i still get nightmares about my ex.

i wake up in cold sweat, still wondering if they’re spamming my phone with apologies, excuses, pleas, or just menaces. i have dreams about them crawling back to me for revenge, mocking me. sometimes i do have dreams of them being nicer.. but i always remember about how much they stalked me. im surprised there hasn’t been a bomb sent to my house since they probably still have my address.

i’ve heard their voice in my dreams, its been such a long time. it was soft.. but i still get shaken up.

no, i dont miss them in any shape or […]

I messed up again. Said one little wrong thing cause I was frustrated and back to being the family disappointment. Just to top fucking up things with my mom again, my brother is getting pulled into the crossfire of my mom’s anger. He hasn’t done anything wrong but of course, our mom’s anger is enough for two. Why do I always happen to screw things up? I know things for my friends and family would be so much better without me but I just can’t seem to end it. I’m too scared. I don’t fear death, not normally but the moment I stare it in […]

Life is complete bullsh*t, I mean I never signed up to end up wanting to kill myself in the end. Whats the point of living if everyone is going to die in the end, might as well be it over and done with when your young?

And here I am, i dont know what the hell im doing here, what is this place going to help me with, fix my problems?, No.

Nothing can ‘fix’ anything, no medications, no therapy or mindfulness, all of that sh*t, completely useless, a scam. I don’t even know how ‘talking about my problems, and feelings is going to stop me from […]

Hey, I just want to post this because I really hate my life and hate my mom so much. you have no idea what I’m going through, it might be not as bad as some other cases but I hope it can change because when I’m writing this is still going on. I have Asian parents, and Asian parents tend to be strict, and I probably land on the most terrible parent.
The story begins like this, (disclaimer I didn’t put my name nor how old am I because I don’t want anyone to get in trouble, and I was in a rush writing […]

Sometimes I feel so hurt that I want to die
That I want to hurt someone else.

I don’t know how long it has been like this. I really shouldn’t have a reason to be sad. But I feel empty. It’s been the same every day. There’s something really heavy on my chest or something missing. I can’t tell. But it makes it so much harder to move, to even walk. It’s suffocating. It’s tiring. And I’m really tired. I just want to sleep all the time.

I’m just trying to live my life as normally as possible despite this burden. I don’t know how long I can keep this up. Can someone give me tips on what to do?

look, I’m a cynical hateful shell of a person who happens to be having a very difficult to ignore good week.

so if you are assuming that down the line I’ll return to my anti life anti organizations anti capitalist apathy, know that I am too.

I still hate the cheery; “Oh, nice things happen, therefor they will continue” which is usually a terrible lie.

Which is the amount of cautious framing I have to do because if I say things are going better without that, my distrustful wounded brain will rebel, because we’ve trusted people before, and that didn’t work out.

I’m working as an electrician, which I […]

I don’t need a thing, and i don’t need nothing.
I don’t need grammar, and i don’t want confusion.
I don’t need to sleep, and I don’t need to be awake.
I don’t need your prejudices, and i dont want your praise.
I don’t need money, and i dont need poverty.
I don’t need wealth, and I don’t want the privileges that come with it.
I don’t need community, and I don’t need isolation.
I don’t need love, and i don’t want hate.
I don’t need your Sunday passion plays, and I don’t need your political Mondays.
I don’t want to have my cake if […]

I feel broken.
I feel worthless.
I feel like hell.
Because no one knows me.
I’m bottled up inside myself.
I feel like if I scream.
It could travel for miles.
My rotten self screaming for eternity.
Am I really that bad?

I’m so tired of my life. I’ve never loved anyone.  I Just want to disappear. Being alone for the rest of my Life.

funny, my 1st post a year ago asked the question if anyone has ever recovered from suicidal depression. And here I am a year later and deeper in the shit, even though Ive done everything they tell you to do. Medication: didn’t work. Reaching out for help: didn’t work. Get healthy & exercise: didn’t help. Stop drinking: didn’t help. Fresh air, sunlight, “positive attitude”, listen to music, try writing drawing creating: DIDNT FUCKING HELP.

