Rants

I genuinely feel like I cannot escape misery. The source of this misery is myself, but I’m so fundamentally broken that I cannot improve.

I wanted to kill myself since I was 9. I was getting bullied, I had no friends, my mom was in a terrible shape mentally and was an incompetent parent. Dad doesn’t exist (even my mom doesn’t know who he is).

People don’t want to spend time with me. I’m not a likeable person, in fact, I’m somewhat of a dickhead actually. I’m that guy that will disagree with you just to start an intellectual debate. From my experience, people fucking hate that. […]

Unlike most here in situations that are capable of being resolved with some expertise and grit, my situation is not. I am literally dying at a faster rate than most. Yes, it is health related. I am not one to slowly wither away, I won’t run from death anymore. Death always catches up anyway. Death is the only true exit from a doomed world that thrives on misery. Life is not precious. It is a fucking nightmare.

How do I stop being so lonely? Why can’t I connect with other people? Why am I so alone? I just feel desperately alone. I don’t have any real friends, any close friends. People that consider me as ‘their spiritual brother’ said to me things like ‘you should go outside to feel better’ or ‘if you wanna kill yourself so much, do it right now’. Never real support, never being a real friend. Just this.

And yeah from time to time I get close to nice people and I feel like I get to be friends with someone. I don’t stop being sad but at least […]

Okay, so I was playing Metal Gear Solid V, it’s a video game, and there was a cutscene where my character is escaping from a guy trying to kill him and there’s also a couple other random characters running too.

Thats the background here’s my “point.”

A random character falls down and grabs my foot and says “please save me I don’t want to die.” (He ends up dying, he was shot)

When I saw it I wondered, “why wouldn’t you want to die?” “Why are you struggling so much?” “What’s so valuable in your life that it’s worth you not wanting to die?” I know, I know […]

im so stressed right now. im always messing up stuff and it really sucks. my best friend backstabbed me because i did something really stupid that i shouldnt have done. my girlfriend is growing distant. i have other issues too. a close friend killed herself about a year ago, i miss her a lot and i hate the act of suicide but i feel like i might have to resort to it. i dont think ill ever go through with it though, im staying alive for my parents, the friends i have left, and my cat. i think i might end it all soon though […]

It starts with a word.

The word that pokes fun at your appearance, actions & feelings.

It might seem like nothing & you treat it as nothing.

But what happens when it’s all you hear? All the harsh words that later become actions.

Those actions catch the attention of the wrong types of people that take advantage of your vulnerability.

You can tell them “no” you can tell them to “stop” but they won’t listen
or they pile on more words of harshness.

The words that not only follow you wherever you go but repeat when looking in the mirror.

How do you make them stop? How do you make yourself […]

I’m not diagnosed with DID but I started giving my other persona a name.

I am becoming a demon — literally. My other persona started seeking solace and comfort with violent thoughts like murder and torture. And this “reasonable and good” persona comes out and starts screaming and is getting scared at my demon persona.

I’m literally getting crazier day by day.