Well I got threw my birthday yesterday, kind of happy that’s over…. But it still really isn’t over, I have to see some friends later today, who will probably wish me a happy birthday still, and see my other half of my family, who will do the same. At least it isn’t a day that I would even think of trying to kill myself on, would have to wait until tomorrow at least, but ideally until 2 birthdays from now…. Nice round numbers are nice. I’m also surprised that I haven’t hurt myself in many ways so far…. nothing that will leave a scar. I […]
Rants
I have a question for everyone on here. I’ve been dealing with suicidal thoughts and depression and anxiety shit for about a year now. Whenever I have a good day (though those are extremely rare), I find myself missing the mental state I am comfortable in–the state where thoughts of suicide and self harm control me. Does that happen to anyone else? Does anyone else purposefully trigger themselves to be in a depressive state when they are in a “normal,” good, happy mood? Or is that just me? I don’t know why I do it…but I do. Sometimes I am mad at myself for doing. Other […]
No, before you jump to conclusions I’m not harming myself in any way. This is about someone who I loved but unexpectedly found out he had cheated on me. Though we never made us dating official we where intamit (kissing, cuddling, making out, I would never go as far as that). He was my best friend, my lover and someone who made me in all honesty happy, something most people can’t do. He was kind in helping me.. But in the end I was wrong about him. He has fallen in love with another girl and still had feeling for my sister, lied and told […]
WARNING: not suitable for people who had a bad day to listen to.
Welp today is my Birthday, also the day that very long ago I planned to kill myself on…. So far only about 3 hours in and it’s not going very well. I feel like I’m breaking a promise to myself if I don’t at least try, but I know it’s not an ideal time to do so. My father is dealing with a lot of things right now, and he doesn’t need to deal with this, also I can’t guarantee that my cat would be okay either. So I won’t. I can’t even sleep anymore, and probably won’t for most of today either. I slept […]
I’m sorry if I drag this on, but I’m not one to hold my tongue when something is bothering me. So I just want to address this for a moment. Why do some people like to make people who are hurting feel worse? I don’t mean everyone, some people help, but others just fuel the flame and worsen the pain. I’m not referencing to myself, even though I’ve been in this situation before a couple too many times. But if someone is in pain, and using a post or blog, video, etc. to vent or rant or cry for help, there are 99.9% of the […]
I guess im using this site as a kind of diary…for rants…rant diary…heh
So last August/September my boss said it was getting hard for him to pay me because of taxes etc and asked if I’d be ok with getting paid off the books. I said sure, if it’d make things easier for him. I just wanted to keep my job and he said he’d keep paying me the minimum wage.
Some personal shit happened in October with one of my coworkers, she went around telling people that I was planning to murder my boyfriend and called the police on me, then started antagonizing me […]
I know some of you might be into deep holes right now and some were at the point of their life when all they want to do is to break down and cry, or even die. Yes, I do understand because even I myself can’t do this anymore.. but I’m still trying as long as I can. That’s why I am here not to tell you that ‘everything is gonna be fine’,’get up and it will get better soon’ or ‘put yourself together don’t be weak’ because even I can’t believe that it’s all gonna be alright. I’m not going to tell you the words […]
I’ve suffer from anxiety and depression for months after my relative just keep telling me “not to worry and let karma do the rest” about my neighbour from hell next door. Things didn’t get better but escalate for the worst. He never listened to me to be about being careful about those people trying to harm us/seek revenge and it is always better to stay safe than to be sorry. I tried very hard to stay positive and always strive to protect my home from these sort of jerks that try to provoke us with their words, kids playing on our driveway, and petty revenge […]
I am so disappointed in myself… last week I finally seemed to get a grip on my Psyche but nope.
This morning the voices and the doubts and the fear crashed back into my consious like a Bulldozer with airhorns.
The laughter, taunting and insults returned blarring in my head… it is so loud. I can’t eat or drink, I get sick from it.
Thanks to this I tried on a large plastic bag to see if it was suitable and to remove any anxiety once I hopefully get the strenght to fucking end this shit.
Talking with friends pushes them away each time. Shit, I lost a promising […]
You hear all the time how people find comfort in finding others that are going through the same thing as them. I don’t. To me it makes me loose hope that there’s and end to this crap going on in my head.
