I have tried for what feels like an extremely long time to keep my delusions from consuming me. I remove one way to cope, I remove another way to cope, I remove another way to cope, I remove yet another way to cope, and then I’m back at the beginning. My bad habits hungrily chasing after me. My delusions of paranoia, superiority, the feeling that I NEED to be isolated, I try so fucking hard not to give in to them. But then, when I don’t… Am I really me? I woke up with sleep paralysis today, I guess. There was a person standing just […]
i might be called selfish or vain for what i’m going to say but quite frankly i don’t give a shit because i know neither of those things are true. i hate my body. not because i’m ugly but because i’m “conventionally attractive” or some shit. contrary to what it sounds like, my head isn’t up my own ass and I’m basing this off of what i’ve been told about how i look (for most of my conscious life). i’m really tiny, i have an hourglass body shape, i’m “fit”, my skin is clear, and i have good facial features (god it’s so hard to […]
I told her every day how hard it was for me to trust her. Every single day. I trusted her so little. Not because I didn’t want to trust her, but because I’m fucking paranoid. I told her everyday how hard it was. Every day. Every day until she. Every day until. Every. She left me. It’s been 6 days now. Almost a whole week. It hurts so much, and I want to cry, but… I can’t cry. I just can’t. I can’t I can’t I can’t I ca n t… I don’t have any words to say. I loved her so much. More than […]
I don’t know how to start this really. I’m not sure if I’m even in the right place. I read some posts before making this one and well. It made me feel like my feelings were not really valid. I don’t know. I guess I just want to write down why I want to kill myself just for me and not really for anyone else, just to release it I guess. I don’t really trust the people I know irl, and I don’t trust my therapist either, I just tell them that I’m always tired and I can never concentrate on anything. Recently I’ve been […]
seldom do i ever have a moment where i am free from the pain, free from the trauma that plagues me relentlessly
seldom do i ever have a moment
where i don’t hear your fucking voice, ******. where i don’t feel empty. when i escaped from you, i forgot to bring my identity with me. i have no idea who i am. you managed to steal me away from myself before i had the chance to run.
you conditioned me to believe that you are the only one who could ever understand someone like me.
who could ever love someone like me.
you conditioned me into forfeiting my right to make […]
i continue to find myself in the same spot, trying to fight the impulse. the impulse to cut, to hit, to burn, to bruise- to destroy this vessel. this vessel that reminds me that i am nothing, that i will never amount to anything. i am useless. i am never the first choice. i am pitied. i am a puppet. i am alive so that my suffering may entertain those who induce it. i am worthless. i will never be worth anybody’s love. i will never be enough. i am nothing and i will always be nothing.
i am defined by my pain and i have […]
Time is a heartless master in an entropy driven world. For those who are suffering, it drags and drags on, while for those living in pleasure, the clock can’t ever seem to slow down.
I wish people could fathom the pain I have endure everyday. The pain I have endured for well over a decade now, since I was only 10 years old and became fully aware of how cruel the world around me was. I was always told time heals all […]
My partner is aware that I cut and drink poppy milk and take other ppl’s meds and eat “bad” things (rancid meat, small objects, live bugs, little chunks of my thighs, etc). And when they find out they always shrug it off and either act like it’s normal or pointedly ignore it. They let me take care of them and fuss over their health and they’ll grumble about it sure but they never point out the blatant hypocrisy. They talk about my eating habits to their internet friends like it’s a funny party trick and sometimes I’m fine with that because at least they’re not […]
Anorexics don’t ask for help. Narcos don’t really want to put down the drugs.
I know because I’ve been there.
I got a therapist for the first time and I barely told them anything, I thought that day was going to be a good one but after I came home and told them about it the day just fell on itself and I regretted everything.
I just want him back, he doesn’t. I want to stroke my hand down the plush clothing on his back. I want to die.
