My fall is accelerating because I’ve stopped fighting it. Looking back I can see how incredible it is that I kept myself afloat all these years by fighting it. But all it took was to give up for just a short while and already I’m past the point of no return.

People have tried to save me in the past. Exes really tried hard, but they proved to me as well as themselves that when there’s a boulder about to fall you better get out of the way. I’m glad I didn’t ruin their lives, at least I can say that. I’m glad I ghosted everyone, […]

I’m so lost. I have this constant longing for connection, but I don’t feel capable. I’ve turned myself into someone I can’t let anybody else see. Who I can never be honest about.

So if I rule out any kind of connection or meaningful relationship with others… what do I do with that longing? How do I live with it without being self-destructive and addicted and constantly thinking about death? How do I deal with being that alone?

How do I accept this existence I’ve made for myself? Because what can’t be changed must be accepted. But I don’t know how. How to find meaning in a […]

Nothing has changed. Nothing has changed since I first made this account when I was a suicidal 14-year-old. In fact, they’ve gotten worse. Now I’m lonely, socially awkward, and I have a shitty home life.

I go to school to be lonely and I come home to get yelled at by a blisteringly angry BPD mother because she had a bad day at work.  I don’t have anywhere to escape. I don’t have friends so I have no where to stay. I have no family so I have no where to stay. My only escape is death but I can never get myself […]

I used to post here when I was a teenager, and now I’m in my late twenties, so. The more things change, etc. Sorry if any of this is out of place. I haven’t gone reading around.

On the one hand, even just making a new account here made me remember the problems I used to be dealing with, and I’m at least doing much better than I was the last time I was around in, like, all of those old areas. On the other hand, it’s bleak and soul crushing in a way that I can’t put into words that instead of being able to […]

Sometimes I think about death and I feel like I wouldn’t mind dying, like I’ve accepted it if it were to come and I can even feel a release or be happy about it and at the same time after these thoughts and feelings I also have an image in my mind like what if there’s a different plane of existence on the other side and I would feel trapped there and it would be boring. What do you think about this?

My mind is doing that thing where I remember everyone that I used to have in my life, everyone that left. I’m wondering, not for the first time, if every single relationship and friendship fell apart because of me. If multiple people decide that I’m not worth staying for then something I do or a part of who I am must be the reason. I’ve tried to change parts of myself a few times, act like some sort of chameleon that fits in perfectly to what someone wants. It used to work for a short while, allow me to make a temporary home in a […]

I had this idea, based on this job as a successful thing, a minor assumption, but crazier things have happened.

So suppose I stick with it a few years, get my masters in clinical psychology from a very respected school and in the meantime make inroads with this rapidly expanding company in the field of autism therapy, now get ready this gets organization politics, a bit machiavelian and definitely agressive;

I campaign for a new clinic in a city with the university I want to go to, where I will work for them, even sign a contract for a set period of time if they need me […]

I live with a toxic father someone who can be kind when he’s in a good mood, but the moment he faces problems, he turns cold and takes it out on everyone in whatever way he chooses. My mother endures it all in silence. She pushes herself beyond her limits every day, and I can see how it’s destroying her mentally too.

As for me, I’m anti-social, working a 9-to-6 job, with no real friends or emotional support. I feel like I’m just barely surviving each day. There’s this gut-wrenching weight inside me as if I could vanish without anyone […]

I find it extremely hard to fall asleep without pills. My mind just won’t let go of consciousness. Because the universe is wrong. Everything is wrong. Nothing is ok. And something must be done.

But there’s nothing to be done. What’s done is done. Can’t un-see what’s been seen. Can’t forget how it felt. Can’t pursue the one thing that actually seems meaningful now.

So my mind keeps me awake, over a problem that can’t be solved.

In order to pursue a life that seems meaningful, you have to be a semi-decent human being. I’m not capable of reaching that low bar. Ever. I’ve infected my mind with […]

I want to thank myself for my particular strategy that seems to keep being the incentive the world seems to need to react in a certain way. Not that I’m not thankful for it. Not that I have regrets, just that the connection just occured to me and I felt the desire to share about it, because it could be simple random circumstance.

You know what I was getting ready to do, as these two interview offers followed by a very quick job offer? I was preparing to apply for jobs for the next three or four years. I was settling in for an endless pointless […]

I just want to talk about something that crossed my mind since recreating my reddit account days ago and that is, if your family members or real life friends, maybe your partners find out that you had been writing suicide letters here; how would you feel?

