Suicide plagues my mind every day and I feel like i’m going insane.
Rants
After all the fighting the judge believed the lie’s  my ex’s mother put  before him .He didn’t even request proof. Before I’ll sign my my rights over I’ll be dead. I will not have my only surviving child from my first marriage think I don’t want him. I’ve received threats , calls e-mail letters under the door since 2006. ‘If I try for one I’ll lose all three.” If I don’t walk away anything could happen to one of the kids. Accidents happen all the time.” And I can’t even prove it was them either of them, ex husband or ex mother-in-law. They have money and I don’t.  I have […]
Pain
Pain
Oh sweet pain
You come to me in every way
Mentally you crush my thoughts
Physically you cut my legs
Emotionally you destroy everything.
If there were a way to escape your grasp
A way to be free from what you cause me
A way to never again feel your torments
To enjoy what I have
To be happy
I would take that way in an instant
There is a way
To escape you
It’s feared by most however
A way witch most would never dream of
Never think of
Never long for
It’s horrible final way
No way to fix it
No way to change it
It’s everything I want
It’s everything I need
It’s Death
In death there is no pain
There is no feeling at all
Just death
Just […]
I envy the people who get everything they want handed to them. I can’t even stand the thought of my parents yet everyone around me has their parents as “friends”. I hate those people who complain about how rough their lives are, how things never come easy to them yet when they can’t make rent or they need some extra cash they just go to their parents and their parents give them whatever they want. I hate that these people can sit in front of me and say “Life sucks, I’m having such a hard time,” but when things get rough they take the escape […]
I know I want to do it.. but I’m so meticulous that I want it to be just right. I’m ready and all, but it has to be something.. I hate to say special.. but I guess it is. I’ve snapped millions of times and just said “fuck it†and taken bottles of pills or tried drowning myself (obviously didn’t work..), but that’s too.. foolish and hasty.
Lately I’ve been trying to really plan it out; a place and time. I have a pretty good idea of the how.. I don’t think I can actually share it all.. but it involves CO2 (or helium), pills and […]
Seems as though I’m getting back into the writing habit… in a way it feels as though I’m living through my writing. When I write despite how horrible I feel, the chaos and turmoil within me doesn’t seem so chaotic anymore. I can almost breathe a little and think. Lately though, “it†has been getting worse.. I only ever write when I’m.. empty, but not that usual empty.. this is different it’s as if I literally don’t exist, I’m just an ambiguous thing that only feels pain.
I haven’t been going out much.. or hanging out with friends, I don’t really have any urges to see anyone.. I […]
And I mean like always. When Im around people, I mean anyone (friends and family too, though I let my guard down a bit with my family) I have a big smile plastered on my face. It’s ridiculous really, when I talk to my therapist and I’m telling her about my suicidal thoughts, I have a smile on my face. I mean i’ll be telling her about how much I want to stab myself repeatedly with a huge knife and see all the blood oozing out and I’ll have a huge fucking smile on my face. I really don’t get why I do that. And […]
Every since i stopped going to school everyday people think i don’t go because i’m just a “slacker” or i’m to lazy . Most teenagers my age have no idea what ive been through & will never experience the loss & true pain i feel inside . They have no idea how it much it hurts , for me just to have the strength to get out of bed & make it through a day at school is a major accomplishment for me . No one will ever understand what its like to be me & wouldn’t last a day in my shoes , I’ve […]
The dictionary states that to be alone is to be separate, apart, or isolated from others. I find this very untrue. Here I sit across the hall from my sister, down the hall from my parents, on the phone with my friend and yet I am still alone. Alone does not mean you are isolated from others physically, it means you are isolated from other mentally. In my mind I have no one to talk to about anything because I am alone. I have no friends and no one that cares. Everyday I walk into school I’m surrounded by hundreds of people and I still feel alone. A very common […]
I think I want to talk about my past a bit. Not like talk to people about it, because im still to scared to do that, but write it down In a place where people could read it. I think I’m kind of hoping that in doing this it’ll be easier for me to come to terms with what’s happened to me and maybe actually tell someone one day.
However I don’t know if I can do that here. Is their like a post limit or anything? It doesn’t seem much like a multi-post website to me.