There are sooooo many people with at least some sort of depression or mental health issues it seems like that’s just the way it is. That’s being human. I think it’s totally unacceptable for a race (as in human race) to have that as a norm. It also kills all hope to be free of it.
I’m just supposed to accept it because everyone else […]
It’s hard when the only thing that you truly long for is to disappear, to just not be. This option is not open to me, although it’s a sweet dream I know I won’t take that road. I can’t. I wish I could. I’m not scared, not afraid I’d fail or afraid of what comes after or anything. I’m not free to do it. I can’t get myself to ignore what it would do to those who know me, to my family. No one is close but the distance only brings more pain and questions when someone disappears. It would crush my dad. Those who […]
So, I’ve sort of started taking steps to appear more like the physical sex that I currently am not…. I kind of shaved most of my body a bit ago, and I shaved a bit again today…. It bothers me though that I can’t get all the little rooty bits of facial hair out threw shaving though, maybe I will have to go with waxing, but that’s expensive I guess I’ll try plucking first…… meh I don’t know why, but I kind of really just wish I could be female right now, It’s so confusing. As I also don’t want to be female either, yet […]
Sometimes it feels like all hope is lost, like there is no reason for me to continue thinking or trying or breathing and the self hatred gets even more overwhelming and I just want to scream and cry and tear myself apart (literally) I have goals I just have no motivation to achieve them anymore because I don’t see the point, I don’t see why I shouldn’t just end it now and end my pain, I have no one, and everyone just discourages and belittles me and I’m tired of pain
The guy I was seeing a couple weeks ago, Aaron, turned out to be a bust. He was a really nice and sweet guy, but his interest ran out. But that’s not my main problem. It’s Presley. I am madly in love with Presley, we wanted to spend the rest of our lives together, we were in love with each other, and then all the crap happened with Holly and Amy, he chose both of them over me, and yet we still love each other. I want to yell at him, I want to pound on his chest and beat all of my pain away as […]
I’m so tired of everything. the quickie marriage to a needy husband (thank god we don’t have kids together), the mean baby daddy, the holier than thou ex-wife, the annoying step-teenager, my teenager that I love dearly, who is my only joy, that is trying to fail, maybe to go live with her much better off financially father, then he gets to be the bad guy, not her, and just life in general.
my super needy husband, is a fucking looser, then he needs praise for simple shit that any grown man should be doing a million times better/more effective than he’s doing it. won’t pay […]
I’m in a situation where I don’t really have anyone to talk to on a personal level, I mean there is my family but… they’re more of a ‘You can solve it with a positive attitude!’ people… and I don’t really want to burden any of my friends since they have their own stuff to worry about… I know I should probably see a proffesional but that would require telling my family where I’m going so I can’t…
Really I just kinda want to vent what I’m thinking to see if that helps me, so here it is, I guess:
I don’t know how to feel anymore, I […]
What happened to suicide?
What happened to everyone?
It’s like I’m in Jr. High.
Where did the heart go?
Diversity?
This place isn’t home.
My family gone.
I’m tired of watching as everyone focuses on juvenile topics.
When there are people like me, and others that need more attention than others.
Yet everyone doesn’t care.
They say they do.
If they really did, then I don’t see it I haven’t for several weeks.
See, people like me are left in the shadows as everyone parties.
When that one heart felt, blunt comments could save one of us from falling off the edge.
You say you miss someone when they trun up missing, but do you really?
If they come back […]
As far as I know I have nothing left. My friends, my family don’t even care for me. Day after day, night after night I just lay in suffer age while my friends beat me down further. The friends whom I’ve considered family have used me until they come across someone to replace me. The ones I trusted now ignoring my cries. I have nothing to live for… I have no one to live for. I can’t feel any emotional love anymore..
The pain is still here. I can drown it out. I can muffle it. But I’m just a shell of a person wandering around. Withdrawn to where it feels more than awkward to be out and around people when it wasn’t so before. Opening back up on command isn’t as easy as shutting down anymore. Desire to end things lingers as well and always has. Thoughts of such are being provoked more often than not now. What do you do when you feel that you have more reason to leave than to stay? Given life more than a chance just existing for the past 2 […]