Because that happened to me in my past relationship and it felt strange.

Okay, so I was suicidal and having thoughts about my relationship then. I won’t divulge much since I myself don’t remember but what I do know was how freakish it felt when my ex (then-bf) replied to my suicide letter, etc on reddit. I know he […]

I’m ashamed of myself. The amount of space I take up.

I’m a selfish piece of shit. A fucking parasite that ruins everything I come across.

Answer the front door. I had just finished ham sandwiches with coleslaw and egg mayonnaise, tea two cups of, and a chocolate eclair. What I fancied now was a reefer and Dreyer’s ‘Day of Wrath’. The doorbell rang, I don’t answer doorbells for the reason one will usually encounter some sales pitch. I was expecting female company so for that reason against my own policy I opened the front door teacup in hand. There was a man and woman about mid 4O’s who both flashed these badges quite quickly ,  ” Police” the guy said. There was no car outside, they were plainclothes, seemed like […]

I’m bowled over, I didn’t think an employer was going to give in this easy, ever. I got the job, for those of you who don’t want to read my rambling on, and I don’t blame you at all if you don’t.

It’s just, wow, I wasn’t planning on giving up so easy either but I don’t see how anyone can offer me any better is the thing. Not a particularly bad commute, as they go. As good a shift as any, eight hours, weekdays. I get to play with autistic kids all day. I mean, worst bit of it is that I have to change […]

I haven’t officially completed my undergraduate degree yet. I’m in my final semester. I got the chance to start working early and took it, but I couldn’t keep up with everything. Over time, I’ve become increasingly disillusioned with people almost everyone. There are many things I genuinely enjoy, but I haven’t been able to fully pursue even one. I’m earning now, but there’s no real happiness in it. Life feels exhausting full of masks and meaningless routines.

Both my personal and work life feel completely messed up. I don’t know where to turn, what to say, or what to do. […]

How can “experts” be right when half the “experts” say 1 thing and the other half the exact opposite? Even when you have a consensus among “experts” like drs or therapists, they are often wrong. Most scientific “research” is funded by either Big Phar.ma or some other organization that has a stake in the outcome. So can we really trust any “research” that is out there?

We all “laugh” at the stupid medical shit ppl did back in the “old days,” like giving kids and babies cocaine for their toothaches or just to stop them from crying. The “coca” in coca-cola […]

As alluded to in my other post, it’s been a wild couple of days. Had to update treatment plan, first off, which should be non dramatic, but it isn’t because I’m low level suicidal and my treatment plan people want me not at all suicidal…. and that’s kinda too bad for them…. it aint happening when life is how it’s going right now. They always have to ask if I felt like committing in the last thirty days, and I did, somewhere in the last 30, I’m not super firm on dates but I’m relatively sure I thought about throwing myself off that bridge that […]

I mean, I see this as conservative fear mongering, they aren’t seeing this as the beacon of hope it clearly is for people like us who can’t die, who might need a way out, who are being tortured with endless frustration, I’m about to post a seperate thing about my latest frustrations.

If my doctor said; we can help you die, it’ll be painless, your organs will go to save lives, we’ll give your family grief counseling, I’d be ready to go. That’s what is being talked about here. I understand that it’s being offered to people who don’t want it, and that’s wrong, but to […]

Sometimes I worry that if I’m known and then people would talk badly of the things i did in my past and pass it around if that makes sense. I had always feared that I would get captured behind cameras in public, passing by an event in what I think is my true form. The form my parents doesn’t know. It can be said that I think too much of the future that hasn’t happened yet.

I notice that my own offenses get replayed by my head obsessively that I get self-conscious trying to interact in spaces where they were people that had seen my […]

Self-Help Books are Fucking Bullshit.

Either it’s all “think positive” crap or it tells us to “just think differently.”

Yeah well thinking differently doesn’t change the facts- if you are poor or sick or have no job, or a job that pays shit, “thinking different” or “thinking everything is fine” isn’t going to magically change your situation or make your problems go away.

Actual lines in this self-help book I’m reading:
“We think that wanting is the source of our satisfaction. In fact, it is the source of our dissatisfaction.”
“To want to is believe that you are lacking, inadequate.
The present moment lacks nothing. The […]