If I don’t cut out the rotten part of me within 3 months, it grows into a cancer that will ensure that I hate everyone and everyone hates me. It’s nearly been 4 months. “Four months clean, congrats.” No good reason to celebrate when not cutting just means I’m gearing up to kill myself. Whatever. I just need to cut soon. You have to atone somehow, eye for an eye, blood for blood. My body is a graveyard for my sins, and I need to be reminded of them. “A reminder of God’s promise” and he’s a cruel god. I’ll cut or I’ll kill myself. […]

empty, that’s all I can seem to say to myself, empty, somethings missing where there should be something

sadness like a song I can’t get out of my head, hopelessness is an endless nerve grinding beat, was always there, I just lost the ability to push it away

how can I have all these words? how can I have skills? how can I seem to have so much potential?

but nothing, empty, not even enough to go outside some days, like today. Just sitting, empty, wishing I had something to do, someone to be…. but I don’t. my heart, my head, my life, empty

Another milestone and my heart can’t take it anymore. I cursed god for the last time and now I really have no meaning. Why live? I have no family, not like oh I just don’t want to talk to them, no they shitty people and they abandon me with my shitty mother. so they all condone child abuse and neglect. I’m tired of nobody having my back and I’m still being kind and nice sitting here smiling every day in people’s faces but who gives a fuck about me. God do like to watch people suffer and not fair.. why give someone a shitty life […]

idk why I’m here. I’m too exhausted to even try right now, but I think I have what I need to do it. I wish I could tell them how I feel right now… but idk what’s up atm, they’re probably busy with a mix of things. and I’d just be bothering them anyway… adding to the toxic piece of trash I am. I’m emotionally exhausted. I’ve had a really horrible fucking week, and I dont expect this one to be any better. I should’ve done it on the day I cried like 3 times. before then, even.

the only thing I had to look forward […]

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You did it again, and you failed again. You tried with visine, all your eggs in that basket. What little hope ending this life has to offer was in visine. But, the cat’s out of the bag isn’t it? You had to open your mouth on the calculated risk that they wouldn’t add 2 and 2 together and get 4. Well you gambled, and you LOST. As usual. Disappointment doesn’t begin to cover what you are, what your life is, what you will always be. One. Big. Fuck up.

Kara confronted you. She’s the one that put it together. The variable you didn’t count on. Way […]

congrats on getting away with child molestation n rape.  while you’re busy bitching about how I’m no-contact, I’m regretting not killing you when I had the chance.  I could’ve burned you alive.  I could’ve bashed your head in like you tried to do to mine.  I could’ve stabbed you on any of the many occasions you “checked in on me” by ripping the doors open when I was in the bathroom.  I could’ve just let you choke on your vomit when you were ODing.  I probably should’ve.  Could’ve been “your own fault” to everyone.  I nearly walked down to the house this summer, since I […]

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So there are a few marks around my neck. It’s from a rope, but I wouldn’t call whatever it was an attempt. It was just to see how it would feel. The other end wasn’t tied to anything. It was just me tightening it until I couldn’t anymore because I passed out.

I knew I couldn’t kill myself this way. I just wanted to see how it would feel.

It felt right…

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anywhere, far from here, far from humanity and where i can stay and create my own little bubble world

a world where i can see my friends, go on adventures, make food, do anything i can’t do right now

i had thought long ago that by now, i would be dead or would have some sort of fulfillment in life.. but now as i grow older, i become more unsure and tired.

i’m 18 in twelve days and i’m supposed to know what to do in this life.

am i supposed to end it? am i supposed to pick some random thing to study and take classes for in […]

So I decided that I would take a leave of absence from school. Just a semester. Was in the hospital for too long and missed too much. At least that’s what I’m telling myself. I think I was also just so overwhelmed by everything at that school that I needed a speedy exit. Some excuse to leave and hide. That it was too hard and I was going to fail and so I needed to bail before that could happen. I don’t know. But anyways I took the leave of absence. All my classes were dropped […]

Healing.

That’s the word we keep using.

Healing the inner child. Healing the past, Healing and moving forward. Moving with each other.

Special.

What we have is clearly special.

It’s not like we love each other, but we care. We keep using that word, too. Care. I care for her. She cares for me.

…

Pact.

We made a pact together.

We would be alone with each other if it helped and also avoid self-isolation.

Her mind. Font. Her Font. She is so similar to me. She calls it OCD and Anxiety.

I am afraid to speak before her.

but my words

become easier as they leave me

when I speak with her –

i feel heard. After all. Somehow. […]

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I had nightmares most of the night, experiencing a situation of psychotic depression, a complete lack of faith in the world around me to be consistent or fair. I believe that if I wasn’t sleeping 12 hours a day, I’d probably be having an incident.

It took until 1:30 PM for the email to come, saying that despite my interview and work, the job doesn’t want me. I can’t pull up anymore. Immediately the voices of therapists was in my head; “well, it could still get better.” No, all signs are that it won’t. “You can try again” No, I can’t. I’m only stopping short of […]

If it weren’t for the fact that we’re in town, at my dad’s, I think I would end it. Right now. But there’s nothing here. Maybe I could find a way. I don’t know. I have what I need at home. I could do it there.

This horrible fucking feeling.

It’s my own fault.

I am the weed in the beautiful flower garden.

Nobody to talk to. It feels like I’m suffocating. Even more so that I have to hold my breath because I’m crying. This hurts so fucking much. I feel like I’m being consumed. By these horrible feelings. The stupid thoughts that won’t go away. Realizing how […]

The whole ordeal was a mistake. A horribly thought out, biased mistake that was never supposed to happen and how could I and WHY would I be so stupid?

I don’t understand why i’m doing this to myself but for some reason,

I can’t seem to stop.

I’m feeling disproportionate to how I should feel but to be honest who fking cares? If I died, I’m just gonna be someone that died. I was lonely as all hell asking moots to reply with memes to draw my OCs into and all I get in return is insecurity and suicidal thoughts from being unwanted.

I was in a bad place seeking interaction and they just saw it past. Fuck everyone. If I passed last night it would be no difference. I’m already unwanted. I have nobody to call friends when I thought everyone’s my friend.
.
Guess I’ll just die.

I am so tired of being sad and tired. I do not want to be alive anymore, but I am stuck in this place of fear and guilt. i am scared to give up, as I worry about my grandparents and family’s reactions. I do not care about myself much anymore. I act like I do, but every act feels forced and I am exhausted. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up. I do not have any plans to commit, but I do wonder sometimes. I just want this pain to end. To live is to suffer, and the only way […]

This is what I struggle with most when wondering whether I should end it. I’m not in unendurable agony, though I am in constant low-level pain. I’m not in inconsolable anguish, though I am always tired, and mostly sad, and becoming more and more hopeless by the year. If it was just me to consider, I think killing myself would probably be the right thing to do, even though I don’t emotionally “want” to do it. Despite my delusional attachment to dreams of a life, and my terror of death, I think it would be the right choice.

But it’s not just me I should consider. […]