I’ve hurt lots of people, albeit unintentionally. At school. During activities. On the internet. I didn’t think I was doing anything bad. I didn’t realize. I never do. It’s so difficult for me to understand how others feel and are affected by things, at least not until it’s too late. Even when I’m told that something that I said or did was wrong, I often either can’t understand why it was unacceptable or why it was so to such a great extent. I’ve been called a bully, and I didn’t understand why. I was angry and upset at the label. Even though I went out […]
I think so much. It’s pretty much the only thing I do. All day I’m just constantly arguing with myself. Having a conversation with someone who will disappear in maybe a couple of hours and then come back months later saying “I told you so”. Or the other way around in a shorter time period. I have come to some conclusions.
I can’t help myself but no one else can either. For months, or maybe even years, I have been really delusional, because I’ve always had an inferiority complex. That’s probably my biggest issue. My inferiority complex is like the source of every single problem that […]
when i was younger, in those loud and chaotic group homes, in those uncaring public schools, i could easily self-soothe without worrying. no one cared. i could repeatedly bash my head into the concrete or the doorway or the metal support beam in the handicapped stall. as long as i left the classroom or main room i could make those noises in the back of my throat. i could hit or slap myself loudly, i could break my shit, rip things apart, snap my whittling projects into pieces.
then in my last home, behavior was strictly monitored, loud outbursts were not allowed. when i was […]
Every day, actually. It’s almost as if music and noise are the only things left. And thoughts, so many thoughts. This, that, whatever. I wish I could do somethinng. All I can do is think. Wait. Eat healthy, exercise maybe. Try to make a change. One hour later I will still be, well, the way I always am. I can’t really do anything. I’m just waiting. The next time I see a therapist. A stranger. Someone I trust more than the people close to me for some reason. I read a short story about selective mutism. Something about anxiety making you unable to speak to […]
ican hear him again. i can feel his hands. they’re cold. they’recoldthey’recold they’re so cold
i long for the euphoria of being loved by the person he pretended to be
being loved by the mask that he wore
but it was all fake
itwasalie itwasalie itwasalie
thecuts there were so many cuts there was so much blood
on my lips
on my face
on my thighs
i couldn’t stop bleeding it just kept flowing andflowingandflowing
andicried for him to make it stop
make it stop make it stop make it stop
but he just told me to smile
“please smile”
and i did.
he said i wasn’t bleeding enough so i dug deeper
and deeper
and deeperanddeeper
itwasn’tenou gh it will never be […]
i am semi nonverbal i think. i have a very low word stock.
like if i’m typing, depending on the headspace I can go on for a while, have a back-and-forth on discord for twenty or more messages in a row on a good day.
irl/spoken has less stock. i can talk a lot about my special interests specifically but not really as a back and forth and it has my natural speech pattern which is probably hard to follow. and when i infodump it tends to be about convoluted subject matter and jump place to place. but i haven’t actually […]
Today has been fucking with my head, majorly. I woke up this morning with the following idea:
I think suicide is the greatest gift you can give to yourself, and here’s why: Have anxiety? Nonexistent once you’re gone. Worried about how those around you will feel? Doesn’t matter because you’re already dead and nothing they say or do can hurt you. Fear of persecution? What are they gonna do? You’re dead, they can’t touch you.
I feel like suicide is basically giving yourself permission to stop caring about anything but yourself. It’s the greatest form of self love, because you’re finally taking the time and putting yourself […]
I feel like I haven’t done anything with my life and that others have accomplished more than I have and live happier, more fulfilling lives. Everyone else is already engaged in and/or good at multiple things. But me? I waste all of my time and get nothing of importance accomplished. And I can’t stop because I lack motivation and nothing I do feels important. People always say that I’m a really smart kid but that’s bullshit. Maybe I was, but that would’ve been a long time ago, before I became an absolute failure of a human being. I’m not good at anything. My […]
I laid in bed last night thinking everything over. The different pros and cons of different places I would do it. The pros and cons of how I do it. I did some research and I think I’ve settled on a method and a place. Now I’m just waiting for the time. I’ve made my amends and I’ve come to terms with everything and this is the conclusion I’ve come to:
I don’t care who finds me, nor do I care what happens after I’m gone. I don’t care how this will affect the area, nor do I care about the people I’ll be leaving behind. […]
Let’s be honest here: we’re all screwed up as humans. The modern world moves at the speed of light, and we lose more and more of what really matters. We take pills to sleep and be happy. We talk to strangers about our feelings. We hide ourselves away online. We text instead of call. More and more, we’re disconnected from people and community.
