I could cut the tension with a knife. The pull is almost overwhelming but I’m an idiot and what is there in me that would deserve this? Too many emotions to contend with.

I’ve lost 8 pounds in two weeks, which is a lot considering I started at 119. Partly because I’m getting a good workout with the new job. Also, I’m not eating for several reasons, much is just chance of circumstances but then when there is food my stomach turns at the thought of it. I’m not anorexic or anything, I just feel wrong.

I want to feel special but I also want to hurt […]

Throughout my life I’ve met and connected with people that suffer the same way I do – that have an overwhelming sense of dread in the morning, or are waiting for the day to die. They’re all gone now. Moved onto better things. Better lives. And I’m still stuck here.

I don’t understand. There’s something inside my head – an anchor, chaining me in place. Why can’t I move on? Why can’t I get a friend? Why can’t I be successful in school? Why can’t I mean something to someone? And they can… Like it never was anything to them. Maybe I […]

the people that die are always the wrong ones.
the abusers, the exploitative ones are the ones that stay alive.
now that all the people which i cared about are dead,
all i will have to do is avoid all human contact,
to not allow people to ever get close to me, get to know me,
ever again.

All the people in my life insist that things will get better. That if you just hold on and try to live life everything magically falls into place and you find this thing called joy.

The selfishness of these people astounds and hurts me. If you were to superimpose my mental condition over my body as a physical disability, I would qualify for physician assisted suicide. There is not one time in my life I didn’t carry this burden. It started indirectly in the womb, it was reinforced by parents and society, it was miss diagnosed by everyone that tried to help. Bleeding hearts gave me […]

The world is sick. People’s minds and bodies are sick but unfortunately things will keep being like this because they are made to go on like this.

Thank you for reading these last words from a dying man.

All day long, I’ve been preparing to end my life tonight… and guess what? It’s raining! I laughed when it started. I hadn’t accounted for the weather! Now it’s developed into a full-on thunderstorm. It’s so funny to me that I am resigned to die, yet the prospect of getting a bit wet in the process makes me pause.

If I don’t do it tonight, I’ll do it tomorrow. I leave Earth with no regrets, or shame, or resentment. With the lot I was given, I gave back an honorable effort. That is enough.

You see, this is […]

Just went for my doses of antipsychotics. 2 shots in the butt, 1 pill and also some sleepin meds cuz ive always struggled with insomnia cuz of paranoia and my shadow guy.  Hadnt had a shot since i was in winnebago, but i cant trust myself to have those pills around so its gotta be this way.

Since my new apartment that i moved into yesterday, is across the street from a burger king. I literally stayed up watching out my window watching burger king close for the night and the workers cleaning before they left. Lol

Im so happy to be spending the 4th of july […]

tomorrow I am 18.
why this makes me so incredibly suicidal, I am unsure.
I’m mourning when I should be excited,

Two more months.  I’m not sure what the purpose is in setting arbitrary dates for the future.  I told myself I would give the ECT treatment time to work.  But honestly I don’t see the point.  Maybe I am just procrastinating.

it’s been more than 18 years since I attempted suicide.  Back then I didn’t set any sort of dates or things I wanted to do.  I made a decision, got what I thought I needed and I attempted.  Of course I failed, so maybe taking the extra time to make sure will help.

There’s nothing I want to do or try.  Nothing that makes me feel […]

Metamorphosis

As the wind turns and picks up a leaf to take it on its own journey, the same are our lives and mine. It al begun when i was child: My dad and my mom broke up before my birth. His present for my mom as I was born: a cactus. I love him, very dearly. My stepdad took his place. well not really place, he merely existed in my life as a puzzle piece that doesn’t really fit in, but was good enough to give the false image of an complete picture. He argued a lot with my mother, more than once it woke […]

The only circumstance where I can imagine actually ending my life is if I was afraid of something more than I was afraid of death. If I had a serious illness and was afraid of the pain, then maybe. Otherwise, I’m stuck here. I’m not physically impulsive, and I’m averse to injury, so I’m not going to do anything like that. I’m not strong willed and I don’t have a clear idea of things in life I won’t accept. I’ve already failed at everything in life, yet I’m still here. There’s no low to which I’ll think ‘this is too much.’ I’m already at the […]

i’ve been having a lot of sleepless nights lately. thoughts just keep racing through my mind. i really don’t understand any of this. i’ve been entertaining my darkest thoughts lately. i’ve really gotten tired. i deleted my social media. i’m just so sick of it. it’s been raining a lot lately. i like the rain. sometimes i go out and just lie on the ground and stare at the sky and just let the rain drops hit me. i’ve thought of cutting off two fingers on my left hand. i feel so ill. i mean what the fuck is going on with me. it’s like […]

It’s getting more and more difficult to keep going. I’m trying to at least clean my depression mess but I’ll either be set back or I’ll find something that will remind me of a horrible time. It’s not like I’ve had any good period in my life – the majority has been trauma. I’ve had a few friends but the trauma always overshadows everything good in my life.

“Middleschool will be better” and then it’s not, “high-school will be better” and then it’s not, “college will be better” and then it’s not, and I’m unable to continue due to a physical disability that threatened me with […]

This is it, if all goes well i got a few hours before it all starts kicking in.
For as long as i can remember i havent been happy.
Theres moments of false hope, only leading me to fall again. This saddness will never leave. This is the only way.
To those who helped me this far, thank you and I’m so terribly sorry. I love you all. You do not deserve this. Please let me be free.

I don’t know if it’s permitted to ask about these things, if not then I’m really sorry for posting this, but are there any sites that allow to talk about suicide more freely? I still have some questions to which I can’t find answers anywhere, and I’m not very smart so if I were to carry it out without clearing up the doubts I have left, I would probably fail, suffer some damages or worse. Regarding those sites, the only one that comes to mind is sanctionedsuicide, as far as I know anonymous ones like 4chan and 8chan could allow this as well, though I’m […]

“Suicide is selfish. It creates so much pain for those left behind.”

…yet noone speaks to the arrogant selfishness of those who choose to reproduce and create so many fucked up humans.  Where’s the outcry about that brand of selfishness? I guess it’s overlooked in all the cute baby pictures and other crap. This species and all its crap…the universe will be a better place after we eradicate ourselves.

I often ask why the ***** that hatched me didn’t abort me. I should have been an abortion.

I should never have been born. This world is not made for the sensitive, those who feel so deeply. I am only speaking for myself here, but I don’t think people like me should be here. We serve no purpose. Our sensitivity helps no one. All we fucking do is feel the pain of others and then our souls bleed. I want the bleeding to stop. But, it will not. Nothing I am – my sensitivity – matters to no one and profits no one. I want a […]

So now theres been 4 of my exes who have wanted to see me and be intimate. And i rejected all of em. As much as i want to because its been 7months since ive done anything, i really need to let go and just wait for someone who will treat me like i mean something and not just another option. Idk how men can use women like that, its pretty degrading. Like a person is always good enough to screw but never date. Like bruh that makes us feel like sh*t, just an fyi. You get your ego boost and we question our self […]