Well hey people of the Suicide Project….. Its me again . Ive posted before about the loss of my GF of two years due to my family . I’ve raised a wonderful kid in that relationship he’s 5 now and reading im proud of him ….. Its been a month since the last time i saw my (Ex) and i still miss her & little man everyday . I know she wont take me back . We got along so well never argued and always laughed with eachother….. Love her more than life itself . Which speaking of life ….i dont see a point anymore […]
Rants
Relationships, they never have been my strong suit. I don’t know if it’s me, or it’s the people I date but my relationships always end with me broken. Somehow though, after every time i’m broken I manage to pick myself up. This last one though, has really been screwing with my head. I ended it myself, but it didn’t hurt any less than if he was the one to break it off. He hurt me, over and over, but I stayed because I didn’t have anyone else. Who would’ve thought, that my most successful relationship that I’ve ever had would be my worse? Why? Of […]
What’s the point of living in this bullshit world we call reality? When I can go to these “fantasy” worlds of my own creation and have experiences so much more vivid and engaging than anything I’ve ever experienced in this “reality”? Hate, sadness, fear, happiness; they all are so much more clearer there than in this place. I can be the hero I’ve always wanted to be there as well. It’s a win-win situation. Why does this “reality” have to be so messy? I just hate it so much. I would love to just sit by in my “fantasy” worlds and watch this “reality” pass […]
I just have no idea what to do anymore. I don’t want to be alive anymore but I can’t kill myself because anytime I think about doing it and how much I just don’t want to be forced to live on this rock, I see my parents and friends faces and how sad they’d be. This always brings a sense of hopelessness, I can’t die, I don’t wanna be here but I have to be so fuck what do I do. I’ve never felt like I belong anywhere on this whole world and constantly feel homesick for a place that I’m losing hope I could […]
I want to hurt myself almost everyday. The main thing that keeps me from hurting myself is that I don’t want to end up in the mental hospital again. All of my mental hospital visits have been bad or outright traumatic thus far.
So many times, I get so upset at myself that I want to bang my head against the wall. I think “You’re stupid, worthless piece of s***!” and yell at myself and I cry because of how much I hate myself and can’t stand being alive. I have hurt myself by hitting my head before, usually when I was already in a mental […]
There are few theories explaining how life came about, then there’s the most senseless one in my opinion and is widely regarded as true: Creation. I cannot dismiss its possibility though. If it’s true however, then its the saddest reality in my opinion, it shows that there’s a greater “evil” than we actually witness in the world, there’s the most wicked entity and that entity is the one responsible for creation therefore all that we come across, that repulsive; spiteful and vile entity is god. For all my life I’ve never experienced true happiness, and the situation gets worse with time. I tried […]
I don’t know how i didn’t decide to end it today like i told myself i would . This December has been extremely hard on me . I’ve lost my girlfriend who deeply loved …due to family calling her nasty names ect and for two years we were together . I helped raise a child that wasnt mine but cared so much for him . My story is basically a bad break up …. That we ended on good terms but not by my choosing my family destroyed it . She couldnt take it anymore as she was crying on the phone with the names […]
I love how my dad decides to be a father whenever he feels like it
He expects me to take care of his family, problem is I can’t even take care of myself
he just ignores the fact that he has responsibilities and just shitting mad at me for not doing his shit and doesn’t think that what he’s doing is wrong. He never admits that he’s wrong.
I feel like my mom loves him out of fear if that makes sense she would never have the courage to leave him
we just got a new baby sister and my dad made me spend the hospital nights with my […]
that is it. I had enough.
I had enough of this kind of life.
I screwed up a few times. other times I got screw over.
Im fucked up.
I want to be soulless. I want to be with out feelings
I want to be a fucking robot.
I don’t want to communicate. I don’t want to love, to cry, to be mad.
God. If you are out there, when I wake up tomorrow morning, please wake me up feeling less.
Please help me become this hollow shell.
Why would you take away from me so much, without taking my feelings too? […]
What the fuck is wrong with me?
Why am I feeling such an urge to find a girlfriend?
I have completely accepted that I don’t and will never have a dad in my life, and that my biological dad is still out there alive nothing giving a shit about me.
I have accepted the fact that right now my family is in debts and that I have to spend as less as I can.
I have accepted that I must succeed and do my best at the university to find a well paying job.
