General

Today was the day I’d set myself, that I’d get back to work. I applied for a second Child Welfare job, keeping with my commitment to do one at a time, and focus on that. The stakes are a little higher, this time instead of 40-50 minutes away the office is 17-25 minutes away, less than half. Heck, even though this isn’t in my county, it’s closer to me than my county’s offices.

It’s MLK day, so I wouldn’t hear back today anyway. The sucky part is that my books are sitting at the local post office, and I can’t get them until tomorrow.

I was never […]

Is this the reason for apathy these days?
Tragedy overload…

https://www.youtube.com/shorts/a3MJG3wuO_M
~1min

Wow, and here I thought it was just a game I used to play at meetups. It’s crazy what this game demonstrates.

~1min

Let me ask a question to all of you: Are you tired of the board game called life? Are you running on empty after being emotionally, mentally and physically-drained by this one-player game set at the highest difficulty with no save points? I wish I could quit because playing “humanity: the game” stopped being fun over ten levels ago and there is no way I see myself getting to level 100, let alone 50…

Sorry for the gaming reference, some of my favorite gaming youtubers retired this month and it’s causing my depression to weigh like a ton. Game Theory won’t be the same without MatPat…

My existence is utterly meaningless.
I don’t believe existence, itself, is meaningless. I don’t think I’m *that* much of a nihilist. Other people mean something to other people. I witness it, and it’s beautiful. I watch from afar as people are celebrated for being themselves surrounded by people they love and who love them. There’s beauty in this world. Other things mean things to other things. The natural world is beautiful. I am only a witness.
I am a void that can move, consume oxygen and resources and shit and piss.
I have no value as a person. I hate talking. I hate […]

Completely agree with the guy speaking @4:00.
Especially at the @4:25 mark when he starts talking about “why bother.”

What you do think?
There’s many Gen Z’ers on SP. I myself am a old millennial. And we got screwed bad as well. Graduated right into a recession, pay for almost all jobs cut across the board by a whopping 15-25% on average, then had another recession, and pay was cut yet again and workload doubled yet again. 1 person now does the job of 3 ppl, with no benefits, no job security, and yet we’re supposed to work like a dog and be […]

Yes death come and take us
What are you waiting for
All this pain and suffering
We can’t take no more
Keep on waiting, tell me what for
We all see it’s going nowhere
Just repeating this shit
It’s like banging my head on the floor
No one comes to save us
So let’s end this horror
Not even death comes to rescue
So I think to myself
There must be a point still
To find in this mayhem
Clearly there have been lessons
That were to be learned
But how much does this stuff keep going
Is this worth something more
All I can […]

If I don’t quit drinking, I’m gonna die. I’m only 27 years old and I can already feel this poison destroying my insides. I drink everyday to suppress my emotions. But even if it wasn’t the emotions I was running away from, at this point I get what’s called Delirium Tremens. This condition occurs when you’ve been drinking as heavily as I have and then decide to stop drinking cold turkey. I’ve tried quitting like this a handful of times. Every time I did I’d start shaking like crazy and sweating excessively. But that’s not even the worse part about coming off alcohol. Like I […]

i wonder what it’s like to be happy and loved…and taken care of and not always worry about things like starving or going hungry, or always being cold bc we had no heat, or not having money to buy necessary things like shoes that don’t have holes in them.

i wonder what it’s like to actually be loved and accepted as a human being, as i’ve never had that as a child. to be loved and accepted with no conditions, like just being born and loved. that is what MOST kids had, but i didn’t get jack shit. no love, no acceptance, only […]

I just don’t have any hope left.
I don’t believe in the pot of gold behind the rainbow.
There is no rainbow in my life.

It’s been DECADES of hell.
If I were young and healthy, like many of the youngin’s on this site, (17-25 yo), it may be a different story. But when half your life is already over, and most of it has been hell on Earth, I can’t believe the bullshit ppl say when they say “you had a lot of bad things happen which means you are BOUND to have good things happen soon.” That is the biggest crock of […]

So… for a few years now, I’ve been quietly dreading the death of the family dog. She’s nearly 16 now, very old for a retriever. She’s actually my parents’ dog, but they got her while I was still living with them, and I raised her for the first few months, and spent a lot of time caring for her/playing with her over the years. For a while I was her substitute “parent” – she used to fall asleep on me when she was a puppy. As sad as it is to say, it’s probably the closest I’ll get to an actual parental/caring role in my […]

I’m in my early 30s yet my view of my future hasn’t changed since I was in Elementary school. The future I desire is death and it always has been. I never imagined living into my 30s and I definitely don’t want to live in my 70s. Perhaps I would be happier as a cyborg where I don’t have to deal with the reality that this body will weaken into an immovable husk one day. Wait, just a brain would be even better.

Anyway, I never wanted any of the things “normal people” view as making life worth living. I don’t want a career since I […]

I had to go to ER and my infection was so bad they admitted me in-patient to the hospital for 5d. Well all my horrible health issues aside, which are super bad, that aside….I get slapped with a $1632 deductible, just for coming into the ER. How lovely. This is how “great” America is. -_-

bc other people lack self awareness.

and advocate for it or make it more accessible. as well as the other life improving stuff, too. that’s going to be my mission. i screwed up my life out of fear and committed social suicide. this isn’t heroic. that’s what people think but it’s not that at all. i’m killing myself because i can’t stand the mistakes i made. and how they affect me. not how they affect others. people keep interpreting it that way. they only think my life is deserving if i’m of use to others. i probably projected that onto myself. oh well. 

i’ve given up on talking to chatrooms. or the […]

When I woke up this morning I had an email, and it said that the Social Work job wasn’t taking me. It’s a form letter, which I’m not sure if makes it any better.

So….. yeah. I was hoping I’d be less dissappointed, but I don’t run the show there obviously. There are other counties with the same job, so it’s not even the end of the road on that job. I have decided I was overly honest, people don’t want truth, they want what they expect to hear.

I won’t be right back at it again until next week, at the earliest. I want to get […]

overthinking every little thing. feeling bad others aren’t doing well. disdain for how i spend my time. nobody i can relate to. 

A week ago I was up at my parents, conversing with the neighbour. A strange character in my opinion unlikeable shuffling up the road forced his way into the conversation. Perhaps the neighbour knew him, I didn’t nor did I want to. As I suspected the neighbour didn’t like him either and remarked to me that this interruptor who must have been at least 60 fancied himself as a hardman. Yesterday I was up at my parents again and noticed whilst driving into the estate a house which looked like it had been fire damaged. I got talking to the neighbour and got the full […]