I’m starting to think all this talk of recovery is the biggest scam since those 1920s cancer tonics. There’s no fucking cure for cancer. Some people just get lucky and it goes […]

Everyday I leave for school
A place where the world can be so very cruel
Everyday I lower myself
Into the endless pit of wallowing self-doubt
Everyday I play on repeat
“Worthless, Bad, Failure, Cheat”
Everyday I put on a smile
Would they even notice if I was gone for a while?
Everyday I get back home
Dropping the act when I know I’m alone
Everyday I want to die
But I can’t so instead I curl up and I cry
Everyday I think of why
Why must I continue being alive?
Everyday I find something sharp
To add to my collection another pretty mark

I’m am not doing good, I am not doing fucking good. I hate that I choose to go at it alone. How do I ask for help?

I’m already constantly feeling like shit but now i’m going broke and possibly a month or two away from losing my job. I don’t know what i’ll do. I hate that this is happening and I won’t say anything. I don’t even know if I can hide it anymore, my dad asked me how was work and he had this look on his face like he suspected it was not a good day. All I could get out while […]

suicidal thoughts are the only thing that make me feel alive. the only times when i feel anything is when i cry.

i managed to control my intrusive suicidal thoughts, i am doing much better in many ways, but now it seems that there’s still something like cptsd. it was there for over a decade, i just didn’t know that it had a name. and now that i am better at staying focused, when i get those cptsd triggers, they are intense. perhaps it’s because i can reach deeper into my memory, into my past.

i am not sure if i have the energy for this anymore. […]

4 am
Sleep deprived
Have to wake up in 2 hrs
Don’t want to sleep
Instead stay typing typing typing
Addicted to this bright screen light
My only hope and happiness
Don’t want to sleep
But I must

I miss you. I really miss you.

I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.

I’m sorry you had to go like that.

I’m sorry that you were trapped in your own body, unable to eat or drink.

I’m sorry that you couldn’t even see me when you died.

I’m sorry that we couldn’t afford to get you treatment.

I’m sorry you couldn’t get a dignified burial.

I’m sorry I didn’t treat you right when you were alive.

I’m sorry.

You were my only friend; my best friend, the only one I’ll probably ever have.

I miss […]

It’s official, I have a new job….. Never been this low effort getting in before…..

The temptation is to ascribe such happenstance to a higher power, especially because the people at the new job are…. religious. Nothing wrong with that, I’m just not sure if I am anymore. Which brings it back to the realistic anxiety; why is it so easy? maybe it’s a good fit? IDK, too soon to say.

The physical pain is abundant, and I’ve never been this into it. I have to balance between pushing myself as hard as I can, and making sure my ability to function keeps working. It’s a surprisingly […]

After my witless brother has decided to push another helpless life into this wretched waste he has embodied the possibility of the great Achilles heel to humanity, our own Fermi Paradox. To him, the huge infrastrucuture of cities displacing more of our already tarnished world wasn’t enough, that we now have to play popularity contests to get jobs, that a living wage is too much to ask, because an army of 8 billion has made us all disposable. That we’re killing the only planet we can possibly cling to for life…it all wasn’t enough to drill into his seeminly lead lined skull that having kids […]

I need to get out of here, but where can I go? I can’t have a mental breakdown in public, I can’t sit out in the cold, home is the worst, I can’t go home. I can’t finish a sentence. Nothing is removable, I can’t break anything, noises noises noises noises noises, I need to go somewhere, but there are too many things to take, a leaking box, for God’s sake. I’d rather crack my glasses in half. Bathroom. An Asian girl, curled bangs, tinted lips, stood and stood fixing her bangs like the way I did mine, walk half way to the door then […]

I’ve tried so many times to end the misery. I’ve tried all the usual suspects. I’m such a big fuck up I can’t even successfully take my own life. Tonight I’m alone, just me and my dog.  If I had a gun it would be over. One single shot would lead to endless peace.