i dont understand why you cant have partners or share methods here??? Like what if you want to end it but you dont want to die alone bc thats exactly whaat i want to do…me and this other girl were going to both die on new years eve but she killed herself on sep 15 of 2020 and im so fucking sad and mad bc i dont wanna die alone i dont know if any of you guys undersatnd this situation but pls hear me out…

Hey, new here. Confused. That’s all I can think lately. I’m stuck. I don’t know who I am. Am I the sporty girl in class with boy shorts and a random t shirt? Or am I the girl with nice necklaces and bracelets with a skirt and my hair down? My parents look at me like I’m crazy. As if I need to be told that. On Monday I’ll go to school wearing a mini skirt and a crop top with my hair down and vans shoes. And on Tuesday I’ll be wearing boy shorts with a t shirt and my hair in a ponytail […]

You can tell me I’m insane. I can know I’m insane. But it doesn’t matter. It doesn’t change the way I feel, just the way I’m treated.

it’s been a while since I’ve posted anything, if you saw my last post; I’m still in love with him 🙂

i’m not drinking much anymore, had to move back into my dads because of it. I guess it’s good I’m not drinking but i miss it, a lot. I never thought I’d miss the burn of alcohol, being drunk and not feeling anything; or feeling everything and spend the whole night crying. It’s a bad place to be in and i know i shouldn’t want it but for some strange reason i wish i was there again, drinking every night for god knows what reason. […]

That’s all I want, is one more second with him. One more second to be in his arms before the universe rips him away from me. Everything good in your life you deserve but he was the only person I saw light in. I wised away by the whispers that he left behind. One more second, I would be okay is only I had one more second in life. The time where nothing else matters except being with him. I can still feel him laying in my bed by my side being there when I woke up from a bad dream to comfort me and […]

“please don’t confuse me wanting your body as the only reason I talk to you” – ******, my abuser.

the person who said that to me is the same person who forced me to dig a razor into my face.  the same person who made me carve his name into my thigh.

i am nothing but my body and i have come to accept that.

i am good for nothing.

“i love you for more than just your body”

bullshit.  BULLSHIT.  ****** wasn’t the first to say that.  he was one of many, i say many because ~8 years (excluding ******) worth of abusers isn’t something i can translate into a […]

My parents are punishing me again. They tell me I need to be more responsible. Took my computer away from me. I honestly don’t care that much about my computer. It’s just that the demands they set for me are ridiculous. They want me to get out of bed before nine every morning, eat breakfast, and exercise at least one time every day. It’s such a pain in the ass. My parents literally can’t stand me and it shows. So what if I’m lazy and I don’t have any ambitions and I don’t care about anything. It’s not like that’s a problem. Why would I […]

Right, so I’m a little toasted, a little buzzed, so it is possible that things seem like good ideas when they aren’t.

Three months into this major depressive episode, and I’ve reached the point that the part of my mind which adapted to pull me out is trying to do that. Getting those sort of hopeful thoughts that in the past I would have taken at face value. No more, it’s not getting away that easy. I only ever trusted others assuming that they could be decent, and that delusion is hard for me to go back to.

Some of the things I do are reminders for […]

I’ve already posted this week. I’ve already drained my head out. Things have gotten worse. I can feel it pulling me. I want to die. I need to die. I often have moments of extreme anger and aggression. I think about it for a moment and I realize it comes from the fact that I feel like I have no control over my life. The thing is if I think about it a bit more, I realize I am in complete control of my life. I am pathetic and worthless and won’t amount to anything because […]

I am already out of Solutions. Even my attempts failed. Got over Drugs, yeah I made that for now but I need Help. I can not go to Psychic Ward due COVID, I can not go there because I would lack Sport. Beautiful Human, but I can not feel them, even when they try hard. I could have a Date next Week but how can I make it without crying? Crying again Nightly like there is nothing left, trying to keep it down so I could sleep. Forgetting what I see during sleep, barely productive during the Day. Can not make me Happy. I am […]

I want to know you actually love me.

All I do is lay here. I was laying here in the past, I will be in the future, and I’m laying here now. I don’t know why I’m so drawn to toxicity. Look at me now dad, are you proud. Look at what you’re daughter has done with her life because you we’rent there to show an example of how a man should treat me. Now all I’m doing is laying. It’s better now or never. That’s what my grandma told me when I wanted to face my fears. But my biggest nightmare is coming true. I’m becoming my own worst enemy and I’m […]

lol^

Life is a process of discomfort. Rarely excruciating, but always threatening. Toothache, backache, stomach ache, headache. Heartache. There is always something that hurts. And it only gets worse as you get older. Things wear down, and reach a point where there’s no recovery. And then you’re just stuck with the ache – this nagging reminder that your body is slowly falling apart. And part of me just wants to be free of it. But never enough to actually end it. To overcome the delusional parts that still want to live. So instead I lie, wallowing in my pain. And look for ways to temporarily numb […]

The onky thing I have that confirms that I’m still alive is physical pain. Honestly… didn’t I already die? Why can I still move

Everyone just laughs at me. Any attempt I make at anything is just laughable. Why should I even try? I’m tired of trying. I’ll never be enough. Not for me. Not for anyone else.

My mother tells me I need to help her out more. I can’t even get out of bed and she expects me to take out the trash and walk the dog. I think my mother hates me. I think everyone hates me. The only person that I’ve ever met […]

“don’t do that you’ll burn the house down”

Oh! You mean that thing I take extra precautions to avoid because I’m scared shitless of it to the point I thought of putting all my stuff in a brick building?

I’m not stupid so stop fucking treating me like I am. I swear everything I bring up “don’t do that” just shut up. I’m done telling you stuff, because I’m done hearing it.

I’M NOT FUCKING STUPID!

I’m allergic to peas (I know stupid allergy lol). Anyway it was something we’ve known since I was very very little. My ‘father’ (take it for what it’s worth. He lies about the sky being blue I swear) said that, they have been putting peas in my food WITHOUT TELLING ME and saying that I’m fine. First of all, you knew I was allergic and you didn’t tell me!!!!!?? Granted, it wasn’t a horrible allergy. My face got puffy, red, felt weird, that’s about it. I got over it fine on my own. I mean, for all they know I could have gotten more allergic […]

Last Night, I was again surrounded by Voices trying to have full Conversations with me. Before going to Bed, a Face, someone I adore and hate the same, been shifting Mimics. I heard her Voice, but many thing I percieved been thoughts, no Voices. I started to cry many Times in Moments of Hope, in Moments of Despair, in Pain and due my Weakness. I‘m telling me that dying Assistance is the Way to go but I am not proactively desiring it, I don‘t like the farce but suffering short or suffering a whole, it is the whole because the world is obsolete when everything […]

I can’t remember exactly which classes now but I do remember being highly annoyed/pissed off.

Gr10. Choosing my classes for gr11. I had everything perfectly picked out in an OCD overthinking fashion. I had my classes planned out so I could get my credits for school and so I could learn what I needed to for my before highschool decided career. I had EXACTLY what I needed.

My homeroom teacher: you’re too smart for work place math. Pick something else.

If I’m too smart for it don’t you think I’ve thought of that? I’m opening a business, why the fuck do I need calc!?

And my parents (specifically my […]

There’s this one song called “Saturn”, by Sleeping at last. I find it so fucking beautiful. I don’t know how many of you will see this, bother to listen to it, or if you’ll actually like it but I wanted to share.