Im writing this letter for me to get my thoughts and feelings out… the person this is meant for will never see this, will never know i wrote this, will never care i wrote this.

Dear abselom,

what can i say we’ve been through alot together. I was there for you when you wanted to end your life. I held you when you cried, i cried with you for you. I tried to make you smile when you were low. I was always by your side i tried the best i could to take your pain away. Then i broke. I was hurting and i finally told […]

yesterday i was drinking with a few of my friends and one turned to me and said he really looked up to me. that i was the most real and good person he;s ever met. that even though i do stupid shit i really care about others and am good at heart. i started bawling. i love so deeply and i do care but ive hurt so many people, caused so many problems that i just dont  see how that could be true. im very self destructive but that because no matter how hard i try i cant seem to get out of my state […]

i sit back and watch

watch my father drink his life away

every sip

every beer

another moment gone.

does he not realize?

realize that its killing me??
does he not care???

does he like seeing me in pain

hes clasified as an alcholic…

they say i am one now to..

as soon as i get home im drinking.

now its the pills..

i dont want my boyfriend

i dont want my child

i dont want my step kids

to find me dead…

why can i not get clean???

this high makes me calm…

this high makes my head straight…

this needs to stop…

help dont help me..

makes me wanna do it worse…

So, yesterday I had a complete break down at school during lunch. Once the tears started, the motherfuckers would not stop. So, that wasn’t fun.

Today, though, my mood has literally been a fucking roller-coaster all day, until this evening where it’s stayed pretty good. It’s only for one reason though.

I was talking to my friend, Ellie, and whilst sitting in the car; having nothing together in my head, after leaving school early I decided to inbox her saying I needed to tell her something (she was still at school), which she would then read when she got home. Of course, she read it and immediately […]

Not that anyone cared, anyways I need to vent a bit because I have no one to go to. I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost 4 years and she told me last night that she’s perfectly okay with dying, and she isn’t worried about anything, I’m not sure how to take that, she told me she knew it was selfish but she didn’t care. Is it wrong for me to be heartbroken that she said that or am I just overreacting? It’s like she doesn’t even care that I exist

I haven’t gone to college once for 2 months now nor done a single assignment, don’t know whether I’ll start practicing before exams, or if it is even possible for me to still pass this semester. It feels like I cannot control what I’m doing, like I was an observer outside my body watching what this forsaken fella ‘Me’ is doing. I don’t leave my place other than to get groceries or to go home and pretend I was happy with my life. Put a mask on, a fake smile on my face and act normal as far as it is still possible. Every day […]

Why am i living? I don’t want to be here i have nobody I feel constant pain everyday I don’t know what I’m doing anymore…

Well, I’ve been bullied for more than 11 years, 8 of them were really worse. It started all at primary school at the age of 4. For the first in my life I went to school. But after a while my classmates didn’t wanted to play with me any more, or I had the ‘not-populair’ role. When we had to play outside, I played usually alone. Not because I didn’t wanted to play with them, but how hard I tried, they didn’t wanted to play with me. This all may seem very innocent to you, but it was the beginning of all the problems I […]

I’ve thought about suicide a lot of times, but never actually tried to do it. Things get worse and worse every day, and not even going to talk about my luck, I always have shitty luck, everything bad always has to happen to me, meanwhile others get all the great stuff… Example: 1 out of 10,000 box is bad, and I had to choose one, I’d probably get the ‘bad’ one…

My grades get shittier every day, I don’t get sleep, and there is a girl I REALLY like, every time I start making progress with her, some other fucking cunts go there, and steal her, […]

I stopped taking my medication a week ago. for some strange reason I like the feeling of emptiness. I don’t have to leave my dorm room, or deal with the outside world when I don’t feel the need to, and that’s comforting to me. I don’t have to talk to people, answer my phone, or my door. I stay locked away in the darkness staring at this computer screen, drinking heavily, or turning to drugs.
its exam week and i have not studied for anything. i have not been to a full day of classes in weeks, I think about dropping out, but i know if […]

I don’t know what is wrong with me. I was doing well, I almost lost track of myself. For me, coming out of all that darkness was a miracle. I was on track, I felt like I had a direction, besides the anger and hurt and pain. I don’t know where else to write this, to speak it out loud, because this, my most recent and inevitable collapse, cannot be heard by anyone else. This is my only voice, the clack clack of my computer keys. I feel pathetic, spilling up the words here like bloody vomit, because I cannot be alone. I need to […]

I suffer from bipolar disease. This comes with years of depression and they always come back.
I’m in a serious depressive episode right now where I don’t even have the courage  to come outside anymore.
Everything has become impossible. Past friends have become a burdon to me, my family only a reason to feel guilty for what I’m about to do.

