Its not as easy as getting a hobby. Its not as easy as thinking about your loved ones. Its not as easy as just thinking positive. Its not always a matter of looking to god for help.

Sometimes, it seriously takes more work then its worth. And even then, it might still not be enough.

The neighbors to the right of me has been throwing trash into my front yard and into my back yard, as well as constantly tipping over my garbage bins, or pushing it several feet into the middle of the driveway so one has to get out of the car to move it out the way before you can pull in. The asshole has been doing that the last 3 weeks in a row. Garbage day is this Thursday and I bet you he will do it again for the 4th week in a row.

It all stems from back to the last week of […]

not to sound like a broken record, but man have these past few weeks been hard. i don’t even know what to type, even though i know i want to get things off my chest; it’s annoying. finding things to keep my brain busy, or else i might just lose the small amount of sanity i have left. besides, classes start again next week. i don’t know what to think, or what i need or crave. actually, now that i’m actively trying to think, i don’t really feel anything; it’s a bit like being self aware while asleep. i feel scripted.

I’m sick of turning the other cheek. My whole life, every time I was abused or mistreated, I turned the other cheek. Well, initially I had an anger problem, and dealing with that made me walk away from most fights. I think I foolishly believed in some kind of cosmic or karmic justice, and maybe there is such a thing, but the evidence is piling up that there is no equalizer, no punisher of wrongs, no avenger of the broken hearted and abused.

So this is me, no idea where I’m going to go with this grim philosophy. I’m going to ruin some lives, that much […]

Sometimes it’s not really about pain. Sometimes it’s about time. I’m old. Physically & mentally. I have multiple “health Issues”. Some are Fatal with time. No cures for 2 of them. I’m just really, really tired of being alive. There’s really nothing left. I am alive today, and I will be alive tomorrow. It’s because I cant leave my wife like this. She wants me around along as possible. I don’t think she knows what it’s like to be around someone who dies slowly & in pain. But she has earned the right to find out if she wants to.
I’ve been in situations […]

I’m going home. I’m withdrawing from school and moving back in with my mom. So I guess this is the end. I think I’m gonna be ok. Thanks for listening.

Lack of sleep is frying my brain. There’s TWO different posts about sleep. -_-‘
I started writing on it in one tab. Somehow I opened a new tab and started writing in there. Published tab#2. Closed tab #2. 30min later I see tab #1 open and thought I had already published it but the blue “publish” button is still there so I thought maybe I didn’t publish it after all. So I click on publish. And now I see there’s TWO of ’em.

G’lord. My brain is fried. And it’s only 9:55AM… -_-
(woke up at […]

Anyone else have CHRONIC sleep problems? I don’t mean have trouble sleeping sometimes or now and again. I mean have problems falling asleep or staying asleep almost every single night, and waking up every morning SO TIRED. And you don’t EVER catch up on sleep.

I’m slowly dying here…
I’m not opposed to instant death, but a slow drawn-out death is agonizing.

It’s killing me. Literally. I have chronic insomnia and I can’t f*ing function. I don’t just mean I don’t sleep well. I mean I literally only get 3-5 hours a sleep a night EVERY NIGHT. For over 13 years. And I NEVER make it up.

I am SO TIRED.

It’s like that Shining thing type over and over: All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.
Except it’s: All insomnia and no sleep make me crazy crazy CRAZY!

Anyone else on here who is also chronically sleep deprived? I mean almost every night lack sleep.

i’ve spent years building up walls so i wouldn’t be so fucking weak as i used to be. years convincing myself i don’t care about anything. and i really fucking didn’t. anyone could say anything to me and i wouldn’t bat an eyelash. until today. today my ex-bestfriend put me on the verge of a breakdown in front of loads of people. i’ve dealt with so much worse but idk why this time it make my walls come crashing down.  fuck you. fuck you for making me realise just how weak i am. fuck you fuck you fuck you. now i remember exactly why i […]

Not suicide related

Well I consider my mum a friend as well, although that’s family (is it weird to see a family member as a friend???)

Sitting here next to 2 of my soft toys (fantasy creatures)…
I have more soft toys than this, though.
I guess they’ll be my only friends…
They don’t annoy me, they don’t judge, they don’t bully…
They’re just there for me, just because.

(Now I’m not saying that humans should be there for me, just because. No. Realistically, why would anyone do that?)

*Sighs

(Also if I can’t be bothered to talk, the soft toys will understand that as well) 😛

If it ever came to it and you decided that for yourself youre better off without me, id completely understand. Id endorse it. Do whats right for you.

But internally id die and externally i wouldnt make it. I need you in my life. I cant live without you. But id die for you. In this case, literally.

So I dont know where to start

im writing this late at night,long story short everyone is  believing that im the bad guy in their lives and everyone including my family is starting to believe that im a bad persone just becoouse i have  a bad temper, but that doesnt matter that much…only thing that matters is ….I lost everything in one night and… im alone and …I dont have no one and im all alone in this world and I dont see a way out of this even tho people are so blind and I wish I never even existed in the first place….If there […]

i’m just so unbelievably tired in every sense of the word and i stupidly took a psychology course in college, last year it wasn’t so bad but this year i have to sit in a room with other people learning about issues in mental health. i had my first lesson today and oh my fucking god i felt like i couldn’t breathe the whole time i was on the verge of a break down, i can already tell this is going to be the most triggering year of my life. they all think i’m fucked in the head anyway, i mean you could take one […]

Cracked: If Anti-Depressant Ads Were Honest:

This isn’t a debate on anti-depressants. If pills work for you, great.
If it doesn’t, you might find this little clip funny/interesting.

Why aren’t I doing it? It’s what I ask myself every morning, and whenever my mood dips during the day. If I feel this hopeless and sad, then why aren’t I killing myself? Not only am I not killing myself, I’m not even making the effort to research and obtain my methods. It probably wouldn’t be that hard. I still have enough money (I think). A few risks here and there, but then I would be out of it.

Instead of feeling like this, or worrying about getting more work, or the seemingly pointless chore of self-improvement, I could be done. Over with. If it feels […]

I had this awful nightmare last night. It should be noted that I have scary/unpleasant dreams all the time, my primary consumption is horror and engineering simulations/texts, so that tends to reflect in my dreams.

After last week’s crash and burn, finally my former therapist reached back out. She featured in the nightmare, criticizing me for not adapting better, and when I woke I realized that if it was up to me I’d never talk to her again. I told my wife, got some pushback there, but what can you do?

There’s something I thought I would get, maybe that I used to get from therapy and […]

I always seem to find my way back here. It’s been almost a year. These days, the bad days have slowly become more frequent, the notion of just not being here has slowly become more appealing to me. So I’m back to share my thoughts, and seek comfort from those who understand the pain that no one else seems to be able to comprehend. I know I can make it through the small blips, I’ve done it multiple times before. It’s the storm that I’m afraid of. When the bad days outnumber the good, and getting out of bed becomes something I have to do, […]

I think this is interesting even for an atheist or non-believer in an afterlife state. There is also an ex-atheist in the documentary. The best thing I learned after watching it is the gift to be able to love other people and doing something meaningful and good. Perhaps another thing I’ve learned is that no matter how much misery we experience, the goodness of the universe will always prevail and the happiness we will experience will be much, much greater and we will see one day, Life as the greatest gift.