I feel so needy. They say its fine. They say its not annoying them. They say they dont mind. But i cant shake it….. I wish id just shut the fuck up.

I feel like this disorder makes me stick out. I can be standing perfectly still in a crowd of people all dressed the same, and ill stick out.

within a few hours ive had 4-5 triggers. i just started calming one down and another one pops up.
why the fuck would i want to continue living through this!?

6

I’ve been sober now for a little over 3 1/2 years. I’m 32. These last few years have only confirmed a big part of why I used to drink so much.

My eyes have been opened even more to all the damage going on in the world, both in the environment and within ourselves. What a horrible fucking species we are as a whole. So many egotistical, careless, selfish, over-consuming, seemingly know-it-all, good-willed talkers but will never make real change, parasites. I’m not saying I’m perfect, nowhere near, but fuck how can so many people not know that their day to day choices are damaging and […]

I don’t want to disappoint them.
It’s to the point where I don’t even care about my own health and well being anymore.
Although….when will it be enough for you?

When will I be enough?

What do you do when you’re socially dead? When you’ve killed the part of you capable of relaxing or enjoying being around others? Whatever capacity I had for fulfilling relationships or friendships is gone. To just be in the moment with someone, to relate. To let go. I can’t interact without this constant shadow hanging over me. I can’t bring myself to be likable, or fun, or interesting anymore. I was never exactly the life of the party, but when I was a kid I at least had some semblance of personality. There was still something inside my shell that I would occasionally let out. […]

I’m feeling sad lately. And I don’t know why. I guess it’s because I feel like I wasting time. My life is boring even with so much craziness I go through with people and my family but even so I still feel unmotivated. I’m sad October is almost over. It’s my favorite month. And I feel like I didn’t have fun in it. I didn’t watch enough horror movies, I didn’t eat enough pumpkin stuff, I didn’t watch enough football. I feel like I haven’t done enough. I don’t know how to make myself happy. Nothing makes me happy I feel empty.

People seriously fucking suck. Including the “smart” ones thats suppose to know shit!!

I’m getting so tired of reading everything negative about bpd.

They can point out its mood swings, emotional instability but it’s always fucking negative shit people talk about. You know it effects happiness too. IT’S RIGHT IN YOUR FUCKING SYMPTOM LIST!!!!!!!

It’s true, you fuck up the pace of your life once and it’s all over. I see now why Japanese schools are so strict and have so much of an influence in student’s lives, if you slip up even once in life, it really is all over. They’re not making it harder, they’re just bringing reality to the forefront of the equation. I left my hometown 9 years ago because of a condition, and trying to make any life out of the pieces is impossible. No one contacts me. It strikes me how competitive life really is. I missed out on some crucial experience time […]

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

It’s tangerine season

I don’t have any friends, so when my parents die of old age. I will be punching out my own ticket out of this horrible world.

Again? Again? I have to do this all again for God knows how long? Again again agaiin again again, the shittiness of knowing Im contributing nothing, she knows I am,  im just shit and oh god now i have to  pay tbose publishing places out of my bloody universal credit so…. Great. I shouls kill myself. I know thst. People in better places than me right now have. God knows ive got enough pills, or maybr even – stop. I HATE SARBJIT. Does she fucking for one second know what shes done? I wonder if she’d like to knowmy gf chucked me and told me […]

so i relapsed. but i was drunk so does it even count? fuck man. i tried so hard and i had gone almost a fucking year without purging. shit just never gets better does it

Does anyone know how to make homemade opioids? Anything that has the same effect that medicines like tramadol or morphine? I only have access to pills that are not prescription by doctors and alcohol, but I need a strong painkiller that also helps me to sleep. Any recipe?

its so much easier to be alone. i cant hate myself if im not bothering anyone. i cant be triggered if nothings being said/done to trigger me…

its easier without people…

Last night was a big crash, finally came to a head with the thing that I don’t belong, I don’t want to belong, and I despise anyone who does. The problem; I’m averaging 12 hours a day distracting myself. I do really well, for that long. The problem is I’m starting to be awake for 18 hours a day, that’s 6 hours I haven’t been able to avoid the nasty facts.

I can’t even read my technical manuals, because as soon as it gets to “preserve profits” my gut reaction is “Fuck that, capitalist swine.”

So now my solution is to isolate, to run away, and sleep […]

I’m not even trying to get high anymore, I’m literally admitting to myself that I’m trying to die. I’m taking the overdose amount of pills as an excuse to get high but in reality i know it’s actually killing me because I really am trying to kill myself at this point.

Don’t feel like celebrating

Me being depressed whenever my birthday is around the corner seems to be a trend that has been going on for the past few years. I remember me not really celebrating my 18th birthday a few years ago, i just sat at home with my grandmother (who sadly passed away this year) and isolated myself from everyone as to not be reminded of my birthday. I don’t care to celebrate my birthday because there is nothing to celebrate since depression has sucked all the joy out of my existence.

Today is my birthday (the 22nd of October) and i turned 26. It seems […]

…goodbyes.

Take care, Ayla. Best of luck.