I have no true satisfaction or passion in life. I work, I go home, and that’s about it. No friends.

Why I work so hard knowing I’m basically someone else’s slave I’ll never know. I spend too much of my life doing things I don’t actually want to do.

I’m grateful for what I have, but I do not have joy. I do not have satisfaction. And I feel rather dull and Grey.

And I often wonder what the point of it all is. Why do I continue anyway?

My regrets, longing, & cravings wait for me at the end of each day, to remind me that everything is wrong, and sleep is for those with a clean conscience. I’ve ruined my life, over and over again, far past the point of recovery. So far beyond the bounds of morality that normalcy is alien to me. Nothing will ever be ok, ever again. How could it be, when I’ve done these things, and still think about these things.

And I’m not killing myself because I’m afraid. And the only way that fear will ever be overcome is if things get so bad that I fear […]

I have such an unhealthy attachment to this damn site… Had been away for years and I’m right back in the same mess I left. I was sitting here wondering why that is and it hit me. There are ghosts here of people who no longer exist. People who talked me down on more than one occasion. People who sent a tremendous outpouring of love to myself and eachother in times of need. Im not good with loss. Letting go has never been a strong skill of mine and the idea that maybe I couldve said goodbye if i had stayed here eats at me […]

Sometimes I wish I could just die to see if anyone around me truly cared about my existence or travel to an alternate universe where I could see how those around me felt when I ended my life. To see if my life was even worth living, to see if anyone really did care about me in the end, or if I was just a burden as I have felt my entire life. Like, would my family care that was no longer living so they wouldn’t have to an extra body in the house, would my coworkers or my workplace care or would they just […]

all this “knowledge” I’ve stored up, most of it’s fairy tales, magic beans and beanstalks, princesses and dragons.

Like I was talking about the underregulated days of street drugs, which are fairy tales to people my age, under 40, we’ll never know what it’s like to get really hard stuff perfectly legal, or only a little shady. Heck, even illegal you can’t get anything that great anymore, sorry to burst your bubble if you thought you could. Modern stuff ain’t patch on what it was, or so the old timers tell us, we’ll never know will we?

Same goes for alot. Like, almost everything

Retirement. Time was there […]

It is entirely possible I’m about to gas it off of a bridge. However, it is far more likely that I’m going to drive to the bridge and keep going like that was never my intent in the first place because I’m scared.

Prozac was cool… or at least a hell of a lot cooler than this. I told myself I’d rather be depressed than not feel anything at all and BOY WAS I WRONG. Oops…

The fact that I want to die and cannot make myself go through with it is laughable. What options are there for someone who only has the energy to let life pass but never actually live? I wish there was a pause button. Just stop long enough to catch my breath and come up with a plan wothout feeling overwhelmed by the fact that life is passing me by.

I feel like I’m in a long distance relationship with myself. Like half my soul is somewhere too far away to ever actually reach… Or some kind of poetic bullshit i dunno

*insert something useful here*
[…]

Are you still there?

It’s been so long

What has come of you?

There isn’t much to me anymore

I am a skeleton of the person I once was

If it was real, then maybe I’ll stay a little while

You knew me and didn’t run away

It cut so deep

But you are the type that can get on with anyone

I’m nothing like that

People look at me like I’m a mistake

I am..

Had I known sooner about your condition

Things could have been .. I dont know

Different?

I’m lying

It would have never been ok

You showed me love

Something I never had

Part of me killed you

I’m sorry for that

But I’m glad you got away

That was for the […]

I am nothing

My existence is empty

I only matter when you want me

You are only happy when I’m drowning

It’s not like anything I dreamt of

I will let the blood gush out

Until there’s nothing left

To match my insides

It used to hurt

Now I feel nothing

I don’t think I’m real

Please tell me this is all fake

Yea, I’m not the same

Maybe you’re the one who changed

I can’t do this anymore

So close to jumping out the window

I can’t think straight

Suicide on my mind every day

Forever 27

I just need to find the strength to let go

I don’t trust anyone

Demons my mind has created

It’s my own little world

It’s not real…

I hate myself for […]

That’s my central question right now. I had a wild couple of weeks. Being wooed and then immediately lied to, devalued. Is it my body? Is it something about my awkwardness? That I’m given to being silly, or maybe that I’m not professionally -there- yet. It can’t be that I have any paucity of emotional intelligence, when this ex clearly was lacking.

