General

im better off alone. im better off dropping my friend and leaving my husband.

no. im not better off. they are. they just cant see it for some reason. if i cant make them leave i guess its up to me to walk away.

after we move. i cant leave him alone in the middle of this. i will wait until he gets settled first.

i hope you two understand that its for your own good. if/when i do leave…..
please dont come find me.

Feeling so much hate right now… I prommised myself i wont have another rage attack, but i just got one!! I can’t control myself and my anger is constantly manipulating me. I feel hate for everyone. Nobody cares about me. I dont give a shit when someone tells me im important or that they care about me, because i know thats not the truth and that everyone who says me that is a hypocrite! I feel hate for literally EVERYONE. Im just so filled up with madness that i fucking want to end up my miserable and hatefull life. I have NO ONE in this […]

We little knew the day that God
was going to call your name.
In life we loved you dearly,
in death we do the same.

It broke our hearts to lose you.
You did not go alone,
For part of us went with you
The day God called you home.

You left us peaceful memories.
Your love is still our guide,
And though we cannot see you
You are always at our side.

Our family chain is broken
and nothing seems the same,
but as God calls us one by one
the chain will link again.

Does anyone else also feel the same?

Movies, comic books, video games, novels, anime manga is much better than this boring reality / real-world / real-life.
Human’s Imagination, fantasy, & dreams is much better, more interesting & exciting, than this everyday boring Life.

I wish I could live inside movies, video games, comic books, novels, anime manga.
I don’t know if anyone here can relate with me or not.

Since apparently I can’t die lol just kidding, I’ve had 4 attempts and survived them all so it’s just an inside joke I have with myself, kind of like Kaido in the show One Piece, but anyway I want to live.

Is there a way to not feel this turmoil? To not feel like your lungs are collapsing with every inch of nervousness flowing through my body. To not get triggered by very little things that seem like nothing. To not have racing haunting thoughts constantly flowing through my head. To not hate every inch of myself. To not be able to have a day where I don’t want to end it all. To not see a future ahead of me. To not believe everyone is out to get to. To not believe that I’m out to get me. To not feel like I’m quickly losing […]

It’s been awhile since I was here, both literally and metaphorically. I’ve been so busy, which is a lie in a way, I had time to tend to things, it just wasn’t managed very well.

Now though, I am alone for awhile. My therapist quit, not on me but the organization that I was getting therapy through. The irony here is that I hired him 7 months ago to attempt to build a longer term therapy relationship with someone…. 7 months isn’t long term, I’ve had many therapy relationships last longer than that.

I’m still missing my best friend, or should I say former? I have no […]

depressive episodes right now, life is stupid really Im not having it today. F*** everything I’m having a combo of sad and angry idk why, i was fine yesterday but today my mood changes and yeah maybe I am mad at myself. I can’t live a normal life and I have to hear people who don’t know anything about me saying “im scared of you, your mood always change” “you don’t smile” “talk to me” “what’s wrong” I can’t be answering to them “oh i have bipolar disorder, does that help?” they will surely either give me a look or talk to me like they […]

They are getting worse. Before they were just little black dots running by. Easily passed off as nothing but now…i can’t do it anymore. They look like they are going to kill me. Slowly. Bloody. No mercy. They run after me. They get in my face. No matter how many times I say it’s not real they won’t go away. I refuse to be alone at night now. That’s when they bother me the most. I hate my job. Why do I have to work nights. They stare at me with this grin. This toothy “supper” looking grin. I hate them.

Hi everyone. I just wanted to say that im really thankfull for all the messages and coments. I really apreciate them and i take the time to read every single one of them, and all the advice and personal stuff you tell me, i really take them into account.Maybe im not answering and im really sorry about that and the idea of you thinking im an asshole because of that it makes me sick! I just dont have the time to answer every comment but they are REALLY helpfull and im also gratefull. I even know some of you bc i remember ur usernames.

Im so […]

To be erased from existence, as if I were never here. What the fuck is my purpose? Why the fuck am I here? Why must I feel what I feel? Why must I be human?

I’m honestly concerned with how much I sleep. It’s usually 8-12 hours or so a night and i don’t really understand why I’m so tired. Maybe it has to do with being vegetarian but I’ve been one for 3 months now. And it’s not like i dont have motivation to stay up, because there’s lots I want to be awake for xc

I seem to always say the wrong thing. I never mean to. People must think im a horrible friend 🙁

I wrote my letters. Maybe a few more to go. Then I have to put them in a safe place. I started self harming and at this point I thought maybe thats what I needed. I felt good for a second then my pain was all still there. In that moment I let myself go. Im at peace if I decide to kill myself. Ive been holding onto this pain for too long I don’t want this life. The only thing holding me back is my promise to myself. That I wouldn’t kill myself until I tried leaving this life of mine and moving away […]

It’s truly pathetic how much of my life I spend longing after ‘what could’ve been’. Such a seemingly simple, basic thing becomes a source of endless misery and regret, when in theory it could’ve been so easy.

But now it’s too late. And I get to enjoy endless reminders of that fact. ”Hey look, it’s that thing that feels most vital and important in the world to you. Except now you’re past it. Too bad!”

Such a fundamental, elemental thing, and it still all comes down to right place, right time. You miss the boat, then that’s it. You get to live with your constant longing and […]

I’ve lied to my bestie regarding therapist. And I intend to do so with the rest of my close friends. I’m sorry I had no other way. I feel terribly guilty about it. I know they haven’t asked for it. I’m not forced to heal quickly or MOVE with Life. Every time I meet each of them or talk with them, I can sense how eagerly they wait to get a ray of hope for me to walk down the normal path. It’s been more than 11 years – I’ve only been more and more hurtful and self-destructive. All of them, especially are doing so […]

I’m baking a cake decorating with the flag, strawberries and blue berries with cream cheese frosting, where I live people really don’t have family’s next to them neither do I, So I’m doing a BBQ mainly Burgers, other are chipping in making other stuff, it’s something to do, I was recruited by the Neighbor she usually does it all but she is getting older and needs help. I’ll help her with her tradition, she is a wonderful person!!! She is North Korean escaped many years ago, tells stories that are heartbreaking, she loves this country.