If you could have anyone’s life, who’s life would you want to have? Could be past (dead) or current (alive) people. And why?
What do you do when you feel like a giant dark black hole?
Who else feels life is hopeless?
I suppose the trick is to NOT feel hopeless…but how does one not feel hopeless when we are David vs Goliath in this shit world? Especially when we are all alone, no family, no spouse, no parents, not a single person who cares whether we live or die?
No longer waking up wishing that I died in my sleep first thing in the morning. For now. But I can’t say that I’m better. Just stagnant. Might hear something from the two companies I interviewed for either the end of this week or next. I shouldn’t say I feel confident about it because knowing my luck I’ll just get another rejection. I guess that’s why I haven’t been trying real hard submitting application lately. I haven’t tried for a while.
The hertz fellowship application is due Friday. One of my references hasn’t turned in their […]
Can you please take just a few more days to think about this. What can it hurt? Maybe soneone here can help. Or calm you. There are people here to help or listen. There arebhurt people, ready to go themselves. We are you here to listen. I dont wanna lose another bestie but ill always listen. Just just a few more days. Miracles do happen
I had my second session today and it was the most awkward 30 minutes I’ve experienced in my life. Most of the time was wasted on her saying Dhar Mann-esque proverbs. Every time she said one, she would do a long pause and stare at me, waiting for me to say something. I didn’t know how to respond so I just stared back at her until she moved on. Whenever I did get a chance to talk about how I’m feeling, she gave me generic answers that I could’ve found on Google. I told her that I’m suicidal and she gave me the number […]
Happily drunk ready to face the truth I’m crying I’m hurt I don’t know maybe I’m drunk I don’t know what to tell you I’m sorry mom but I have to go please take care everyone you know I love you
Every year since around 2020, I’ve genuinely hated growing older, because it means I’m running out of time to be happy, or find my own happiness. I’ve heard Gen Z is in a state of arrested development/Peter Pan syndrome but honestly how could you blame us when the world is currently the way it is? It’s impossible to make any significant milestones because the price of everything makes it impossible. What’s worse is I’ve been clinically depressed with crippling social anxiety ever since I was 12. Which I regret feeling, because life was less awful during those years. I could have spent them playing or […]
I went through a lifeless 3-year relationship, and recently, I started feeling a spark with someone at work a guy I really admire in every way. I don’t even know why I like him so much, but I couldn’t keep it to myself and ended up confessing my feelings to him — the first time I’ve ever done that. He said I liked the wrong guy. Now I feel embarrassed and can’t act normal around him like before. He apologized, but seeing him every day still hurts. Watching him be so normal and friendly with other girls makes it even worse. I just feel like […]
I really don’t know where to start, I guess all I can say now is that its time to go, I’m sorry for not making it in life. I really did my best, but sometimes its just not meant to be. For those that know me here, I love you guys. Good night life.
I’m doing it right now. I keep looking at my research proposal draft and not doing anything to it. I see all the comments left and it just turns me off. It’s all fair criticism, but at the same time it reminds me of how completely out of my depth I’d be in a PhD program. With enough effort, anybody could probably get a PhD degree. I’m just not one of those people to put in the effort. Meaningful effort anyways. I’ll probably not touch my draft today and say I’ll do it tomorrow and repeat the same […]
Interview I had today was ok I think. I hate how nervous I get. I say I don’t care about any of this, but I still care enough to not want to fail. It’s a stupid contradiction. Either way, it went ok I think and I drove 6 fucking hours back home with the last two hours in the dark. Sucked dick.
I realized this morning why my current depression felt so nostalgic. It’s the same depression I had when I was in high school. All my life I’ve been depressed, but I’ve been depressed for different […]
I was writing this to chatGPT but knew what it was going to say, and feel too tired to rewrite it, so apologies for the messiness. I just don’t know how much more of this s**t I can take…it’s almost laughable how bad my life is and how screwed I am in terms of talking to people, or just being able to be in the vicinity of other people. Maybe this would be better off in a social anxiety forum, but I guess the social anxiety comes from being unhappy and guilty.
People often make fun of me, talk about me or laugh at me when […]
Brilliant writer, intelligent, insightful and talented at the art of words, but after reading all of his fiction novels (I don’t have the patience for essays), I gotta say I don’t think he ever experienced pure, agonizing, suicidal pain himself. And that’s why his philosophy fails on me.
In a nutshell, his recurring philosophy can be summed up like this:
Life is absurd, essentially meaningless, but we should rebel against the meaningless and create meaning.
Sure, that’s fine. But not when you’re dealing with an agony so deep and maddening that you can’t fucking think straight. To use the metaphor of the 9/11 jumper: those faced with the […]
I’ve been talking less and less to people around me. Keep it brief and keep it light. I just haven’t felt the need to say anything. Don’t got anything to say.
This research proposal isn’t going well. Don’t got any ideas and it’s not even something I really want to research anyways. I thought I found something that would be interesting, but I’m not even sure there was anything there to begin with. Probably just a pointless dead end. I’d like to say that this is the reason for why I haven’t really worked on my research […]
I had my third interview with this defense drone company today. It went well. Makes me a little sick. The people are nice and well meaning. But I did not become an engineer to work for the department of defense. Especially not this administration’s DoD. This particular interview made that even more apparent. I guess I’m a hypocrite for trying to get a DoD fellowship so I could do my PhD. The research proposal of which is still crap by all means. But I was proposing a pipe inspection robot. To help with infrastructure. […]
You can’t tell me that people in 2025 aren’t shittier than they used to be. Things weren’t like THIS 20 years ago.
Every day, we hear of some kind of mass shooting, or stabbing, or insane shitty behaviour by average Americans, not even by criminals or serial killers. Take a look at these stories I saw yesterday. Some woman thought the lady in front of her at checkout took too long at checkout so she followed her to the parking lot and stabbed her. Then went back to the store to wash the blood off the knife. And then there’s this […]
Who remembers blackoutalice, she used to be active back in 2015, anyone know what happened to her? I miss all the guys from back then, we used to have fun on here
I really hope this doesn’t offend the methods rule, because it’s one of my favorite songs of edgy dark comedic musician Rusty Cage;
Anyway it looks like it’ll force you to watch it on Youtube anyway and not on this post, so whatever. I was talking in one of my other posts about AI teaching a kid how to tie a noose and how I could teach anyone how to tie one, well so can Rusty Cage. He also built a guillotine once, he’s kind of a cool guy. I mean he’s taken his dark thoughts and found a decent outlet, his music and some other […]
I used to be a regular on this site 10 years ago, and I promised I would be back after 10 years. Here I am, nothing changed, still suicidal, still hopeless, still in pain. Life was never meant for me, but I’m still scared to end it all. My friends, blackoutalice, Killswitchon, Deena, Simran, nobuddy, unluckymale13 and the others whom I don’t remember their usernames, I hope you guys are doing well in life. Love you. See you in another 10 years, hopefully I’ll be dead
Interview went pretty bad today. Was like 10 minutes long. I don’t give a fuck about tomorrow’s interview but I have to do it. I just don’t care anymore. It’s the middle of fucking October and I’m still here. I’m tired and I haven’t even done anything. I keep thinking all my problems would be solved if my heart just gave out when I slept. Or I had a brain aneurysm. Or I just get stabbed or something. I just don’t want to deal with this anymore. It’s pointless to continue on. Nothing to […]