i wish i could be fucking drunk all the time

i am semi nonverbal i think. i have a very low word stock.

like if i’m typing, depending on the headspace I can go on for a while, have a back-and-forth on discord for twenty or more messages in a row on a good day.

irl/spoken has less stock. i can talk a lot about my special interests specifically but not really as a back and forth and it has my natural speech pattern which is probably hard to follow. and when i infodump it tends to be about convoluted subject matter and jump place to place. but i haven’t actually […]

they say they love you and they leave

they say that you’re their entire world and they leave

they say that you are irreplaceable and then they leave

they say that they’ve never met anyone like you and then they leave

everybody leaves.

they always leave.

everything is fleeting.

I’ve been trying to clean up my office, you know the place I spend 18 hours a day six days a week in.  Today, as I was shambling my way through it (the only state I know how to clean in anymore), I came across a length of chain used to train dogs. It’s a horribly inhumane little object, and most days I’m too soft to use it on my puppies.

I feel like it’s pretty obvious where my mind went next. I fantasized about ending my life. That’s how suicidality comes to me now; little bursts that no one sees coming, followed by hours of […]

Today has been fucking with my head, majorly. I woke up this morning with the following idea:

I think suicide is the greatest gift you can give to yourself, and here’s why: Have anxiety? Nonexistent once you’re gone. Worried about how those around you will feel? Doesn’t matter because you’re already dead and nothing they say or do can hurt you. Fear of persecution? What are they gonna do? You’re dead, they can’t touch you.

I feel like suicide is basically giving yourself permission to stop caring about anything but yourself. It’s the greatest form of self love, because you’re finally taking the time and putting yourself […]

I dreamt of a cub last night… they were very upset with me. It’s been a while. I wonder if they’re okay.
Could they let me know how they’re doing? It’s okay if not, I understand. I wouldn’t want to talk to me either.

We are not allowed to have chargers in our room so I have to give my laptop to the nurses station to charge.   I’ve shown them several times how to set it up to charge and several times they have not done it right so no charge.    How hard is it to plug in a laptop?   Yesterday I asked them to bring everything into my room and I plugged it in and placed it on the docking station and made sure it locked in place and bingo, it was charging.    they took it back and were able to repeat the same process and […]

I feel awful all the time and I don’t know why. Nothing seems real anymore, its like I never truly feel anything. Even when I interact with people in my life, it all seems like my experiences mean nothing to me anymore, instead everything seems so hollow (even though it seems like nothings changed.) I spend most of my days studying, exercising and reminiscing on past experiences for they felt so much more meaningful and REAL. Yet I don’t understand why I feel this way, I haven’t lost anyone nor have any major circumstances changed since then, so why I do feel so empty now. […]

Does anyone else wonder what it must be like to be normal? I thought I was normal once, turns out I was wrong, now I’m curious how that must feel. Plans, goals, friends, family, are things just that much easier when you aren’t fucked up?

the easy way out. it’s tempting. I don’t know. but i cannot step foot out of this house without thinking about my family.. about they might feel. I don’t want to leave them with my selfish decision. I don’t know what i want… but it seems so easy.

I’m tired. I’m so done. I want to kill myself because of how much of a failure I’ve become. My mother is mad at me and is ignoring me. My father doesn’t really talk to me much. My friends never text me anymore, only when i text them. Im failing classes. I don’t see a point in being alive anymore when everything around me is falling apart. I’m so tired of having to live. I’ve been trying to make everyone around me (in my household + coworkers) believe that I’m 100% and that nothing can phase me.. but I’m so broken to the point it […]

I should really stop coming here as often as I am now. I have been coming her for the better part of 5 years. There are times when I won’t post for months at a time, and other times where it becomes a thing every other day or so. I kind of want to go back to the former, but for right now I feel like the latter. Anyways I was just thinking about the baggage that’s sitting at the corner of the room. I did a coin flip to see if I should just get rid of it, but […]

I feel like I haven’t done anything with my life and that others have accomplished more than I have and live happier, more fulfilling lives. Everyone else is already engaged in and/or good at multiple things. But me? I waste all of my time and get nothing of importance accomplished. And I can’t stop because I lack motivation and nothing I do feels important. People always say that I’m a really smart kid but that’s bullshit. Maybe I was, but that would’ve been a long time ago, before I became an absolute failure of a human being. I’m not good at anything. My […]

I laid in bed last night thinking everything over. The different pros and cons of different places I would do it. The pros and cons of how I do it. I did some research and I think I’ve settled on a method and a place. Now I’m just waiting for the time. I’ve made my amends and I’ve come to terms with everything and this is the conclusion I’ve come to:

I don’t care who finds me, nor do I care what happens after I’m gone. I don’t care how this will affect the area, nor do I care about the people I’ll be leaving behind. […]

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

so i got thru the Ordeal™ of my partner’s birthday party and then their actual birthday. still healing from my freakout on the day of the party (legs all fucked up, can’t do most of my stretches rn), but that was an expected side effect. less expected side effect: started drinking again, despite the cals. dunno how long i’ll get to keep it before the weight shit outweighs the benefit.

took some selfies for the first time since 2020. considering posting one here like ElleInWi did.

Not so good sleep night last night.    Got about 4 hours per my CPAP machine.   Still in the Mental health unit of the local hospital until at least Monday when I may be transferred to a Residential facility.  Who knows because I have been getting the run around on the subject of bed availability. given my luck with sleep, medications and low blood pressure this week I am not counting on anything.

This evening the medication nurse managed to piss me off.     I have had a bad foot so walking has been a problem.   Yesterday I did make it out to three group therapy […]

…

I think I would rather take a bullet in the head than stand another minute in this place.

(Earth)

I’m so tired I would hit the ground like a slate of marble if it all hit at once