I am really trying. I am really struggling. I am struggling through a grief process that should’ve happened almost two years ago, but I only delayed through heavy marijuana use. In late January of this year, it caught up with me, and I had to quit because of problems sleeping. I’ve been clean now for almost two months, and in some respects things have improved, in others not so much. All the mental health issues (depression and anxiety) that I’d been keeping at bay with weed are now front and center, demanding attention. I feel naked and defenselss against them. I am unemployed also, just […]
Rants
there’s nothing more terrifying than returning to your body only to realize that hours have passed and you can’t remember anything that happened during that time period. being co-conscious and watching an alter take the front when I’m trying to do something important is the most frustrating shit. i’m the host. i don’t like relinquishing control of the front (not like I have a fucking choice) because i am in control the majority of the time. the worst part is that the particular alter that keeps taking the front is RARELY co-conscious so she literally just jumps in for 20 minutes, has no idea what the […]
don’t touch me don’t touch me don’t touch me don’t touch me
i can feel his hands around my neck he won’t let go he won’t let go he won’t let go
****** im sorry im sorry im sorry
he’s not really here but i can still feel everything
he was never here
******, how have you found me? how do you continue to torment me? i haven’t spoken to you since late september
i will never be able to forget the feeling of a razor being dragged down my face
over. and over. and over.
it still burns.
Hello, so let’s just start this off with a “I should be dead right now” I have no idea why I’m still alive. My girlfriends in the past have cheated on me and my girlfriend now likes someone else and hates me. My family told me to kill myself many times in the past and doesn’t care about me. I’m alone and by myself. I’ve tried many MANY times in the past and failed. Every. Single. Time. The closest I’ve ever come to death is a car accident in 2017 and I was in a 8 month coma. God only KNOWS how I came out […]
When I was in the russian supermarket today, the happy disco music which my mother said, was from her youth, didn’t sound so happy to me. Frankly I wasn’t hearing it at all. I was spaced out. I couldn’t believe I was so deeply unhappy with my life and for how unkind people had been all my life towards me. I didn’t even know what I wanted. Cookies, coffee, cinnamon.? I want nothing. I just want these thoughts to stop.
For every friend talking to their important friends or posting something on instagram instead of talking to me. I’m just f*cking done. I was a long […]
****** im so sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry. im sorry for ******* *** **. please don’t get **** ** ******. i broke my promise to ******* ***. i couldn’t ******* **** either. im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry
why am i sorry
why am i apologizing
to the person who destroyed me
what the fuck is wrong with me?
you did unspeakable things to me. things i will never be able to forget or erase from this body. i still have the scars, your name included. i still have the wax burns.
i love you but i fucking hate your guts. you’ve taken everything from me yet […]
I loath myself and the existence I am in. I don’t fit in. I’m hideous. I’m a loser. I try to help others, I try to learn what I do that makes people hate me so much. I’m just an outsider. I’m just a freak. I have so much rage and pain. I don’t know where it truly comes from. I don’t know why I can’t forgive the people who hurt me, even so many years later. Why do I obsess? Why was I even born?
my fa ult myfault my fault myfaultmyfaultmyfault my fa ult myfault my fault my fault my faultmy fault myfaultmyfaultmyfaultmyfaultmyfaultmyfault
his name is censored and the lines have been recolored for safety reasons. i’m a minor. please don’t sexualize any of this. please. this is vent art that I made during the time I was being abused. everything written was taken straight from voice memos, emails, and messages.
edit: how many times do i have to reiterate that this wasn’t a relationship. leave me alone. please.
that uneasy something-is-about-to-happen feeling grabs me by the throat,
“all of them are the same. all of them are the same. trust no one.”
i can’t look adult men in the eyes. i can’t stand within arms reach of them. i can’t have a one-on-one conversation with them. i can’t ask anything of them, even if it’s something as simple as asking for directions. i can’t trust them.
it fills me with guilt. i don’t want to fear them. i can’t control it. i’m even wary of family members (not immediate).
i can’t undo the years of trauma, i can’t erase it. i was abused at an early age and […]
it doesn’t get any less unsettling. it’s just as disturbing as the first time i experienced it.
hands. hands that aren’t there. gripping my neck, my shoulders, my face.
the feeling of someone standing directly behind me. i feel their breath on the back of my neck. i can feel their eyes on me, an unforgiving gaze.
but there’s nobody there. nobody is ever there.
sometimes, things he said replay faintly. but there is no noise. the room is quiet. i am alone.
but he’s still here, watching me. suffocating me. controlling me.
he still, in some way, has managed to lay his hands on me. he never did, he was […]
To me, “faith” implies optimism, I suppose. I have faith that drivers will yield right of way to me as I cross a street. I have faith the captain of an airliner will keep me safe. I’m optimistic these outcomes will be positive.