I have accepted the fact that I don’t have time to […]
I’ve taken that many muscle relaxants I’m suprised I havnt oded. I just want my heart to stop hurting. I’m calling rehabs like a lunatic at 6:30am. They don’t give a crap.
No one does. I have no one. My heart hurts so much. What is this pain?
I’m
Willing to give up my New Years to spend in rehab. Loser much. How did I get here how?
I’m a good girl. I’m
Nice. I’m loyal. I help people.
Why is this happening to me.
Someone make my heart stop pounding pleass
So the boy I was falling in love with died less than three months ago and I’m okay sometimes and other times it’s worse than when I got assaulted years ago and thought I was dying.
Memories of him always pop up, always freeze me up, make me break down and hide away and I’m fairly used to it, but I’m the past few days I’ve been having memories of him that never happened nor could ever happen, because, well, he’s dead now.
I see him and I playing in the snow together. I see him surprising me with cute things. Celebrating the holidays. I feel myself […]
. . . And it is nothing.
This has been my first post. Thank you very much for reading.
A bit about me?
I’m from New Zealand, I was a really happy positive out going popular child, always aware that I was adopted, always knew my birth mother though I’ve only just seen my birth father and his family including my two half-brothers I never knew I had for 38 years last week at a pre Christmas get-together (totally full on). I was the sort of child who’d invite their entire class of 40 to their 6th birthday causing all sorts of headaches for their parents (this happened).
I […]
How is it so possible to feel so alone.. when we’re supposedly so connected.. I go here to vent to rant to just get it off my chest. Say something anything even if nobody’s listening. Even so, it’s way better than bottling everything up in my soul. Feel like at any moment I’m ’bout to blow. Where’s a gun when you need one? All I have is this imaginary one replaying in my head. The sweet release of death. Oh how comforting it feels. Like home. The warm embrace. The darkness where everybody acknowledges who I am. Among the ones who felt the same. Wish […]
3 years ago, back when I entered high school, I decided to change schools with the sole purpose of leaving behind every single one of the fucks I met back in junior high school. Those 3 years in junior high school were the beginnings of my depression, and I thought a change of scenery would help. Ironically, everyone else left that school, except for my friends (at least on that time they were my friends), so my plan didn’t work out quite as well as I was expecting, so I started high school alone.
I forced myself into socializing, and I met A LOT of people, […]
Don’t have anyone to spend time with, and I’m the friend that no one wants around. Not sure why I’m here anymore.
I hope nobody hurts my mom. She drives for Uber and she makes some nice money doing it. I just hope none of these butt-hurt taxi cab drivers do anything stupid that’ll piss me off. I understand that Uber and Lyft is kicking taxi bumpers left and right but there’s no need for these taxi drivers to take out their frustrations on my mom who isn’t trying to hurt anyone. She’s just trying to make a living just like they are. My mom tells me stories about how taxi drivers ***** and complain to her about how they ain’t getting as many customers as before […]
you made me happy. I was dumb for letting you go. I was dumb for not making time for you. I was dumb to set my feelings aside because I was scared of what we could be. When I finally wasn’t scared, and i told you everything I felt, I found you moved on. With another girl. It’s been a month, I should be over you. I’m not. I’m nowhere near over you. Why can’t I let you go? Why did I let you go?
Before she was aware, she moved across seas. Of course she wasn’t aware, she was only 3.
By the age of 5, she knew something wasn’t right. Protecting her siblings while her parents fight.
From K to 12 she struggled without support. But even with uneducated parents, her grades were in good report.
Her home-life however, left much to Desire. Constant fighting and screaming and emotional fire.
At the tender age of 8, she would lie in bed, wishing she were dead.
Withdrawn and silent, she turned 14. Dragged to the psychiatrist for her mind to be seen.
Finally diagnosed with Severe Clinical Depression. She was given drugs, but to her […]
A message to the asshole who will never read this. “FUCK YOU!” i can’t stand assholes like you who believe the world revolves around you. I apologize if your too brain dead to answer a simple question but its my fucking job. I ask if you have a Safeway card and you react like I just asked you to solve the worlds most difficult riddle. Its a simple yes or no question. I ain’t asking you to wipe my ass! Oh and if pulling your card out of your pocket is too hard then why even waste your energy driving to the grocery store? I […]