I just wish I knew what it was. How I could fix it. Or someone to love me despite it, if not because of it. Who’s willing to grow with me. We’re all just doing our best. I’m trying to build a future; shit […]

a friend was talking about OD’ing. if it was possible to for me to somehow get good “clean” drugs (not cut with other crap) like ecstacy or heroin, i wonder if it’ll be best to go out on a high? or do we die during the down?? idk how that works but would be nice to experience bliss for once before going. like start with ecstacy, then move on to harder and higher feeling drugs until the final dose. that would be the optimal way to go. but i wouldn’t be able to repeatedly inject myself since i’m not a druggie.

also i wonder if we’d […]

My husband is cruel to me. I literally cry “you’re hurting me” and get nothing but anger and a cold shoulder. I have been suicidal since middle school. I’m now nearly 50. I have been cutting myself again. I’m starting to plan for my death again. I know I need help. I want to find the courage to leave this man who makes me think I’m crazy. I can’t tell anymore, but I know I feel abused.

This is it… I don’t know who I’m saying goodbye to since nobody I know will ever see this. Maybe I just wanted to write it down.

I really tried. I gave it my all. I don’t understand how 28 can feel so old, but it does. I’m tired. I’m so tired and I finally worked up the nerve to do it. Didn’t think I ever would if I’m being honest. I thought I would spend the rest of my life just passively letting it rush by. Thought I would wait to die from some freak accident or old age or illness. I don’t know… […]

My birthday is coming up this month and it’s even more depressing than usual. Every year I get older and sicker, and life gets worse and worse.

Where is this “everything gets better” shit? Been 4 1/2 decades. “Better” sure af hasn’t happened yet, only the opposite. Every year is more hellish than the last.

Sigh. Preaching to the choir. Most of you are in similar situations. I mean different life situations but end result is feeling like shit.

18-Year-Old Delivery Driver Shot at for Parking in Wrong Driveway

I believe Americans should have the right to have firearms (mainly bc I should be allowed to have one should I want to S– myself) BUT dozens and dozens of stories like this is why I don’t think *most* Americans should ever own a firearm or be allowed to touch one. Americans are crazy, home of Karens and Kens, and dumb af.

It’s like George Carlin says “Think how stupid the average person is. Now think that HALF the population is even dumber than that!”

This isn’t even a horror story- poor boy escaped alive and […]

My unlucky number is 8 according to Chiero’s numerology. Pseudoscience, I know. Not that I ever really believed in it; it’s just an idea I have entertained from time to time for heck’s sake. But now I find it useful as a make-believe crutch to lean on. Useful as a confirmation bias turned on its head if I do end up proving it to be true by my own tragic example. Number 8 is what I’m planning my “cowardly” exit around. This year is 2+0+2+4. I’m turning 3+5 this year. Six days after my birthday, the date adds up to the number 8. And if […]

I don’t know what I’m looking for, but I know I found comfort here a long time ago. I don’t know if I’m looking for the people I had found before or if I hope they escaped the need for this place. There’s no way anyone would remember me. I was just a kid. But maybe if the OG’s are still around, it’ll give me that little push that I find myself desperately needing again. Some kind of inspiration to get up and dust myself off

Maybe this will fall on deaf ears… or just an empty room… but I miss you guys. I hope […]

Part A:

We’re continuing to stress test this thing. IF that wall wasn’t there…….. heh. Let’s just say we should all be glad it is. No particularly dangerous thoughts, I’m able to keep some level of control, externally it looks like I’m pretty well put together.

today though. Work is going nuts, and at the same time, so is everything else. It really started with a flat tire, which turned into my car not being capable of being driven because I need to have a lug nut bolt replaced…… I’ve never heard of this until today…. and I kinda started to crumple after that. Then my backup […]

The evil in me constantly gnaws at my mind. It’s not that I’m afraid I’m going to act on it (even if I had the capacity to), at least not in any real way. It’s that part of me wants to, and that’s one of the few things that feels good. The evil feels good. The rest of me doesn’t. The part of me that’s more moral doesn’t feel good. It’s just sad, and tired, and full of shame. And awareness of the evil provides endless fuel for that shame & self-hatred. Every bad thing I could ever have thought about myself is proved true […]

I popped in to the chipper. There was myself, a drunk, two other customers, a little Italian gentleman who I deduced was the proprietor and a virginal young girl about 18 who was frying the chips. I had to admire the virginal young girls beauty. The drunk was loud and was quite caustic towards the little gentleman in a manner such as  ” you have the best chicken hidden, don’t you? You’re giving me the garbage”. The little gentleman was a bit intimidated by the drunk and retreated to the back quarters of the chipper leaving the virginal young girl to handle the drunk alone. […]