i feel like i should just give up.
just move in and bury it all deep down and try to be ‘normal’. just tell him “you made me so happy all my problems are gone”.

i have so many problems he’s going to know that’s bullsh**.
i hate being different. i hate being me.

i feel worse trying to hide it….. ill just cut more and try to get more weed and booze, maybe idk…. i wont have a job just what he makes….. i cant use his money for that sh*t….but i hate living sober
talking about it just makes me feel bad and regretful though….

I really want to help my friends.

But I don’t know how.

And this is taking me down.

I cani’t do anything for them.

I feel useless.

Last semester. Need to finish my capstone project. Won’t graduate without it. Scared out of my mind. Don’t think it will amount to much. Need to contact my supervisor from my last internship. Need a signed letter to verify that I did it or I won’t graduate. Really it is my fault. I’ve gone back on trying not to contact her. I stopped no contact a while ago. Thing is she won’t respond. Maybe she saw my last post and got mad. Maybe it made her sad. Maybe she hates me. […]

i need you. without you my life has no purpose. i have nothing. i have no family, no friends, no home….
i know its something i can never tell you but its true…

feeling like i am about to explode
so i can’t sleep
the pressure of everything
collapsing in on me
things i haven’t done
no one taught me
i can’t seek out everything
when i don’t know how

do i think that people would remember me
a year after i stop existing?
outside of my family
i think my friends would forget me
not that i have many
a lot of buddies
but not many who would shed tears
because after being isolated all this time
no one tried to have a real conversation
only texts for contact tracing

i had a good […]

Its is true and in this hell you have a heaven also. The rich and powerful, by human standards, are in heaven on earth and enjoy that heaven on earth building monuments unto themselves to say…I was here… after they die, yet, there’s more to it than that. They even build large homes and skyscraper homes to remove themselves from the ground floor where they see suffering. To them its not a part of their world so they are okay with the suffrage due to it being a norm in the group think society, when it comes to those without and those that have, as […]

i don’t know why i’m dreading going back to school, other than the fact I have a new roommate that i know nothing about. i can’t sleep, i can’t think, at least i haven’t given into my urge to cut all of break.

i feel like i’ve done nothing with my life. i’ve wasted all my time doing pointless shit and i’m not working towards anything because i’m just going to die anyways!!!

im tired of “living”

im tired of having no personality besides sad and sarcastic

im tired of being comfortable with sadness

im tired of not knowing how to live

im tired of trying to escape my negative reality

im tired of pretending im fine

im tired of being “that guy”

im tired of being that stereotypical nerdy ***** nobody would dream of

im tired of fighting my sad thoughts when they’re right

im tired of talking to people who dont care

im tired of watching greed, malice and ego be rewarded, no matter the field

im tired of existing for other people

im tired of being manipulated

im tired of having feelings

im tired of eating, drinking and sleeping

im […]

I don’t know what to do with myself anymore. I have been a person I don’t like for a long time, and I can’t change it or fix it because I’m just too impulsive. I say what’s really on my mind without thinking.. I don’t think before I do. I was always taught to use the traffic light method.. And my personality with my disorders is just so impulsive I skip right over the Red, and yellow, and go straight for the green and just say it.

I have talked to my therapist and she says to just keep journaling.. But it honestly doesn’t help. […]

Even when I try my hardest to keep my head up and be happier in life and have been happier. I finally found a love who is very good for me and he does everything and beyond for me. And gives me the absolute world. But yet, with all of that I’m still broken and feel like I’m still falling down this dark rabbit hole. I don’t know how to get out of it. When I try and climb out I slip down further and further. I don’t know what to do or where to go anymore. I want to just get in my car […]

why havent i just gotten it over with yet……

The people here are nicer than the people around me in real life. I feel sad when i read their problems and i wish i could help them. Its a sad but a happy place atleast we’re not alone here.

Earlier today I was looking in the mirror, looking at my eyes which have become more hollow and empty these days. Looking, it was obvious why;

I dedicated my life towards trying to make my fellow humans more empathetic, more kind, and came up short on resources. The millions of people who worked on this same thing, they are giving up. The forces of cruelty and division are persistent, and the defense has surrendered.

I don’t think we can call ourselves “human” anymore, because we are not humane.

Us, the ones so pained by the loss? We’re the canaries in the coal mine. The air has gone bad, […]

Utterly ungrateful: that’s me in principle, I should be content, but I’m not.
The medication I take barely even compensates the sheer lack of physical strength the human body has, but anabolic steroids is the best I can do. As for the mind, well, that’s perhaps a lost cause.

I’ve banged on and on about how humans lost most all physical potency to metabolically compensate a bigger brain. And I’ve whislted Dixie as to how our Slaveconomy disproves any benefit of said brain.
Imprisoned with a lack of toolage, mentally and physically, the system uses this to force my compliance.

I […]

I want us to work but I can’t see it…

Everything about me is problem causing. Every second you have to be watching out for me. I thought maybe I’d do some reading on being in a relationship with someone like me but…. Everything I read, even helpful information, makes me feel worse. Borderline sucks, they might as well just call it the “get it over with” disorder.

The highest rates of hospitalization, self harm and suicide. A stigma so bad the world hates us. Constant physical emotional pain.

The amount of work I’d be can’t be worth it. At any second I can crash. Becoming […]

Everyday I wake up the first thing that comes out of my mouth is “wish I was dead” and every night right before sleeping I say “best part of the day”… I am not a very happy person (obviously). However despite this I have something to look forward to to which I want to share my experience with the rest of you. And that’s taking mdma along with some magic mushrooms and let me tell you now that after spending 8+ years fantasizing about blowing my fucking brains out with a pistol what being on mdma is like. So the first time I did it […]

I want to cut i want to cut so badly right now i swear i was doing better i really was but now i just really really really need to  —- okay. I mean, honestly why shouldnt I? Who is to say it is a bad thing? Sure, its self-destructive, but the only thing I’m damaging is myself right, so why would anyone else care about this? Its my issue. Mine. Should I not do it, just to comply with some idea of health propagated by a society that cares more about functioning than well-being anyways?

I will be good to you

How to Commit Suicide the Right Way

How to Write a Great Suicide Note

I always want to help people. But despite this, I can’t even help myself. I always try to be a good son. I’m the good one. The happy one. The prodigy. I’m supposed to be smart but I do dumb things. I try to do good at school but I these voices screwed me up. I have no one. I always am good for my parents. My dad is always stressed from work. My mom has bad bipolar and depression. She also has anxiety. I try to help my dad whenever I can. I always obey them. They are kind, but the voices in my […]

I don’t recall how I came across this, now I have to pass it on like those haunted VHS tape movies.

Seriously I wish I hadn’t listened to this last night trying to sleep. It induced a sickening feeling that in a few years, probably a decade, my parents might begin their old age decline and all their hopes and feelings they put in me will wither away with them. And even if I’d have succeeded in not killing myself before their time, I’d still have failed them and left them at the banks of styx unfulfilled and even wronged. Unable to sleep rn, thinking […]