I’m am not doing good, I am not doing fucking good. I hate that I choose to go at it alone. How do I ask for help?

I’m already constantly feeling like shit but now i’m going broke and possibly a month or two away from losing my job. I don’t know what i’ll do. I hate that this is happening and I won’t say anything. I don’t even know if I can hide it anymore, my dad asked me how was work and he had this look on his face like he suspected it was not a good day. All I could get out while […]

suicidal thoughts are the only thing that make me feel alive. the only times when i feel anything is when i cry.

i managed to control my intrusive suicidal thoughts, i am doing much better in many ways, but now it seems that there’s still something like cptsd. it was there for over a decade, i just didn’t know that it had a name. and now that i am better at staying focused, when i get those cptsd triggers, they are intense. perhaps it’s because i can reach deeper into my memory, into my past.

i am not sure if i have the energy for this anymore. […]

4 am
Sleep deprived
Have to wake up in 2 hrs
Don’t want to sleep
Instead stay typing typing typing
Addicted to this bright screen light
My only hope and happiness
Don’t want to sleep
But I must

I miss you. I really miss you.

I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.

I’m sorry you had to go like that.

I’m sorry that you were trapped in your own body, unable to eat or drink.

I’m sorry that you couldn’t even see me when you died.

I’m sorry that we couldn’t afford to get you treatment.

I’m sorry you couldn’t get a dignified burial.

I’m sorry I didn’t treat you right when you were alive.

I’m sorry.

You were my only friend; my best friend, the only one I’ll probably ever have.

I miss […]

It’s official, I have a new job….. Never been this low effort getting in before…..

The temptation is to ascribe such happenstance to a higher power, especially because the people at the new job are…. religious. Nothing wrong with that, I’m just not sure if I am anymore. Which brings it back to the realistic anxiety; why is it so easy? maybe it’s a good fit? IDK, too soon to say.

The physical pain is abundant, and I’ve never been this into it. I have to balance between pushing myself as hard as I can, and making sure my ability to function keeps working. It’s a surprisingly […]

After my witless brother has decided to push another helpless life into this wretched waste he has embodied the possibility of the great Achilles heel to humanity, our own Fermi Paradox. To him, the huge infrastrucuture of cities displacing more of our already tarnished world wasn’t enough, that we now have to play popularity contests to get jobs, that a living wage is too much to ask, because an army of 8 billion has made us all disposable. That we’re killing the only planet we can possibly cling to for life…it all wasn’t enough to drill into his seeminly lead lined skull that having kids […]

I need to get out of here, but where can I go? I can’t have a mental breakdown in public, I can’t sit out in the cold, home is the worst, I can’t go home. I can’t finish a sentence. Nothing is removable, I can’t break anything, noises noises noises noises noises, I need to go somewhere, but there are too many things to take, a leaking box, for God’s sake. I’d rather crack my glasses in half. Bathroom. An Asian girl, curled bangs, tinted lips, stood and stood fixing her bangs like the way I did mine, walk half way to the door then […]

I’ve tried so many times to end the misery. I’ve tried all the usual suspects. I’m such a big fuck up I can’t even successfully take my own life. Tonight I’m alone, just me and my dog.  If I had a gun it would be over. One single shot would lead to endless peace.

Why am I so sad all the time? Why does life hurt so much?

..it is truly only a matter of chemical imbalance?

I have been struggling like all of us with dark thoughts and the last months have been excruciating.
Were not for my beloved dog (I would never abandon him) I would have taken the last step.

I read on Suicide.org something very interesting:
“Let me also tell you that if you are suicidal, you probably are suffering from clinical depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, postpartum depression, PTSD, or something similar. And if you have something along these lines, you actually have a chemical imbalance in your brain — and you cannot possibly think straight because of it. That is […]

5 am is the time, just before the world gets up, even though the light already came through. Tell me, why did I stay up again this late? It just makes me feel more lonely. I’ve been waiting for you to tell me about your day until dawn. You’ve forgotten.

As of this writing, I’m 53 years old. My health is suspect, although I do the things for myself I need to in order to stave off utter decrepitude. I’m single…well, never married. Never relationshipped, to be perfectly honest, not even that of the overnight variety. I have lived, lost…no, not lost. Generally, I’ve driven others away as a consequence of erratic emotional stability. For 10+ years, until last year in fact, I was the full-time, live-in caregiver for my parents. This ceased last year, on July 17, when my mother succumbed to triple hit diffuse large B-cell lymphoma, with spinal cord involvement. By that […]

Hey fellow thinkers of doom. I am a 64 yo man. Never married no kids. By choice mostly but not early on. At a young age I wanted to be with another and was many times. Never worked out for long. As a teen I witnessed the decapatation of my best friend in a motorcycle vs cable across the road. It killed him in a fraction of a second. It changed my life forever. I have spent my entire life going from one dangerous obsession to another. At a young age I moved across the country to be in the high mountains to become a […]

It was only when I saw the coffin with the framed picture of the deceased astride the coffin that the reality of the situation hit me. Four words ‘this is for real’ ran through my brain. I had no emotional investment in the funeral, it was a neighbour, I had attended as a mark of respect for the deceased, so I felt sad for the deceased and the mourning family but unless it was someone I loved I wasn’t going to be overcome with emotion. When I had heard of the passing I felt bad for the family, I recalled the deceased from my childhood, […]

Hello Again,

It had been  a while since I last talked….I’m almost/basically worst than last time…I know it may just be me and my silly thoughts but 90% of the time..,it may not be.
I imagine what everything else will be like, but ya know what, I think it’s going to be another dream you cannot wake up from but when you do(wake up from)….you remember for a second…

all that fucked up shit…

and then repeat it all over…

I quit alcohol & drug abuse cold turkey around 2 years ago. Life seemed to get better after a while but now it’s just as bad as when I was wasted 24h/day. Maybe even worse. That’s what I’m wondering about.

A few days ago they published a study that showed some forms of self harm are actually therapeutic. Could the same be said about alcohol/drug self harm? I’m not talking about just 1 glass of white wine with dinner, but I mean maybe 1 hardcore blackout alcohol or drug binge every couple weeks or so. The idea is that self destruction in controlled doses might help […]

I don’t know what to do or how to keep going.
I don’t even want to keep going anyway and I know I won’t.

Everywhere I go there is another person telling me how I should live my life, they coerce me on what I should or should not do. Everyone always drops their worded baggage on me like I’m a garbage can and then I watch them do it to others. People seem so distracted from the horrors of this world; I’m so envious of them, but at the same time I am hurting because they are so unaware of their own […]

Things seem to be going really good for me right now. My boyfriend and I are in a happy relationship. I’m finally starting to feel comfortable in my body. I’m spending more time with my friends. My grades are good. So why am I still so anxious and paranoid? Everytime things go right for me, something bad happens and I don’t wanna lose everything I have again. I’m just so scared that I’m going to mess something up.