck life im done i cant stand this anymore. I kept telling my self he cared, well obviously he doesnt if it has to get physical. Im just on here to say good bye. Im done i cant do this any more, i tried cutting that didnt work i just bled with no pain. Im so done with life that seemd to be the only thing that can hurt me. Well obviously life isnt important if it hurts so much.  It all ways has to change either its life thats hurting you or its love.  Well fuck life cause obviously  you have to have […]

I feel like no one cares. Im shaking. gosh i can barely type this. Everyone knows how i feel. The depression, The mental hospital. But no one ever checks on me, ask me how i am or just anything. I feel like im just a part of everyones imagination. I want to cut so bad..I dont know i just dont even know what to do. I want to just go back to a mental hospital to just get away from this world. What else can i do. Im just a waste of space here. I make everyone else happy but no one bothers to make […]

For the past 6 years since I was 16, I’ve been depressed. Throughout high school, you wouldn’t think I was though. I looked happy. I should have been an actress. Little did people know that I was hospitalized for trying to kill myself at 16. I use to be one of the popular pretty girls in school and after high school, my depression got really severe. I’ve been thinking about killing myself for the past 3 years but it hasn’t got this bad til the past year or two. Everyday the thoughts get stronger. My feelings seem to amplify. I don’t see why I’m still […]

Suicide has been on my mind lately. It’s acting as this sort of cloud, following me around, waiting for the room to grow quiet, so it can grow stronger. I’ve forgotten what it’s like to feel ok. Perhaps what it means to live has escaped me. I do everything on autopilot. The stark white walls of my tiny apartment only reflect back the pale enthusiasm that I’m trying so desperately to hold on to. I constantly find myself wondering why we bother here on earth. We are all going to die anyway. In the end, all the judging and scorning, all the laughing, all the […]

The author of this book is Stephen Westwood. It is called ‘Suicide Junkie’ and is his story.

For those of you who do not know who Stephen Westwood is… he wrote a book on Body Dysmorpic Disorder (BDD) which he has suffered from since a young child.

If you dont read another book or only ever read one, this is the one to read. He tells you of his life, right from the first time he can remember trying to commit suicide up to the present day. I could relate to allot of what he said and reading the posts on here so would many of you. […]