General

Alright. I’ve tried researching this for years now, looking this exact phrase up time and time again since I was in highschool. But I could never find anything. I think that automatically means I’m insane. So be it. I guess that’s something else I’ll as to my list of problems.

I want to preface this by saying, I’m sorry to anyone who is or was abused. I don’t want to make you feel worse about your situation. I know even with this premeditated apology, someone will be thinking “who the fuck does this person think she is.” And You have every right to say that. Because […]

Hello, I’m searching for a Rivets. And if found,demand to know how are thee Rivets. Thanks

(For whoever finds them shall be rewarded with this pretty rock I found. And don’t worry, I already asked if rock was Rivets. Rock not Rivets :/ )

I keep questioning it. Life. You know that thing we are somehow supposed to be grateful for and think that we are supposed to feel that it is worth living. My friends don’s see the signs anymore and part of me likes it that way. They do not know how depressed I am or how painful life is. Most of my friends aren’e even there anymore so its not like they are paying attention anyway. Life just feels like its ripping me in two. It feels like everything is ripping at my soul and mind. It feels like now that my friends are gone I […]

AFI
Miss Murder https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YU4hhNKsPog
I Hope You Suffer https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DSNyOYT3dJ8

Grandson
Overdose https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QSWf8KggnII

Halestorm
You Call Me a ***** Like It’s a Bad Thing https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=O3rjBs_mIC8&list=PLS00bSWViOzh5INy9EC8wg-iw2u0u2aIu&index=19
I Miss The Misery https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpJAmlnBxoA&list=PLS00bSWViOzh5INy9EC8wg-iw2u0u2aIu

Korn
Coming Undone https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CSJXle3LP_Q

Misso
Everybody Gets High https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AHukwv_VX9A

The Pierces
Secret https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HzNFwxsSPwU

Thats just a short list.

Everyday, I wake up feeling low and unmotivated. Even a good night’s sleep can do nothing to ease my fatigue. I feel like we, humans, have made our own life miserable by constantly doing things like smoking, drinking booze, overwork, materialism, hedonism, individualism, and doing politics. I AM DISAPPOINTED. Nothing can make my life become a colorful and happy one. I’ve had enough and nothing can change my view of life. I think life is worthless and pointless to be lived. I HATE EVERYTHING, INCLUDING MYSELF. If there is a time machine, I will use it to kill my parents, so I don’t have to […]

Friday night, I felt depressed, lost, like I don’t know who I am anymore, like I wanted to die, and I didn’t wan to wake up and see another day. Saturday morning, I felt like I wanted to die. Wasn’t ready for work, didn’t wanna go to work. Then at work I was fine, I don’t know if it was because I pushed all my feelings to the back of my mind or my mood swings I always get because of borderline personality disorder. Saturday night, i felt like shit again, like I was lost in some dark, very dark forest. Sunday morning, I again […]

After a few months – as I appear as somebody who is recovering,  I still find myself lost into darkness. Recovery seems like learning to put up a face and live a life that the world accepts. I should probably admit that I’ve kept away from a lot of mess by being what I’m supposed to. But ….. Trust me, I found myself back there in insanity.
I’m torn between what the world has asked me to be and what I truly am.
I don’t know what else to write or why the hell I am putting this at all.

i want what i know i cant have. i want to spend my nights partying. going out and getting drunk. doing all kinds of drugs. and then go home during the day. cooking and cleaning for a loving family. but i know i have to choose one or the other.

All I want is to fly.

Wouldn’t it be nice? Just to be able to fly away?

Escaping all the problems of life and finally be free.

Maybe like a dragon, dragons are awesome.

I want to be just like a dragon, do you know why?

‘Cause they do not exist.

One day I was almost able to fly, I decided to send a message with a goodbye, the goodbye should have been almost invisible.

But it wasn’t, the person I sent the message to, was able to read the invisible message, and told me that I cannot fly, because if I flied away, then they couldn’t live anymore, they needed me.

So I decided to wait, I don’t […]

It is as though I have already lived life and am experiencing it in a retroactive daydream… the actors are dull and uninteresting, the unravelling plot equally meaningless and predictable… there is no weight to any information or consequence to action as I have already observed their respective outcomes… this life is a painfully repeated rerun and so I have no interest nor attachment to it… I cannot incite the slightest care in me, I am thoroughly apathetic… nothing matters nor means anything and I am so numb… drifting endlessly through a life I have already lived, subjected indefinitely to hellish, unbearable consciousness… everything is […]

i can’t let anyone go.

everyday i woke up with the inner voice telling me: do it, this is the day.

i try to keep that urge at the bottom of everything but it doesn’t work. is it my fault? yes. asking for help and some medicine would make it stop, at least that’s what i believe how those pill works.

i’m overanalyzing everything, every word, every expression on people’s faces and i can’t help it. the messages i see kept telling me they hate me, especially when i lift the mask off.

i’m tired, i’m tired and scared, all i want is this to end in any possible […]

Where have I been ? It’s been a while been  .. lost .. confused .. depressed.. overwhelmed.. I’m just not okay ..

haven’t been on this website for a quite sometime I’ve  been writing my thoughts my feelings on a notebook.. on a few pieces of paper where someone will eventually read .. when I’m gone .. and then you’ll all know how much I was suffering inside living in this sad miserable life .. I’m not better .. & I keep repeating myself that over & over wishing for things to just end .. most of us hate ourselves our lives we don’t want this […]

Fear. Sadness. Numb. Disconnected. Alone. Lost. Empty. These are the feeling I go through on a daily bases. Feeling physically/emotionally disconnected from the world makes me feel lost and alone. My hallucinations, paranoia, and impostor disorder keeps me in constant fear. I always feel like I’m being followed. I occasionally wonder if my loved ones are really themselves. My hallucinations attack me. Sometimes almost bringing me to tears. I relive my memories everyday. My mother hitting me. I remember hiding all the wooden spoons. I remember her bloody hand. I remember running through the wood while she was on the phone with the cops about […]

I was happy all week, my ex best friend and i are working on things and talking more and may hang out halloween night.

Then today. i dont know i just feel like im falling again. further down. like my mind is tricking me into thinking im doing better, but one day im not and sad and wanting to die again..

I feel like I’ve lived out my time of life. I find the world around me increasingly unfamiliar. It’s only natural, I suppose. The law of life – the old making way for the new. And I’m fine with that. But it’s happening all too suddenly for me. Too fast to grasp my new place among things. It’s like change accelerated manifold.

But it’s a universal phenomenon. Look at evolution; took us millions of years to get here and now they’re talking of bionic man coming this very century. Take climate change; for ages temperatures varied just a few degrees and now we’re looking at being […]

     🙂

I think I’m falling apart. No matter how hard I try to hold it together, I can feel it slipping. Little by little. I go through these stages when this sort of thing happens. Frustration. Bouts of energy to try and make things right. Sadness. Emptiness. Disinterest. A feeling of being lost. Like I’m a husk walking. I start pacing everywhere. I can’t seem to sit still. Nothing really holds my attention. Focusing on one thing is difficult. Things I use to enjoy start to seem unappealing. I’ve been thinking about a lot of […]