Are there alternative versions of me out there in the multiverse? Ones that are sleeping contentedly in this moment, without this gaping hole inside? Ones that did some of the things I wish I’d done, and avoided the things I wish I hadn’t?

I need some way to hack into those alternate realities, and transplant myself into one. Any mad/genius scientists who happen to be reading and have a plan, I volunteer. God, to just wake up and find it was all a bad dream! That I wasn’t this pathetic isolated emotional cripple. To not be this insanely alone anymore.

Of course the simpler solution would be […]

there’s two sides to the battle going on inside my head

one side is the innocent little girl who got robbed of her childhood, handing me a match, trying to light my way through the darkness

and the other side is the girl who’s demons are taking over, using the match to light a cigarette and screaming at me to mark my skin one. more. time.

i could always use another blistering reminder of what happened that day

I realize that this title is in use somewhere out there, but this rant/essay will deal ONLY with my feelings and me. Nothing else, in my world I consider others independent NPCs, I don’t need to understand them any more than I have to.

I had something blow up in my face. Specifically, I suddenly became unable to give myself the promised reward for my work earlier in the week. How did that happen? Read on.

I’ve been on a quest to get my house clean and organized. It’s thankless work, but it really needs to be done so trudge on I do. Often, I’ll use little […]

25 years. At this point, I don’t have the energy to even write. I’m not allowed to think. I’m not allowed to sleep. I’m a mindless drone that spends every cursed second of his life working like a slave for the benefit of those I hate. I’ve held on this long, because I held out hope that one day, things would change. One day, maybe I would be free. One day, maybe life would be fair to me, and give me a chance for a change. I’ve been chained to these hateful people since the day I was born, and I thought maybe one day […]

Sigh…

I don’t see how I won’t have depression when I’ve had it for 34 years.
I don’t see how “things will get better” when things have NOT gotten better, only worse, the last 15 years.

Are we doomed to be chronically depressed until we die?
That seems to be the case.

Like how many people (%) have eliminated depression for good?
All I hear are people who have been depressed and stay chronically depressed, and those who have depressed that comes and goes, but it always comes back at some point. Haven’t really heard many who went from depressed to happy and stayed content.

Im fed up with everything and everyone.

Im on therapy but after it I feel bad phisically bc Im trying to solve my biggest frustration in life: life itself.

Im not excited to go on. I wanna break up with my bf and kill myself.

My bf doesnt help me, he wants sex and dont care Im sick. I hate him.

i dont understand, i want help and push him as far away as i can…..

Hi , I didn’t thought I will write in this site again , but things has changed and only suicidals could understand me , I escaped my hell life to start a new life else where , far away , thought people will leave me alone , but they are not , it is suprising how people could make a supject or problem or interest in things that won’t affect them , and should not bother them, but what could make a joy for a person who have nothing to do in the evening,  except making joy of someone else story or life , I […]

Me: Depressed for 34 years
Severely Depressed for the last 15 years

It’s been so long, I don’t see how it gets better?

What I HATE is when stupid annoying people keep saying shit like “things will get better.” NO, it HASN’T for 34 frigging years. And how can ANYONE see into the future and say “things will get better” when NO ONE knows? And when you point that out, people just call you Negative. If you don’t “think positive” or say happy happy things, people just blame you for being “negative.” Even other depressed people. Even in depression meetings. […]

Do what you want. Do what makes you happy.

Take these meds.

But these meds dont make me happy…

Logically I know but…

Is it really about what you want or what’s right?

It’s right to not cut. It’s right to not drink yourself into a stupor. It’s right to eat 3 meals a day. It’s right to not get high.

How can it be about what I want, about what makes me happy, when I have rules and guidelines to follow in life?

Dont get me wrong, I dont disagree with them. Its just following them, for me anyway, has taken away what I feel is myself. Not because I want […]

the process of my body switching from being completely numb to being so tense to then going back to nothingness repeats and repeats until i’m pulled so tight in every direction and aching in every muscle that i can’t even tell if it’s the depression anymore

Reality feels bad. Or rather, my limited perception of what is real feels bad. I have no insight into the ultimate nature of things. But there are times when it seems like my delusions about life on this rock are pierced by glimpses of deeper truth. And the more clearly I see, the worse it feels.

I can totally understand people who cling desperately to religion or ideology or cultural narratives to protect them from that kind of insight. My mind is constantly trying to do it too – to construct a narrative where everything can be worked out well and fairly and no one needs […]

Heute ist der Tag der Tage, dachte ich; vor ein paar Tagen, an meinem Geburtstag; da wollte ich es beenden. Das Leid, das sich durch mein Leben zieht. Hat leider nicht geklappt. Nochmal auf diese Weise werde ich es nicht probieren. Heute wird es drastischer.
Ich denke das ich schon mein ganzes Leben suizidal bin, nur hätte ich es bis vor 9 Jahren nie zugegeben; aus Angst meinen Schöpfer, den ich sehr liebe zu verletzen. Liebe die ich erst für mich finden müsste. Dich dieser Glauben ist passe und ich glaube an keinen anderen Gott als den in mir.
Wie ich in diese Welt […]

When I feel absolutely depressed I don’t ever cry, I just carry an emotionless expression and start drinking to fake some kind of emotion or put on some kind of  confident act. But today was different and it felt good, I drove home after a stressful day at work and just broke down crying, and it helped that I was by myself because I could keep crying without anyone telling me “You need to man up” or “what reason is there to even cry about.” I didn’t have any of the judgement, just me allowing me to let it out. God, that felt good. Fuck […]

I am completely trapped in mind and body. I been feeling this misery since this horrible skin condition ruined my life. I never received much positive reception in late middle school and high school. Before that I was so social and popular, my interest included theater/acting, singing. Unfortunately I was hit with the ugly at 14, I developed severe acne not 15 bumps but like 100 bumps all over my face. This set me up to be taken advantage of and verbally abused. People would call me pimple skin, ask why I had so many bumps
Over my face, even people I hung around called […]

I’m back to school. Back to seeing all my classmates living interesting lives, doing interesting experiences, socializing and having fun. All while i observe from the outside, since i have absolutely no social skill. I have no friends anymore. Already i had few, now it’s down at 0. The words that i said today to other people could be counted on the hands. I’m wasting my life doing nothing that i like. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t do another year like the last one. Nothing interesting, no one to talk to, just studying, day after day, it’s just that, with more and more […]

please forgive me, i didn’t mean to trigger or hurt You in any way

: (

english isn’t my mother tongue & i do a lot of transliteration in my head

i also haven’t really dealt with that many people in some long time, my conversation skills aren’t at their best i’m sorry

: (

NO IM NOT FINE!!! im pissed, hurt, sad, broken, crushed………..