I just had a fight with my sister because I sometimes act it out on her that she is able to live a normal life. Now she is talking with my parents.
I can hear her them talking about me from my room. She is […]

Hello Sarah,

So you told me to write you, and the only time that im going to have to write you is while im in class. And you are lucky because I don’t like writing. at all. But anyways, idk what exactly to write about to be honest, but im just going to start with randomness and hope that it leads to something a little more than just that. So yeah, im really bored, and sitting in College English trying to write a 1500 word essay over a book that I definitely did not read. And the book I heard was actually pretty good, it’s a […]

I just don’t know how to continue without you. we all should honestly appreciate the good in our lives. I really regret losing you and now I lay here beating myself apart. I know that she needs her space but I don’t want  her to have enough to forget about  me. I’m so lost. I don’t want to lose you forever. I’m young and I can most definitely change fot myself and for you.  I miss you kim. I honestly don’t know if I can make it any further without your love. I’m sorry for pushing you out of my life. Forgive me please.

My mother passed away a month ago. I moved home to be close to my father during our loss. My dad is sweet at times but makes me feel incredibly guilty about existing around him. There was no enjoyment in his life before mom died and now there is no enjoyment at all. Everything has a dollar sign to him. He calls himself a man of god. I have never met a more miserable person! I no longer enjoy the days. Years before my mother died she was a raging alcoholic. I am finding myself phasing into this pattern. I have no one […]

Well, time for some sniveling and self pity. Bust out the backhoe. This is embarrassing and shameful to admit I’ve been this way in my head lately. I know better but I can’t stop it.

So far have had a fucked up shit parade for a life. Highlights include being locked up, stalked, threatened, suffocated, tortured, and raped by a psychotic sociopath when younger, years homeless including on the street, diagnosed when 18 with a mass in the brain, severe temporal epilepsy to the point I had hallucinatory mind wracking seizures every so many seconds, or drifted for hours in partial and complex partial status, blackouts […]

It’s ironic – how I can be so completely devoid of caring or giving a fuck about anything at all yet all the shit in the world disturbs and bothers me. I don’t want to care. I don’t want to hear or see or feel; no smells, no pin pricks no searing, burning from the barren bones in my spine grinding against one another. I don’t want to feel what I feel when I imagine the only one that ever touched me giving all of herself to a pedophile.

FUCK

Everything is wrong. Evil triumphs over good. Evil is rewarded. Good is swatted away like the stench […]

How on earth could I be fair that a 17 year old girl who is doing her trial HSC exams get pregnant, that’s not the unfair part, the unfair part is that she was so happy she realised that this child would be her reason to live, this child could save her, she was so happy, she was so ready, she knew she would probably be a single mother, but that was ok, she had support, she wanted to keep it, but no, she miscarried, she was so distraught that her depression became worse than ever, she began a month long bender, during which she […]

This is a little story i had which was my dream…

A girl is sitting in her room. It’s almost that time of the year again… She starts crying, checks the time, sends a message to all her friends and her boyfriend. She gets up, takes her phone with her and goes down wearing a fake smile telling her mom she is going out for a bit. She runs out forgetting her jacket into the rain and starts the walk to the train. Her phone is going crazy with messages from her friends but especially her boyfriend. She arrives at the train station and checks the […]

Is it wrong of me to feel tired? Like everything is closing in on me and I do everything I can to keep from getting stuck? But then I just think…. What’s the point, really? Is there even a point? looking back I can see why I am tired even though I’m just 15 I feel like I’ve been around for too long. Do you understand that feeling? I’ve had it since I was… 10 I suppose. When Sissi died…

Looking back when I was little, I was quite a happy kid. I had my mom and dad, in a small cozy home, grandparents came to […]