So, here we are with another decade. What BS will come out of this one? Work-life balance is one from 2010s that circulated a lot. There’s always been this sort of crap in ever decade since the 1960s (if we’re thinking about being […]
i’m writing a paper and i just realized i’d rather be dead than doing this. i’ve written just over a page in twelve hours bc i can’t concentrate and it’s such a stupid reason to want to die?? bc i can’t focus and get distracted like a fucking squirrel or something? and now instead of writing my paper i’m putting all this time and effort into making this account and venting to no one bc i don’t know how to tell my mom that i want to die so fucking bad bc i can’t write this paper that i’ve been procrastinating for a week bc […]
I’ve been a lurker on this site for a while, and just now decided to post. I don’t know how many other “helpful” sites I’ve been to that tell me to think positively. Get out there and do your best. You just need to keep trying. I just want to scream SHUT UP! JUST SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME! I don’t want your platitudes! I don’t want your fortune cookie nonsense! I want to be heard! I want to be seen! JUST LISTEN TO ME! I’m in pain. I’m lost. I’m confused. I feel hopeless. BECAUSE I AM HUMAN!!!! AND I FEEL PAIN!! I […]
I’m literally getting closer and closer to doing it. My plan was to graduate college first, but God damn it, I’m this close to saying fuck it and just throwing myself off of a building. I don’t want to do this anymore. I am so fucking tired of being alive, putting effort into shit that doesn’t make me even mildly content. I’d say I wonder how everybody else does it, but I can’t muster up the desire to care. I don’t care about anything anymore.
I go through my days miserable. Sometimes I’m considering if it would really be all that easy to step in front […]
i’m going to scream all i’ve been doing for the past three days (between meltdowns+panic attacks) is scrubbing and cleaning to prepare for my partner’s birthday (because only three days ago he told me that we are hosting the party instead of having it at H’s house like usual) and it’s been physically exhausting and sensory hell and i’ve been perpetually soaked in filthy water.
usually i get up and then 2 or 3 hours later he wakes up but H is picking the both of us up an hour before i usually get up which means i’ll need to wake him up before she comes […]
I hate being awake I hate being asleep I hate being tired I hate eating I hate not eating I hate sweating I hate being wet I hate being damp I hate being dirty enough to taste it on my hands I hate being dirty enough to get another infection I hate not cutting I hate being caught cutting I hate when people talk to me I hate when people talk about me I hate when people see me I hate when people think of me I hate it when I can’t draw I hate when I can draw but the drawing ends up looking […]
trigger warning for mentions of stalking/blackmail/abuse + victim blaming + abuse romanticization + mentions of forced self mutilation… and excessive sarcasm on my part (under the screenshots).
thread 1: on my post “liar [internal dialogue]”
thanks for the insincere apology. how do I know it was insincere? oh, well, I dunno… maybe because you continued to act like this even after I made it clear that […]
I’m tired. I’m really tired. Not just physically, mentally, and emotionally. I’m tired if being the way I am, actually no I’m tired of not being the way I am. I mean if I take a look at myself. From like. A reasonable perspective. Right now, I rarely leave my bed. I usually fall asleep at 2 or 3 in the morning, wake up at 5, and then I don’t get out of bed until early afternoon. Do I have a reason to? I should have a reason to. I should have a reason to not be in my bed, wasting my time away, staring […]
I keep asking myself, when is it my turn? I work so hard and love so much but everyone else seems to be reaping the benefits.
Last week someone that I thought was one of my closest friends called me and kicked me out of a living situation we had planned with our other close friend for our second year of college. I had always known that they were closer with each other than they were with me, but I never knew that he barely tolerated me for months on end before telling me this.
Although he tried to let me down easy, that conversation confirmed a […]
don’t touch me don’t touch me don’t touch me don’t touch me DON’T TOUCH ME
my skin is fucking crawling. he’s here again. he’s in my blood, in my bones. he’s in my room, but he’s not. his hands are cold. ****** please leave me alone. pleasep lease please pleaseplease leave me al one,,..
i can hear him again. i can hear him. a broken record, repeating over and over all the things he said
i can feel the razors. it burns it burns it burns it burns makeit stop please, ******
my body is a trauma graveyard and these scars are the gravestones
please stop ican’t breathe you’re hurting […]
I have tried for what feels like an extremely long time to keep my delusions from consuming me. I remove one way to cope, I remove another way to cope, I remove another way to cope, I remove yet another way to cope, and then I’m back at the beginning. My bad habits hungrily chasing after me. My delusions of paranoia, superiority, the feeling that I NEED to be isolated, I try so fucking hard not to give in to them. But then, when I don’t… Am I really me? I woke up with sleep paralysis today, I guess. There was a person standing just […]