Today is your birthday. I know it has been very long since we last spoke but I at least want to say this year happy birthday Kimberly. I can’t reach out to you anymore through letters and I know I probably shouldn’t but just this year it is important for me that I get to say this though here at the very least.

You wrote in the very last letter you sent me that you hope that goodbye was not the last goodbye. That hopefully one day the universe could bring us back together again. I held onto that idea, even though I told you it […]

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

does anyone else feel like whenever they go to all of these different doctors you’re just listening to people speak and literally nothing changes after you leave. Am I not listening hard enough? I try to actually listen the entire time. Am I just not listening hard enough or something?

So, as things seem to happen, we had a little collision between my private health crisis and the support group. The major issue/technique is called dissassociating. It’s the point you pull your brain back and try not to return to the land of the conscious. You can even do it while awake, and every now and then a therapist will tell you that it’s “meditation” and “good for you.”

I’ll grant, I’m a fan. When I first wake it is incorporeal, aware that my body has decided to be ready to be inhabited again. Then I fight that urge. Stay abstract, my hands and body feeling […]

My morning shower thought:

If you knew when you were going to die, would you live your life any differently right now? If you suspected you had cancer, and there was a good chance that it is cancer, would you go to your appointment to get your death sentence? What would it take for you to live your best life right now?
When you’re living life, you should always be doing something that you want to be doing in that moment in time. Sometimes you hear “do things that future you will thank you for”, but then you would be living in the future.
My question […]

there’s nothing more terrifying than returning to your body only to realize that hours have passed and you can’t remember anything that happened during that time period.  being co-conscious and watching an alter take the front when I’m trying to do something important is the most frustrating shit.  i’m the host.  i don’t like relinquishing control of the front (not like I have a fucking choice) because i am in control the majority of the time.  the worst part is that the particular alter that keeps taking the front is RARELY co-conscious so she literally just jumps in for 20 minutes, has no idea what the […]

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

(this is just a ramble )

Ever since I was little, I felt like was not wanted.
The more I think of anything , the less I can do. I didn’t ask to be born, and with time I have left, I will find strength to die by my own hand. I like to hope so at least.

I was given many things other people  would like to have, I didn’t have too bad life, but it sucks too much.

Does it suck for everyone? Do I get the right to complain? Who do I even ask that? Not even the people who suffer the most can know, […]

I’m tired… I could honestly just leave it at that and it would be correct, but I need to vent.

I’ve come so far in the last few years, done things I never thought possible and grown and loved and lost and loved again, unhealthy healthy, working and jobless, overall progress. And yet, I’m still empty. I still have intrusive suicidal thoughts on a daily basis. I don’t want to hurt anyone but damn does it seem nice to just give in and stop feeling.

I’ve always been more emotional than my peers, which as a man hasnt helped me much. The older I get the […]

don’t touch me don’t touch me don’t touch me don’t touch me

i can feel his hands around my neck he won’t let go he won’t let go he won’t let go

****** im sorry im sorry im sorry

he’s not really here but i can still feel everything

he was never here

******,  how have you found me?  how do you continue to torment me?  i haven’t spoken to you since late september

i will never be able to forget the feeling of a razor being dragged down my face

over. and over. and over.

it still burns.

I am at the point where I do not want to fail anymore. For every one item I get right, there are at least 12 I am getting wrong and doing damage to someone, somewhere.

It is not necessarily difficult to “get up”, “keep trying”, since “you are such a good (parent, sibling, co-worker, friend, student, insert whatever here)”. It is difficult hearing people actually believe that it is going to get better. For some, sure it does get better. For me, not so much. I have hope without faith.

It gets better only when I become available to assist with whatever they need. I hear them, […]

Hi, I’m 20 years old and I’m a trans-masculine person. I go by any set of pronouns, they/them is probably my favorite but tbh it’s the internet, I don’t really care. I’ve been playing guitar for 8 years now and I fuck with video games, currently COD war zone is my favorite. I spend waaay too much time online.

While I’ve had suicidal ideation since childhood, it’s been getting steadily worse over the course of quarantine.
I decided to finally make an account after using this site as an observer for about 5 years now, mainly because I think I’ve learned a lot about myself and […]

scared of the influence i have over others, and i wish i didn’t have any sort of power

you said to me that i’d learn to love you

and i did.

but, no matter how hard i try

i can’t seem to un-learn.

mental health go down

Hello, so let’s just start this off with a “I should be dead right now” I have no idea why I’m still alive. My girlfriends in the past have cheated on me and my girlfriend now likes someone else and hates me. My family told me to kill myself many times in the past and doesn’t care about me. I’m alone and by myself. I’ve tried many MANY times in the past and failed. Every. Single. Time. The closest I’ve ever come to death is a car accident in 2017 and I was in a 8 month coma. God only KNOWS how I came out […]

Hi.
I didn’t check on my post a few days after I uploaded it, so I didn’t reply to anyone.
I wanted to do so, so it wouldn’t look like I’m dead.
In the meanwhile I did try to commit, “first time” (I was anorexic in the past, I don’t know if it counts). I came out whole.
My dad beat me up a week ago.

I’m fine, my right leg twitched uncontrollably for a minute but now it’s gone. I’m not sure how I should feel about it though.

It started when they spilled ink on my table when I told them to leave me alone, […]

Ah yes, THIS.
https://www.cnbc.com/2021/01/22/new-wharton-study-people-are-happier-when-they-earn-more-money.html

I’m so tired of ppl shoveling “money isn’t important” to our faces.

—–
“Conventional wisdom suggests that “money can’t buy you happiness.” And well-known research from 2010 had shown that people tend to feel happier the more money they make only up until a point of about $75,000 a year.

But according to a new study out of University of Pennsylvania’s The Wharton School, people’s well-being rises with the amount of money they make, even beyond $75,000.

Money affords people autonomy to make choices about how they live their lives, Matthew Killingsworth, study author and senior fellow at Wharton, who studies human happiness, said in […]

“money isn’t important”
“money doesn’t bring you happiness”
blah blah blah

well being poor sure as f*** make happiness, peace, friendships, good health- all those things- damn near impossible.

-i’m sick and in constant pain- money would sure help in the health dept, as well as paying ppl for stuff i can’t do or have a hard time doing. or too fatigued or depressed to do
-i have shit neighbors that are so fucking noisy and i have zero peace- if i had money, i’d leave go and somewhere better. heck, at this point, i’m done with the US. i want to […]

This small safe place, this fragile platform I reside upon, held up by wobbly supports and stabilized with crutches, pull one out and see what happens, watch it collapse.

I’m trying to shut this one negative out without pulling down everything else with it. Splashing into that toxic swamp that is my past. I’m holding on.

I’m just trying to pretend I’m normal, not this thing I was mutated into.