You can feel it.  The overwhelming dread of it all, the persistent paranoia; draped upon your shoulders like a cloak.  It seems to swallow you whole.  It’s what makes you sit down in the shower, wailing into your folded arms as the painfully hot water falls onto your back.  It’s the tactile hallucinations of someone standing right behind you, watching you.  It makes you feel like you’re delusional, like you can’t tell anybody or even begin to explain any of it.  They wouldn’t understand.   It’s the same thing that forces you to battle yourself into staying awake as long as possible so that you […]

…sucks.

Please just know that I’m here if you want to talk. Sorry if I’ve been distant this last week.
I’m so thrilled and happy to know that you’re still alive. I want you to stay that way. If you need space, I understand. Just know that I’m always around.

I love you.
El

It was vertigo. A heady, insuperable longing to fall. We might also call vertigo the intoxication of the weak. aware of his weakness, a man decides to give in rather than stand up to it. He is drunk with weakness, wishes to grow even weaker, wishes to fall down in the middle of the main square in front of everybody, wishes to be down, lower than down.

I’m back on here. I thought i was doing better than i was 2 weeks ago, but in reality i’m not. I finally got diagnosed with depression 5 days ago. i already knew that i had it but i guess it’s a good thing i officially know.  I just feel so tired. None of my hobbies make me happy anymore, i don’t understand why. I finally started cleaning my room but i don’t want to finish it, that feels like too much work. I still can’t go a day without thinking about death or suicide. I want to die the only reason i haven’t gone […]

one of my biggest coping mechanisms is songwriting, so I thought I might share something I’m working on.  it can be read like poetry I guess,  it communicates a lot of the feelings I have about my recent abuser.  even though its in present tense, the song is referring to past events.  im no longer in contact with my abuser and am on complete social lockdown.

verse a
euphoria
it’s so possesing
can’t stop myself
from obsessing
you hold me close
just to bruise me
why is your love
so confusing

pre-chorus
i’m supposed to feel safe here
but everything’s so cold
you get me so high […]

For the way my life has turned out, it would’ve been so much better if he wasn’t a controlling, manipulative, arrogant, narcissistic,greedy, cheap piece of sh*t

I keep trying to do better with my life. I keep getting kicked back down. I took a huge step back (or step forward) and bought rope which I haven’t tied yet. I keep thinking more and more about a bridge about an hour from me that is a popular spot for jumpers. The fall is not what scares me it’s what my family will think about me if I do this. I have no notes written at this point and don’t know if I will. Just tired of this life that I have been dealt. My kids deserve better than this they truly do.

this afternoon I started to pull up. Not significantly, there’s still no hope. The thing is, it doesn’t matter. I’m not invested in hope, it’s those other poor suckers. Tough luck for them, huh? Oh well, that’s life, and often enough death.

The metaphor I keep coming to is trying to make sense and come to peace with my prison. Granted I am technically a free man. Yet, I have no representation in government, nor freedom of movement, or even the freedom to do as I please with the things I own. I am as kept as an ambitious young man can be… and that’s the […]

the disgust.  the self shaming and hatred.  it kills me.  because of the nature of the abuse i’ve endured, i’m left with a body devoid of purity, a husk adorned with scars and tainted with contempt.  i am repulsed.  i am repulsed with myself, i am repulsed by sexuality because it has not been presented to me as a loving gift, but a weapon.  a weapon to degrade me and disintegrate any sense of dignity i had left.  a weapon to steal away the power from me, to leave me as nothing but a puppet.  a slave.  reduced to an object.  discarded once they’ve tortured […]

i didn’t wake up instantly, i didn’t wake up at peace or quietly.

as i was waking up, i felt confused, i kept wondering: what is this? is this a good thing or a bad thing?

Her eyes and words are so icy
Oh but she burns
Like rum on the fire
Hot and fast and angry as she can be
I walk my days on a wire.
It looks ugly, but it’s clean,
Oh momma, don’t fuss over me.
The way she tells me I’m hers and she is mine
Open hand or closed fist would be fine
The blood is rare and sweet as cherry wine.
Calls of guilty thrown at me
All while she stains
The sheets of some other
Thrown at me so powerfully
Just like she throws with the arm of her brother.
But I want it
It’s a crime

I wish I had any friends left. It’s my fault. My marriage is so empty and painful and I’ve isolated myself from everyone else. I’m chronically ill and in this weird limbo where my illnesses keep me from being able to work very much and being eligible for disability which has been a huge pain in the ass applying for. I’m going to have to get a lawyer to fight for me and it’s going to take forever before I even know if I’ll get it or not. Who knows if it’ll even be enough to survive on. I barely exist at this point. Everything […]

This may sound like a critical post, which is unfair. Yet at the same time, this is coming from a dream where the world can be bettered when it comes to acceptance and belonging.

One of the biggest things that I dislike is when people are quick to see jealously as a toxic emotion that shouldn’t be expressed, and if you dare to express it, you need to be shunned. The thing is, jealously is portrayed as this insidious emotion that is used by those who only wish to manipulate and cause pain. It’s seen as something used by those with no empathy.

But the thing is, […]

Hello insomnia, again.  This is sort of a non-specific rant, about nothing.  Today’s Valentines day, and here I am, pouring out my heart to SP.  Wonderful. Maybe I’ll buy it some flowers and am box of chocolates. What a stupid tradition, right up there with the World War 1 xmas truce – let’s stop killing one another and exchange gifts for one evening.  There was a nasty ice storm here night before last. The power has been out for a while and I am unable to relax enough to sleep while wearing twenty pounds of clothes.  […]

The title pretty much explains it. I cant tell anyone Im suicidal and how bad my depression is. My parents are abusive, and they already yell at me for being lazy. To top it off, my mum believes that depression is caused by too much screen time, which is the most ridiculous thing I have heard in a long time. Technology is the only thing keeping me alive. Its almost laughable how my parents say I can tell them anything but then they re like this. I do have friends but if I told them they would probably tell my parents. I ve tried talking […]

i want to lay down, wrap myself in my blankets and sleep forever… but i fear what waits for me on the other side of my slumber.  the things i experience when i dream.  they continue to plague me, night after night.  my mother is making me take a magnesium supplement to help with my sleep (note: I am a VERY small person, this will be important in a second). all it’s done so far has been give me a stomach upset.  i highly doubt a sour magnesium drink that Maya Rudolph does commercials for is going to cure my c-ptsd induced parasomnia. i’m at […]

Does anyone ever feel like they are drowning on dry land? I constantly feel like something is weighing me down. All I can think about is everything that is wrong with me or wrong with the world. I have been so angry lately.  I just want to up and leave. I want to go somewhere that I am not known. I want to completely start over. Does anyone ever feel this way? I could use someone to talk to.

I don’t… enjoy anything. I don’t want to do anything. If you knew even half the stuff I’ve… Why bother

Im sorry, mu bad. Its just so much more differemt thsn I remember