I mean I would do it on other websites, […]
why cant i stop wanting to die?.. i love life at times but other times…. i just cant breath. my chest feel like its going to explode.. i dont know if i can take much more of this. people on here are so nice to me. i dont even know any of you and ur trying to help me. that makes me so happy. but then i get off my computer, put down my sketch pad, and turn off my ipod. then im back in reality where people are horrible and mean!.. i hate when people judge me and lie to me… why is it […]
You feel like your body will just explode!… and you wish and hope and pray that it will. Â There’s so much anguish and desperation built up inside you that you just can’t take it any more! Â Screaming doesn’t help. Running doesn’t help. Â There’s no way to get away from it. Â Well… there is one way. Â But if you do that, your ‘loved ones’ will say you were a selfish coward. Â As long as you keep living with the pain they are happy. Â They want you to be this way. Â If only they could experience it just once. Â Then they would understand. Â Why can’t God just […]
I was thinking about the whole point of existence. I go through the motions everyday, I eat when I need to, bathe, etc. As human beings we all do all these necessary tasks in our life and the one thing that makes it worth it is Love. If you take Love out of equation, when you’re absolutely lonely, with no happiness, every thing seems mundane and pointless. Just for curiosity’s sake, is there any other point to being alive aside from feeling some sort of Love?
Why do i keep hanging around here?, Its probably that thought clawing at the back of my mind … the one everyone else who comes here has. I read posts here and wonder how you all can express yourselves so well, iv always had a hard time telling people what i’m really thinking and the emotions I feel unless its in a poem but even then things are very vague. I wonder if anyone will understand the next one.
Sleep, then only escape I get from life. As I drift off into a world of nothing I have no worries and no cares. Everything is just so peaceful. Half the time I don’t remember it but thats the best part. I feel like every-time when I sleep I die. I fall into a space of nothingness and I’m gone. Lost forever. But then I wake up and everything sucks again. If only I could sleep forever…..Oh wait I can. And I want to. Every-night I wish I never have to wake up again. That I never have to breath another breath and my heart […]
I guess my biggest problem right now is that I can’t seem to get myself together enough to tell them the truth. I mean people know, my family and friends know that I’m like this(suicidal) but no one knows why because I’m to scared to tell them. I do have a therapist, and I am on anti depressants, but I don’t want to talk. I mean I do want to talk, I just can’t. The words literally won’t come out of my mouth. I really have nothing to be ashamed of, because not a single thing that happened to me growing up that was my […]
I have major anxiety issues, my job is stressing me out so much that I can’t think of anything else. I’m terrified of failing and disappointing people. God I’m only 22 years old and having a quarter life crisis.
I completed an accounting degree recently and now working as assistant. acc for a private company… been in for a couple of months and absolutely mentally exhausted beyond relief. Should’ve used my degree as TP because it’s done nothing to help me understand my job. It’s a small company so I can’t learn off anyone else, my boss is almost as clueless as me about the tasks […]
I am stuck in a world in which I can not leave
All the pressure is there but I just can’t end it
I have my own burden to bear
I have no real friends, my parents: they don’t care
I have no one in this world. Everything makes me want to leave.
So what’s my burden? Why can’t I leave?
My life is perfect. Everythings good.
I have two paretns who get along
I have a roof over my head and three meals a day
My grades are good
I’m good at sports and other things in general
So what’s making me wanting to go?
well honestly I don’t know
I have all this fucking good stuff […]
Yes I may have diagnosed mental problems. But that does not make my choice to die a wrong or a bad one. I have successfully been able to make it through our warped educational system and be strong enough to maintain a job and support myself except for the years i was jobless and homeless and at present because my salary was cut considerably.
Can a person not of sound mind actually function as such. Because either the standards that you psychs use are off kilter or there is really no normal and it is as false as those ideals of democracy and communism.
There are innocent […]
When I was in the 7th grade my brother was sent away for therapy because he was dealing with alot of problems (ocd, tourettes, drug/alch abuse). In the 8th grade I started to feel neglected and hated by my parents, so i started cutting after every fight we had, which turned into coming home from school every day to cut my self. I stopped for a while, but then relapsed in the 9th grade. When this happened, i told my dad i was depressed and really considered killing myself and that i needed therapy. He said okay, and never brought it up again. After that […]