I started with the poetry and prose as a warning, if you are the type who has no time for it, most people are, discard it, it’s what it’s there for

Just behind yesterday, it’s where I buried my trauma

I find myself returning, but to a different yesterday, to fresh soil, to bury new victims, does that make me the killer? no, just the undertaker. I didn’t kill them, I only put them to rest.

and the grave digger puts on the foreceps, the stone mason does all the work, I’m an awful plagerist, but no one notices. Or maybe it’s not plagerism, perhaps it’s an homage […]

There is nothing for me in this life. Nothing in my day to day existence that I care about enough to make it worthwhile. No future possibilities open to me that seem worth pursuing. And that feels… intolerable. Unacceptable. I don’t know how to live without any positive motivation. And that doesn’t mean I’m going to kill myself. Unless my fear of continuing to live overwhelms my fear of death, I doubt I’ll ever do it. Which means I’ll likely go on existing, growing more and more miserable, bitter, and full of pain.

And contemplating that reality makes it seem even more unbearable. So I desperately […]

almost everything else I suggest is suspect. I’m often wrong. My life is not exactly one to be envied. So when I remove all that I know to be false, all that can be doubted, it comes back to this; KBO Keep Buggering On

Apparently Winston Churchill made it famous, my granddad who I’m named after was known to say it (and he fought in the European front of that war, which is probably where he heard it). Keep Buggering On, it’s all any of us can do. I have an interesting challenge in the morning, and if it goes well? I’ll keep buggering on. If […]

Hey there my lovely fellows,

hope y’all are doing okay, considering. I’ve used this forum several years ago, and have been doing a little better for some while but now life came crushing down again. And I really have no idea how to cope with everything. Within two days, my life completely fell apart and I have already been struggling before with stress, self-loathing, PTSD, etc. Well, now I’ve lost my apartment, a good amount of my friends, while some others are a couple of thousand kilometres away and worst of all, I lost my dog. It is so incredibly painful, I only got one year […]

So. I went to community mental health. I was given a diagnosis I did not expect.

it hurts 🙂 at least i think it should. nobody pays any attention, and if they do, they call attention to the negative parts. 

these are all regular feelings but nowadays you can only post the “depressing” stuff on sites like these. socializing is a chore fr.

nothing else to say.

I’m at a point in my life where I’m not able to enjoy anything, I don’t even know what my interests are anymore. I used to be so incredibly passionate about music, but now that i’m in a music program in college i’m realized how incompetent I am in professional settings. It seems like I can’t seem to think any thoughts besides ones that relate to me being a horrible person. My communication skills are complete trash, I don’t even know how to chain words together properly. I want to talk to people and have real strong friendships, but it seems like every time I […]

Why is it, that I get the urge to search up old friends and no one ever tried to find me? They know, where to find me but I’m not that special I guess..

I’m gonna give myself yet another gastric inflammation from all the mental effing stress. I have finally tried to do little attempts to talk to people besides my 2 friends again and yeah, surprise. For the millionth time, I am only an interesting person for a few days max. Most days, it didn’t even bother me but today hit really hard. It’s so bad I am feeling sick to my stomach.

I have […]

never ever say that this is the worst, because life will take it as a challenge. I’ve been suicidal, psychotic, blackout angry, blacout drunk, high, so sick I couldn’t walk and a wide variety of other kinds of fucked up

but life keeps coming up with new. If I wasn’t so pissed and tired I’d be impressed at the creativity. Perhaps there does have to be a creator, can such a screwed up situation as this be created by chance?!

because I’m not suicidal. Not for lack of ability, I certainly could be, if I felt so inclined. Perhaps I will be, what horrors come next, who’s […]

I feel quite unwell mentally. I’m paranoid of people. Isolating.

When is the right time to check-in to a mental health department? How do you know if your situation is bad enough to even ask?

accepting pain like others do. i never do, i never resign myself to it, i delude myself because i am determined to stay attached to this life and its goodies. i easily cast aside those who do not appease me. i want to be a better person but i sometimes think being a better person in my case is just neglecting myself on some level.

Oh well

Go out of their way to maintain an image. I remember my father telling me a bizarre story about when he worked as a bus driver in the late 80’s. Every morning a well dressed and supposedly well to do man would push his way on to the bus saying ” I have a very important meeting this morning, hurry up”. To which my father responded with  “Im not getting paid enough to hurry, sit down”. This man would get off the bus at the cental bank on Dame street and get the elevator to the top floor, five minutes later he would be ejected […]

warning; still might be a little under the influence, but this is all I have to say, all I can anticipate having to say, and lubricated is the only way I can say it, so deal, or don’t, We had boys night and shocker, it was what it says on the tin, we drank and ate greasy food and talked about music and bad ideas.

So I spent at least two hours on the road today for this stupid job fair. Two of the companies I wanted to talk to didn’t show up, like how tacky is that? I showed up, drove 65 miles and two […]

annoy the shit out of me. So frustrating. So vexxing. Some ppl you just wanna slap. Like really.

-_-

I just found out that one of my uncles is a child molester. The police are even involved. I don’t know how to feel. I almost want to believe everything is untrue and that he can’t really be that way, but I saw the evidence.

I don’t feel like I can trust anyone anymore. I know pedos don’t “look” like pedos, but out of everyone I never thought it would be him. He was always so kind and he was so quiet too.

He didn’t do anything to me, but I just feel so sick now thinking about the times I’ve spent with him when I was […]

I like how this is all past tense, like “oh this used to be a problem”, well wake up, it still is. I dread to inform you that I, what I consider a fairly normal midwestern man have at least ten pockets in my everyday outfit IN SUMMER. In winter it can reach such absurd highs as 30 pockets, 30 pockets is an insane amount of pockets.

I particularly like the point where men are compared to marsupials, because that’s what we are, throughout life we aquire more pockets. It is also an interesting contrast, my wife will often inform me of the issue of not […]

1- Men have the most comfortable softest boxers. Meanwhile, women’s underwear ride up, bras are uncomfortable as fuck, and clothes cost 3x more than men. I mean obviously I wear them only at home where no one sees me but yeah, they’re so soft.

2- Bought a pair of men’s workout shorts that came in the mail today. OMG I didn’t know they make them so soft and flexible. I want to buy another pair but it’s no longer on sale and don’t wanna pay full price :'(

I always thought men’s outer clothing were all durable, strong but rough. I guess not all. […]