This captures my current attitude… empty, and craving proper disposal
my early childhood. back then, when my sadness was not my default emotion. back then, when i had everything. when the world was beautiful. when i wasn’t running on empty. when things were ok. when i was ok. when my household was happy and perfect. everything was perfect. before my disorders started to show up.
yet, that feeling of happiness has become so fleeting, so foreign. i have yet to re-experience the bliss and carelessness i had as a young child. so many things that i cannot remember. but i think back, and i remember how i used to smile. i had a best friend. i […]
Still here at the homeless shelter with my kids. Its been hell on earth since jan 21. I dont get along with the other women here. I miss being treated like a decent human being and being apart of society. I havent recieved any mail since the 1st week of january. My dads sentencing is coming up. I only pray my son gets the justice he deserves for what my dad did to him. Still mad that hes in his nice cozy condo with all my things there, while me an the kids are stuck in a glorified prison. I miss my dogs!!! Friends are […]
i’m not sure if i should mention names or brands or anything, but i’m just asking to make sure this cocktail of drugs could be lethal.
9 cold and flu tablets , 20 paracetamol , around a bottle of cough syrup, a bottle of hand sanitizer and sleeping pills to make the process as painless as possible.
should i add anything else to the mix? i have anti bacterial medication and antidepressants, but i’m not sure if they’ll be effective. i know that bleach disintegrates your insides and is extremely painful. a lot of people have said that overdosing isn’t effective, but i have to try. i’ve […]
i took another walk with my ex tonight. i struggled to maintain a conversation because my mind was so empty. we continued to walk for 30 minutes and when we returned to my house, i sat on the pavement and started crying. i don’t know why i was crying. i don’t know why i feel like this. i feel numb to the point where i cry in pain when i am unable to understand the pain. everything feels wrong. for some reason i have a gut feeling that my ex is struggling or suffering and not telling me about it, but i think that i […]
It’s not surprising that it turned out like this. Her weakness always was that she took things too much at face value. Whether good or bad, she tended to trust the appearance of things. She had faith in people. And I idolized her because her innocent eyes allowed her to view me free of imperfection. It’s ironic that the very same thing that could have saved me, is the same thing that relegated me to this doomed situation. Ironic, perhaps, but not surprising.
This curse is killing me. I see no difference if I go to hell. I am already damned.
A large amount of my issues have to do with ADHD and the combined effects of that, depression and anxiety. That’s as external as I can get; nothing I did wired my brain chemistry like this. I still feel like I should be doing better. I lost my wallet, and there remains a rational island in my mind that says it doesn’t matter, but it’s breaking me slowly but surely.
This whole year so far has been the end stages of the bargaining and beginning of trying to accept. I don’t belong, never have and never will. I really need to find a way to stop […]
I am a Latino and I was sick and tired of hearing all my life “oh he’s such a good kid” all because I didn’t smoke,drink,did drugs or hang out in the streets. It’s like these people expect you to be bad and if you’re not, then you are a weird, square lame guy, what a crazy bunch of people smh
I’m a reader. I read more on this site than write. When I’m feeling suicidal, I like to read other people’s posts. For some reason. It makes me feel… I don’t know, a thrill? Like I’m screaming alone and I come here to hear other people scream. Yes, that must be it. Feels a bit like madness.
My favorite are the posts by people who have it real bad, you know, like tinnitus or chronic pain. They have something real. Something that can never be fixed. No amount of pills or therapy or moving across country or fantasizing will make it go away. I read their […]
How interesting is it that LIVE spelled backwards is EVIL
Not that I believe in reincarnation- just a fun post- but if you could be reincarnated as anything, what would you choose to be and why?
I’ve fallen into the deep abyss- a deep deep pit of depression- and I don’t know how to pull myself out. Not my normal level of every day depression- this is way worse, way deeper, and far harder to come out of.
I just want love, peace and happiness (ok, good health and lots of money to live comfortably). That’s it. That’s all I’ve ever wanted since I was a kid. Yet, the universe decides all I shall have is endless suffering. -_-
and yet again, it begins. the trial. the trial of me having to suffer withdrawal so that they can give me yet another round of a new medication. i’m so tired. i can taste the release of death. it would be so easy. so, so easy. i can taste it. yes, load me up with another drug. because it will be different this time, right? it will last longer this time, right? right?
Quack. Brrrr.
I really think whatsapp has to take the the large part of the responsibility here. Theres something about whatsapp that causes a certain rearrrangement and reshuffling of the brain when it comes to txt messages from a potential romantic interest.
Everything was fine up until last week, txting back and forth, a certain simpatico had been established, She was doing most of the txting and it was pretty cool and then last Saturday I txted and straightaway I felt this vibe, somethings wrong here, shes not txting back. If this had been on another messaging format I doubt I would of cared but theres something about […]
i made paper cut outs today. i laminated them afterwards, and went to cut off the excess plastic. i was in the middle of carefully cutting around the paper, when the overwhelming urge to cut up all of my hair, my skin, and my clothes came over me. nothing triggered it. just an intrusive thought. why do they have to happen, though? my mind is already so cluttered, why does my brain create more mess for me to wade through? i’ve avoided cooking for a very long time because of it.. i can’t even dice vegetables without an intrusive thought telling me to stab myself […]
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I had a strange dream the night before yesterday (maybe it was early morning) in which I saw one of my former friends (by now Ive pushed them all away for good). He was a cool friendly dude back when I knew him and quite healthy as far as I remember. But in this dream he bumped into me at an airport lounge and I was dream shocked at his wasted appearance. His mouth was twisted and spine was crooked. I couldn’t make sense of his impaired speech. Then there was a nonsensical flash back into what had happened to him – he got hit […]