I was talking to @plainwhite about mourning and then by complete happenstance I stumbled into thinking about my granddad who I’ll never see again in the flesh. I have a lot of those people in my heart. Some of them are still alive, but I doubt I’ll see them anyway. Dead to me just means they’re working really hard never to see my face again. Maybe I’m doing it to them.

Point is Granddad is ash, his brain patterns and soul bits scattered to the wind whatever they were. All that is left is my memories of him, and everyone else who has them as well. […]

I only ever tasted paradise once. I never knew such pleasure existed, even if it was only 20 mins. The girl was an 11 out of 10. I never knew they existed. I was seeing stars with the pleasure. A knock on the door called things to a halt.Being inexperienced, I had only been with my 25 year old girlfriend I thought I preferred girls  older than her again, in their 30’s and 40’s but this girl was a bit under 18.

At the core of it all is that I don’t know how to tolerate my experiences. All of the shame, regret, longing, despair… I don’t know how to experience that, and be ok with it. To exist with it, on an ongoing basis, for however long the rest of my life is. Because it’s always there, in the background. And to not want to run, to not desperately look for distraction, for anything that will momentarily fill my mind with something else… I don’t know how to do that.

And I don’t know if anyone else knows how either. I’m not confident that it’s possible. The […]

Why isn’t this world almost perfect? Shouldn’t we feel great and do amazing things mostly?

What I want, need for success the most is control, just to feel integrated into my world and to feel like I understand and have input in it. Finding balance in this has been the central arc of my mental health journey. I know absolute control is impossible, but more control than I have is also possible. Days like today are hard for a reason, I had to cope with a distinct lack of control, it took significant coping skills to hide how much it shook me, and I probably hid it poorly.

The projects and jobs I succeeded at, I was given multi month timelines […]

I had a nightmare recently where I was escaping some sort of industrial facility along with a lady.

It was clear this morning what we were running from but I can’t quite remember anymore. I think it was a horde of monsters.

The whole place was falling apart for some reason and there were explosions happening all around us and there was fire all over the place.

We were headed for an escape ladder or something that supposedly led to some sort of jet.

Those monsters were right behind us and the path leading up to the ladder fell apart so we had to jump over a large […]

My first time posting here. I explain with words, tears, music, etc, and I’m just met with either silence or surface level positivity. Even in suicide/depressed-focust support groups online, I still feel like an outsider in my own pain. I still feel like an alien to those who are supposed to be feeling just like I do right now. How fucked am I if other depressed people don’t even understand what I’m going through? “But have you tried this?” I’ve tried a million things a million times. I’m not depressed or suicidal for the common reasons most people can relate to. I reach out, and […]

Feeling super heavy lately.
I gave my best at an interview where they said big things promised a higher position, hyped me up and then just… vanished. No updates, no feedback. It’s like being left on read but professionally.

To make it worse, I helped a friend with the same task he didn’t get that role but ended up getting placed in one of their sister concerns. Now he’s casually sharing his news, not even realizing how tough this is for me to hear.

Maybe I’m overthinking… but damn, it stings. Feeling heavy. I imagined about this […]

I’ve been worrying more about AI recently. I had vaguely assumed that it would eventually take over the work I do, whenever someone eventually gets round to training it for that specific purpose. That now seems like a virtual certainty, even if the technology is somehow frozen at current levels. It makes me think it’s probably not even worth the effort to invest in courses to improve or look for ways to find new clients.

But it also seems like people are expecting exponential growth in the next five years. As in AIs coding and training ever more intelligent AIs, to the point where they become […]

https://www.visualcapitalist.com/suicide-in-america-a-closer-look-at-the-statistics
Link

https://www.visualcapitalist.com/americas-happiest-states-in-2024/

Hawaii is ranked #1 at 68.7
-first, it’s kinda sad that 68.7 is THE highest #
-second, it’s pretty sad that 90% of the states score between 40-55%
-only 3 states scored above 60%

I really want to move to HI- BUT- it is super expensive all over HI so…idk.
I’m so tired of being stateside.

@heartless- were you looking into MI or MN? MN shows it being much happier than MI.

Why do you keep living?
Why do you want to die?

Hello, you beautiful human.

I have just registered on this website, maybe five minutes ago. If you’re reading this, it might mean you’re curious to see what people write when they’re at their lowest, or maybe you are one of those individuals writing poems, diary entries, or just short messages for people to read. And, either way, I want you to know that you’re loved. No matter who you are, how old you are or what your situation is, you’re loved. By family, friends, strangers who liked your style when you passed by them on the street, or me. There will always be someone thinking about […]

From a scale of 1-10, with
1= the worst/crappiest to
10= the best/most awesome

Today I’m going to fly to the moon. I’m traveling there to see how things are in a flowers greenhouse. Then I’m coming back to a space station.

Nothing good can come from a night out drinking.  Some years ago I was driving back from the pub not particularly inebriated but not sober either. My passenger was inebriated. Just as we turned onto our road, he lived a couple of doors down, he said ” Careful, watch that dog” and tried to grab the steering wheel off me. ” Relax the fuck, that’s not a dog, that’s a kid, that’s your kid” I said.  ” Is it, it is, what the fuck is his mother doing letting him out at one in the morning” he said.   Nothing good can come from a night […]

Me…I feel like dying

Hi. How is everyone. Just posting since I have started feeling as disconnected as a wire to a tv. I just don’t know how to explain that.

GRRRRRRRRRRR
-_-