I feel like very little focus has been given by society to the question of how to cope with having to give up on one’s deepest needs/desires/longings. The assumption always seems to be that with the right fix, the right help, everything is achievable, for everybody. And I just don’t think that’s the case.

Sometimes, there are things that feel crucially important that you just can’t pursue, without compromising other fundamental needs, or putting the wellbeing of others at risk. And acknowledging that to yourself doesn’t stop the longing for those things. It doesn’t make the pain go away.

Example – a significant part of me deeply […]

my ambition is shot,
and my focus on arranging things is also shot.

I bet 90% of people here won’t ever do it.

okay, so I got a yes, BUT

it’s dependant on what my last post remembers about me

and my anxiety goes into OVERDRIVE

right, so here’s what’s going on. I got a heads up email earlier today, 3 PM “Are you still interested in the position”

to which I replied that I was

and they said that they needed the names of my previous supervisor and district director. And maybe that sounds like a perfectly okay thing, and not like a sample of my liver when I had a shot of suspect whiskey last night….

but, my last post didn’t end well guys. Essentially I was backed into a corner and […]

oh, im just loving it. i can’t wait to meet my end. nothing can be fixed anymore. it’s time for it to all go to shit. i’ve always wanted this. excited as hell to take it all down with me.

Okay well here goes. To whoever is reading. I’m not okay. Not at all. Not right now. Probably won’t be when I wake up. Probably won’t be some days from now. Depends where i am, who’s with me and what’s in me. I can’t do normal people stuff anymore. I can’t do small talk comfortably. I’d rather sit on my own where no one can see me, no one knows where I am so I don’t have to face any questions. Why are you quiet today? Are you okay? Why do you look like that? Why? Why? Why. makes me feel bad for him. He […]

BPD with ASPD traits. That’s my diagnosis. Some of you asked. Now you know.

Dear Death,

You don’t care about just, you don’t care about fair,
You take everyone, the good, the bad, the old but also young in fair share,
So why not just take me?
Come near me, come at me, come take me – why should that not be?

Fear of you has controlled me far too long
But now this feeling is done,
Drowned out by the pain of
Existing in this dump, just shove
Me into the void.
No pain, no more being around toyed.
Just nothing,
Non-becoming.

Death, you don’t mind,
whose soul to spare and whose to unwind.
So why not just take one,
That […]

Feeling like every day I dread this damn exercise program. I get so irritated. Problems with my car, ultimatum on my weight loss, arguments and the constant yelling at me for various things, even though he’s trying to help me.

I don’t know if I can even keep this up. This shit is really driving me mad. Not even sure what I can do at this point.
This damn diet, the exercise, the constant do betters and use your brain and critically think. It’s really pissing me off.

I’m going to have to find a 2nd job on top of all of […]

Round and round it goes. I’ve learned a lot. I don’t know if any of it is true.

I still seek, in a desperate, physical sense, some kind of “miracle”. Somewhere out there is The Truth that will set me free from all of this… there’s a right configuration of thoughts and beliefs that will unlock my potential, just like that… You would think that somebody who studied cults as a hobby would know better, that I would have internalized the knowledge that there is no such thing as absolution, that it’s all smoke and mirrors, nothing more than chemical manipulation…

I’m nothing. I’m nobody. I hate them all anyway. I hate what I am. I hate this whole fucking thing. And if I continue, I will keep suffering.

I hate them. I hate them fucking all.

weekend has almost past, in about seven hours I will collapse into the bed, and hopefully know nothing until I wake up and it’s Monday, and then there’s potential for news again. People actually show up for work again. It isn’t a holiday (Though apparently the Monday after Easter IS?! FFS, people love their holidays eh?)

so first thing, that interview I went on last Thursday, there’s potential to get news back on that, positive or negative, I’m leaning positive, they need people bad and it seemed like they liked me. Of course I can be wrong.

There are also a lot of other jobs I have […]

Every “morning” when I wake up, I long to just go back to sleep again, not feeling this.
Every “morning” when I get up, my first listless steps wander to my desk, preparing some “medicine” to dull my thoughts.
Every “morning” when I start the day, I start it with trying to kill those bottled-up feelings, that can’t get out but are killing me inside.

I don’t know what I’m doing with my life.
I don’t know why I am even still here.
No clue what to do next or how to go on – how to even make it through the day.

There is so much […]

Every now and then I get an explicit reminder of what I spend my life trying to deny. That no one will ever be able to accept me, or love me, without me deceiving them about who I am on a fundamental level. That no matter whose company I spend my time in, or who I may share some level of physical intimacy with, I will always feel utterly alone, and isolated. There is no solution for this longing I feel – for acceptance, emotional intimacy, mutual connection. To be actually seen by another human being, and valued. To be able to lower my guard […]

[Keep Scrolling Down, Don’t Respond]

I went to a birthday party today inside of a Masonic Temple for a spooky girl I didn’t know. I didnt even really know the person who took me there. It was pretty much a complete stab in the dark. It was half fun, half terrifying. I couldn’t really talk to anyone until I got drunk.

I have like zero social skills.

And people were fucking in the temple room with the books & spears & thrones and shit. And I felt jealous because I don’t fuck anyone, and really can’t.

Can’t talk. Can’t fuck. Can’t relate. Can’t connect.

I must’ve already died and this […]

There’s a lot of sayings about how you don’t realize something’s bad until it’s too late. Like slowly boiling a frog or something. Or not realizing you might drown until the water reaches your knees. Things haven’t been so bad. I haven’t really felt it until this week. I thought I managed to get a hang of all this grad student stuff, but then I step back and look at it and the only thing that rings in my head is “you don’t belong here”. Over and over and over again. I know it. Everyone in the lab […]

all of it is made up in my head and it’s barely ever positive. i only have work to look forward to. i want interesting friendships and relationships, i want creative fulfillment, and i want to be informed/be useful. this is all a start.

I havent used this space since last year, that’s pretty shocking… Around the same time as well, March 3rd, 2023, was the last time.

Nothing else really changed, i assume it got worse but that’s just my silly brain sometimes. It sucks having strong emotions and no place to put them into, and I feel like that’s something people can relate to in a sense that life progresses. Life is such a funny word to me, and I get bored thinking about it. So it’s been awhile since I’ve been on here, but it still remains comforting (the same way it always was yk?)

Most ppl live for their loved ones- family/spouse/children/SO. Hell, even their pet.
Most ppl live bc they have a good life. And if they don’t,
Most ppl live bc they have hope- of a future good life, of good things to come.

What do you do when you have none? No love, No hope, Nothing.
(And no, death isn’t even an option as it’s incredibly hard to pull off successfully without pain and chance of permanent damage).

I don’t know what I have to do to just feel ok.

I’m trying so hard to fix myself, but this feeling just never goes away no matter how hard I try.

I either feel completely empty or just pain. It’s like when I try to go out with my friends and have fun I feel ok in the moment, but i’m just distracting myself and the moment i’m alone again I get this heavy feeling in my chest and I just can’t be content I need to distract myself. I started smoking weed for fun but now it’s been a few […]