I’m sitting in church right now. Catholic church. There’s a ritual called adoration that’s taking place as I type this. The priest places an edible wafer into a shiny gold display medium, called a monstrance. He sets it on the altar, facing the parishioners, where it sits for a few hours, allowing the faithful to sit in the presence of “god.” Here’s a […]
“I’m sorry if I’m too pushy sometimes : ( I’m bad at showing my feelings, I’m sure you’ve noticed. but I truly do love you & it did really hurt when you said those things about no one being able to love you…. I know you’ve probably heard this a thousand times over, but that’s just not true. you’re pretty & vvvvv lovable you stupid.”
you never loved me. never. you never did. you lied to me. ******, why did you do this to me?
you would always tell me “this is the last time i’ll make you do anything like this”
but it was never the last […]
Well. Glad I got that out. I feel much better.
“I will xoxo. I hope someday you’ll truly realize how much I love you, how much I care for you & how I’ll never do anything to bring you harm ever again. your body is just so perfect to me, I adore your personality & the way you feel for me & love me makes me wanna break down. please don’t confuse me wanting your body, as the only reason I talk to you.”
oh, trust me, I fucking know that’s not the only reason you talked to me. you spoke to me because you wanted to keep me wrapped around your finger. you spoke to […]
“the thought of what I did to you, it tore me up inside. you didn’t deserve that, no one does. thinking of how happy you made me, how miserable I made you feel at times. how could you forgive me? please don’t confuse me as ungrateful, I love you. how could I not? I hate to be an echo chamber of words whispered into your ear a million times over, but you’re worth it. your smile that could melt away the stars, so bright, filling others with pure bliss. your soft spoken words, it’s as if the wind carries your words & dance to the […]
you lied.
you lied you lied you lied you lied you LIED.
liar liar liar liar liar LIAR
YOU WERE AND CONTINUE TO BE THE SOURCE OF MY PAIN, I FEEL SO ALONE WITHOUT YOU AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT. YOU TOOK EVERYTHING FROM ME.
FUCK YOU
I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I HATE YOU I WISH I […]
“Hey dudes I’m afraid I’ll hurt people if I leave”.
Really? Come on dude. You’d have to have pretty low emotional intelligence to honestly ask yourselves this question. Can we be honest here? Completely honest? How many of you actually think this? How many of you are just using this an excuse, a cover-up not to leave? Bargaining by saying these people will be “hurt” if you leave and they’ll miss you lmao. Or pretending that you care HAHA! What kind of reasoning is this? How do you have so much trouble with a simple matter of discretion?
I can’t imagine many of us have people […]
i’m tempted to do it; to take a butcher’s knife and just cut off the flesh in which his name is engraved. i would take back my power and erase him from me. this vessel is no longer mine. i want to tear off my skin. i feel ashamed and disgusting to have ever been in his control. i have not yet figured out how to un-train myself to sit, stay, and lay down. the fear is embedded in my soul and my entire being.
i’m tempted to do it, if i’m lucky i might just bleed out
I can’t take it
i can’t I can’t i can’t
get out of my head
get out of my head
get OUT OF MY HEAD
I hate him
why did he do this to me?? why did he make me do all those things?? i want to tear my flesh open my skin is fucikgin crawling
I HATE YOU ****** you took EVERYTHING FROM ME
YOU TURNED MY 8 YEARS OF ABUSE INTO 9. THIS BODY IS NO LONGER MINE, YOUR NAME IS ENGRAVED IN IT.
im at my fucking breaking point. i’m VERY close to making an extremely irreversible impulsive decision. would that make you happy, ******???? […]