But I can’t, as soon as I put the poison in again the smell fills my […]
I’m so not okay, I can’t feel anymore. This darkness inside of me is growing so rapidly that I can’t even control it anymore. I have nothing, nothing at all. Only the pain in my heart. Nobody even sees me anymore, I’ve become someone I don’t even know, I’m so fucking lost. I’ve tried to end it all twice and both times I woke up the next day, contemplating my life again. My heart feels heavy all the time, yet I’m numb to everything. I look at myself in the mirror, while I’m crying and I don’t see myself in my eyes anymore, I don’t […]
i have no energy. i have given up. i do not deserve to be loved. i will never be loved by someone. i will never be in a safe situation. i will never be cherished. i will never be happy. i will never be unbound. i will never be kept around. i will never be anyone’s first priority. i will always be abandoned. i will always be pitied. i will always be the last choice. i will always be in pain. i will always be a puppet. i will always be worthless.
the way my blood ran cold every time you threatened me
the way that the blade felt as i dug it into my flesh to form the letters of your name
the way the candle wax burned as it hit my skin
the way that the acidic feeling in my throat would linger when you made me film myself purging
the way i would try to speak clearly between sobs in those videos you forced me to make, the ones where i apologized to you
the way you talked me out of taking my life in front of you, not out of love, but out of your desire to keep […]
I am really trying. I am really struggling. I am struggling through a grief process that should’ve happened almost two years ago, but I only delayed through heavy marijuana use. In late January of this year, it caught up with me, and I had to quit because of problems sleeping. I’ve been clean now for almost two months, and in some respects things have improved, in others not so much. All the mental health issues (depression and anxiety) that I’d been keeping at bay with weed are now front and center, demanding attention. I feel naked and defenselss against them. I am unemployed also, just […]
there’s nothing more terrifying than returning to your body only to realize that hours have passed and you can’t remember anything that happened during that time period. being co-conscious and watching an alter take the front when I’m trying to do something important is the most frustrating shit. i’m the host. i don’t like relinquishing control of the front (not like I have a fucking choice) because i am in control the majority of the time. the worst part is that the particular alter that keeps taking the front is RARELY co-conscious so she literally just jumps in for 20 minutes, has no idea what the […]
don’t touch me don’t touch me don’t touch me don’t touch me
i can feel his hands around my neck he won’t let go he won’t let go he won’t let go
****** im sorry im sorry im sorry
he’s not really here but i can still feel everything
he was never here
******, how have you found me? how do you continue to torment me? i haven’t spoken to you since late september
i will never be able to forget the feeling of a razor being dragged down my face
over. and over. and over.
it still burns.
Hello, so let’s just start this off with a “I should be dead right now” I have no idea why I’m still alive. My girlfriends in the past have cheated on me and my girlfriend now likes someone else and hates me. My family told me to kill myself many times in the past and doesn’t care about me. I’m alone and by myself. I’ve tried many MANY times in the past and failed. Every. Single. Time. The closest I’ve ever come to death is a car accident in 2017 and I was in a 8 month coma. God only KNOWS how I came out […]
When I was in the russian supermarket today, the happy disco music which my mother said, was from her youth, didn’t sound so happy to me. Frankly I wasn’t hearing it at all. I was spaced out. I couldn’t believe I was so deeply unhappy with my life and for how unkind people had been all my life towards me. I didn’t even know what I wanted. Cookies, coffee, cinnamon.? I want nothing. I just want these thoughts to stop.
For every friend talking to their important friends or posting something on instagram instead of talking to me. I’m just f*cking done. I was a long […]
****** im so sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry. im sorry for ******* *** **. please don’t get **** ** ******. i broke my promise to ******* ***. i couldn’t ******* **** either. im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry
why am i sorry
why am i apologizing
to the person who destroyed me
what the fuck is wrong with me?
you did unspeakable things to me. things i will never be able to forget or erase from this body. i still have the scars, your name included. i still have the wax burns.
i love you but i fucking hate your guts. you’ve taken everything from me yet […]
I loath myself and the existence I am in. I don’t fit in. I’m hideous. I’m a loser. I try to help others, I try to learn what I do that makes people hate me so much. I’m just an outsider. I’m just a freak. I have so much rage and pain. I don’t know where it truly comes from. I don’t know why I can’t forgive the people who hurt me, even so many years later. Why do I obsess? Why was I even born?
my fa ult myfault my fault myfaultmyfaultmyfault my fa ult myfault my fault my fault my faultmy fault myfaultmyfaultmyfaultmyfaultmyfaultmyfault