As long as there are profits To be made of others, Those in power will never let suicidal people end their pain. Profiting off of people’s pain is a newest form of capitalism…- somebody from the Internet.. kinda Of sucks don’t ya think. Sigh……
So, what makes me so unremarkable. Well, I loved to do art, but attended college for something that pays money. I became really good at it even though I tried leaving it behind several times. Because, we all need money. Every challenge I faced, I succeeded. So, no hardship here. I’ve got plenty of retirement money to not work for 10 years, I decided to quit my job and go explore. Literally, just stop working and see what is my purpose. Maybe I have one.
Just got back from behavioral services because human services referred me to see someone. I havent seen a therapist/psychiatrist since i was court ordered after bein in winnebago mental health institute for 1yr back when i was 18/19yrsold. Not gonna lie, itll be nice to have someone help me with my paranoia. She went through all her questions and i relieved alot of my past suicide attempts, my self injuries, my hospital stays. The tragedies that made me who i am today. She also assured me the docs there are super great and dont just dismiss people as if theyre incurable. So im actually optimistic […]
My family always called me a glow stick because I shine to them with my fake smile, I don’t need your pity when my life sucks ass? and I’m in love with a Taurus male. It’s important I’ve known him for so long and we both love each other in a romantic relationship way. So we are kinda just really close friends. My friends probably know who this is already I know too. But what do they really know about me? I don’t even know myself or who I am.. all I know is for a fact I love him, he loves me. It’s started […]
Disillusioned – I think that’s the perfect way to describe how I feel.
When you’re a kid, you’re told that everyone is special and that anyone can change the world, then you grow up and realize that no one is special. I spent almost four whole months just dissassociating, taking long hikes, one hour or more, several times a day and even at night, and I barely slept at all because of nightmares, I barely ate because I had so much anxiety. Now that that’s over, I don’t know what to do. I can barely walk anymore, well I can, if I eat a lot of […]
Eight days out from my next therapy appointment, and I’m working my homework. The challenge; why do i do what I do, what IS the point?
This is a good therapist, she ripped through my defenses that I like to imagine myself at war with these giant forces, ones that I likely can’t move. I’ve thrown myself really hard into that over the last few years as I slowly but surely felt greater and greater doubt about whether there is a place for me in my current career field. Not as such. I have already decided I want to move elsewhere. I have already decided that […]
I have so little freedom that I can’t even check my phone without overthinking it. Feared that he’s going to judge me for being “obsessive”. When in reality I’m either checking it because everyone has different time zones so maybe I got a message while I was sleeping (you just woke up and you’re eating *gasp* it’s obsessive) or I’m bored. Because yeah being obsessive and bored is the same thing.
My head is all stuffed up. I’ve been here more than I’d like to. But no matter how much I write my thoughts down, my head is still all stuffed up. Today was my first day of work. I felt worthless as usual. I walked around following some guy I was supposed to be shadowing not knowing what to do. Everyone I passed by was looking at me. I didn’t like it. Already on my first day I felt like I was going to screw it up. There’s a thing on my shoulder that whispers in […]
What is the difference between I want to end my life and I want my life to end. I am trying to figure that out because that is exactly how I feel.
I had been posting back in April my day to day progress in the hospital after I signed myself in after coming dangerously close to following through with a plan that would have definitely ended things for me. After the hospital I was transferred to a residential treatment facility 5 hours away which supposedly treated patients with depressive and related disorders. It started out well until I met the therapist and went downhill […]
It’s gotten to a point where I literally witness my abuser’s mannerisms manifesting in those I talk to because I’ve internalized their neurotic energy so deeply. I see the dynamic between my mom and I play out in real time between me and strangers. I recreate that dynamic. My mother has crawled inside my body. And made me a clone of herself. And now she seeks to make more clones of herself. I’m contaminated. And I’m contaminating others.
Well I finally got to tell my ex wife how I really feel about her and man she got angry. I told her she had one last chance and she blew it so Im done with her forever. She threw in my face that I have abandon our son because he is going to jail soon for his second DUI/DWS and a bunch of other violations. I told her to take a look at him because she is the one who did that to him. She then tells me she will never let me control her and live by my rules. First off she is […]
All I do is wait for the next day. Nothing happens today. Nothing will happen tomorrow. Nothing will happen the day after that. It’s such a boring life, and it feels like I have no choice but to live like this. But what can I say that I or someone else hasn’t already said before? It’s so pointless.
Despite not talking to this someone, and deliberately choosing to have no means of getting into any kind of contact, if I ever happened to see him walking down the street (which I know I won’t), the only thing I could honestly say is:
-Hey, it’s been reeeeaaaally fun talking to you that exists in my head this entire year we haven’t talked at all. Have a nice day!
Welp, guess it has to be that way. I just hope that I won’t die before he who is in my head dies.It’s sort of pathetic, because I can’t count the times I thought to myself that I […]
i shouldn’t be feeling like this. i don’t have any real reason to be feeling like this. or do i?
maybe i’m losing track of myself? i am forgetting to breathe too often.
maybe i’m just hungry.
after sleeping i will be feeling better. but what if few hours later i will screw up myself like this again.
hm i feel better already after writing this. how does this even work.
write dumb words. head empty and chill.
why would this site help me calm myself like this. it has never before worked like this. this site normally just makes me stressed. but for some reason just writing things now can […]
Really I do but I feel restricted. I know you don’t mean to and I know you’re trying to get better at helping me but right now I think what I need is breathing room….
Suicide postponed
Everyday that i suffer through my depression, i feel like im getting closer to committing suicide. It feels like it’s inevitable. I can remember being depressed at 12 years old. That was the first time i’ve thought about committing suicide and now 25 (about to turn 26 this year) the feelings of depression are becoming more and more severe.
I have not slept well for the past 3 months or so…im not eating well because i can’t bother to cook because of my depression, poor personal hygiene, not cleaning my room and living in the moment with no future perspective whatsoever.
I see no future for […]
When i was hospitalized over 20yrs ago fiona apple seemed to be my go to music to listen to.