“okay like
Took me a little while to realize it but what he’s saying basically is removing faith as a motivator in replacing it with a blind devotion to facts is similar to giving a child access to the internet and replacing their natural curiosity with an ability to use google whenever they want
The shift from faith to concrete evidence as the basis for reason is the beginning of a process which eliminates all intelligence from mankind

Same thing with nihilism

communism

globalism

transhumanism

It’s about heterogeneity”

“yes its what solomon is saying”

“this just makes me think, and i mean, really solidifies it, that everything has already been thought of and said

so

i […]

I’m tired of the lies. I knew it would never get better. I know it never can. But we’re all fed that same lie. Over and over. Until we rip out our eyes so we stop seeing the truth. We paint on a smile like clowns. We’re beaten down with the hollow words of those driven mad.

It gets better. It gets better. It gets better.

See a therapist. See a therapist. See a therapist.

Take your pills. Take your pills. Take your pills.

Those broken by the weight of it all. Driven mad by toxic positivity and hopeless hope. I’m tired of it all. I’m tired of being […]

I feel often as though I’m living in the shadows, the part of the universe that no one pays attention to because it can’t be seen.  Or perhaps a better analogy is that I am so dark that light does not reflect off of me.  Any intereaction I have with people sputters out because whatever it is they would want to bounce back off of me simply dies when it hits my surface.

I’ve spent so many years legitimately trying to make my life have some sort of meaning or purpose.  I have been in counseling for more than 15 years.  I’ve seen so many doctors […]

I’m in the middle of a class right now. We are going to present today. I don’t feel good at all. I’m not proud of what I’ve done. I’ve never been proud of anything I’ve done. This time is a bit different though. I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of my professor. I want to work under her for my final senior project. It’s a whole thing, but I really admire her. She’s super accomplished, so to fall flat on my face in front of her sucks. I’ve tried so hard for her […]

Do you feel better? You look pretty good today. Do you feel better than yesterday? For the past two days you have been looking better. Do you feel better? You want to feel better right? Do you feel better? Do you feel better? Is it better today? Hi, do you feel better? Is it better now? Do you feel better? Is it better? You look better, do you feel better? You want to feel better right? Do you worry about the future? You will feel better in the future right? Because you want to feel better in the future right? You want to feel better. […]

That’s what it all comes down to, trust and faith which are different words for the same damn thing. The truth is that I don’t know how to put a positive expectation on another human being. It’s beyond my ability at this point. Oh, you might say, but you appear vulnerable, right? That’s some kind of trust, one would think. The fact is that I don’t care. Curse me, you still can’t do worse than I expect you to. I trust people to be as awful as I can imagine, then when they are less awful it is mildly pleasant.

The fact remains; as I don’t […]

Similar to alot of posts here and elsewhere I have the same sense of hopelessness. I think for me I have done everything I could and it just seems I’m meant to fall off the face of the planet now.

I know people will say if you are looking for things to get better it helps you to go out there and keep trying new things. Yet at the age of 30 and doing the things I’ve wanted to do and just find myself failing at those things all around, I don’t see any other thing in sight I want to try anymore.

I failed in life. […]

I would never describe my life as a light.  I’m not sure exactly when I lost that, likely before I could even remember.  I don’t really have any memories from before I was 9.  Well, I do remember some things but I just really don’t like to talk about that.  I have a few memories of being happy but not many.  When I started to make sense of what happened to me I don’t think I ever recovered.  Maybe that is when it extinguished.. or maybe when my one friend couldn’t be my friend any more.  I don’t remember the last time I felt hopeful, […]

As if

I want somebody, anybody to be by my side… Yet I know I couldn’t stand anybody who is an actual human being getting too close.

That’s because this ‘somebody, anybody’ in these two sentences are not referring to the same thing.

I’d better say: I long for some kind of meaning, some kind of connection, a way to escape this feeling of solitude and despair,of wanting to die every day all day long, but I know this can’t be achieved by mingling with other people. I’ve always been alone somehow.  I’m at peace with the fact it will stay that way. Rationally, I actually prefer being […]

i’m not a real person

but i don’t want to be a person

being a person is worse

but each is worse than the other in its own unique way

Each day I ask myself ‘Why aren’t you ending your life?’ What I tend to come up with is some combination of subconscious survival instinct and fear. As long as I’m alive, there’s a theoretical chance I might reproduce. And additionally, I’m terrified of what might follow death. Although I tend to presume it’s nothing, it’s still essentially a leap into the unknown.

So, the next question is ‘Are those good reasons not to do it?’ To which the answer is generally ‘No.’ I have no intention of ever starting a family, so maintaining my theoretical ability to pass on my genes is utterly pointless. And […]

I don’t get the logic when people say life is hard, yet we are not allowed to complain, just grin our teeth, suck it up, etc. Worse is when people force themselves to always be positive, optimistic, & happy, at all costs. That’s a cognitive dissonance, that’s why it feels weird.

I think that is the path I am heading down.  It seems as though everything in my life has pointed me to this… Nothing in my life has ever really made any sense.  I’ve worked so hard and for what?  What do I have to show for all of this suffering?  A meaningless life surrounded by no one.

I can’t keep waking up every morning thinking that today is going to be different.  I’ve lived 14,000 days or so… why would today or tomorrow be any different?  Why would I think that “today I am finally going to make a friend”.  I have had one friend […]

what to do

i could browse discord or sp

i  could turn on my playstation

i could go back to sleep

yay

I have been fading, dissociating more, feeling more like I’m dying inside… Haven’t really been doing anything but sitting in bed all day, and wanting to just sleep all day. When I do get out of bed to do anything I dissociate so much, like every 5 minutes. I’m crying all day, trying to draw to keep myself distracted but it doesn’t work. I have lost interest in everything that I used to love doing, and I know its because my depression is getting worse. I’m not letting my friends help me because I feel like too much of a burden to go to them […]

And I feel worse.

Not sure what it is.  My talk with the Admission coordinator gave me a good idea what the place is supposed to be like.    I was wary it would be an drug and alcohol rehab facility and was assured that it was not.   She was honest and said they handle dual diagnosis however.  The plan would be two visits with a therapist each week and two visits with a Psychiatrist each week to monitor meds.   I would not be able to see my own therapist but they would share notes with her when I left.   They would also help me with […]

If I ever fix the shithole I’m in, I’m gonna be one hell of a genius.

It’s interesting the difference between time and recorded time.  Does anything have meaning once people stop recording it?

No one has recorded my life.  I will be forgotten even quicker than I arrived.  If I died right now, no one would even notice.  I’ve always wondered how long it would take someone to find me after I die.

The unexamined life is not worth living.  Certainly that applies to me.  My life is not worth living.  I suppose I do have a therapist that examines my life so to speak, she is at least aware of my existence and my thoughts.  I imagine she would notice if […]

We’ve all been there, haven’t we? People around us don’t understand and don’t care to. It’s too uncomfortable for them to ask the hard questions to try and understand why we see the world the way we do. They all just want us to be normal and function.  I honestly think this is gaslighting. Some may disagree. No one ever acknowledges how we feel. No one listens. No one tries.

We are wrong. They are right.

We are misguided. They are keepers of truth.

We are “speaking through our illness.” They are our saviors.

I’ve been in abusive relationships in the past, and I know all the signs. Abusers […]