I wish I knew how to ever be proud of anything I’ve done. I woke up this morning thinking about every place I’ve missed the mark on my goals;

the kind of family I wanted to have

the person I wanted to marry

the degrees I wanted to get

the place I wanted to live

Now here’s the weird thing; I have other things to fill those slots. On paper, it should be lovely. Yet, my heart aches in the suspicion that I will never see satisfaction in this life.

It isn’t so much that not existing would be better, given that I wouldn’t experience it. The thing I wish I […]

When you are an average joe and you dont have a legit reason why you want to put a hole through your head…

my mom tells me that its just because of quarantine and that my emotions rise when im tired. shes right about one thing, im tired. i cant sleep until 3-5 am and i feel like roadkill that just recently got run over and is still alive, experienceing organ failure. i have two voices in my head now: the one that makes me count and tap things 5 times and the one that tells me to just grab some ibuprofen and fucking overdose because nobody wants me anymore. i know that the second voice (his name is steven) isnt true because my girlfriend loves me but […]

What kind of a person prides himself on never shedding a tear or really ever caring when their mother or father dies? This is the asshole I am married to.  His dad was a nice guy. He died yesterday and he just shrugged it off as if he deserved to die for believing in the wrong religion.  He suffered with COVID and then Pneumonia for three weeks and died struggling to take a breath.

My husband is a selfish person who believes he is smarter and better than everyone else.  He enjoys making everyone’s live just as miserable as possible.  He is one of many reasons […]

See your oldest son wither away right before your eyes. I’m a parent of a 6 and 4 year old. I am a veteran who could barley stand on two feet before the military. Sprinkle some uncle sam b/s into the equation and you have damaged goods.

But as a parent…what’s it like to watch your oldest son wither away like an parched plant. I know it’s gotta be tough. I have ignored and self medicated my mental illness to the point where I am debilitated. They are old school and wounds you can’t see dont exist. Plus, being 34 on the cot in the […]

I suddenly couldn’t feel anymore. It take the adrenaline from the fight or flight response just to get out of bed in the morning. I have the opportunity to say bye as everything crumbles around me. Soon I’ll probably be admitted to the hospital if I make it that far. It pains me to wake up every morning knowing that someone else could use my wasted life to do great things.

I usually hide in hotel rooms due to not having a stable living situation. I made enough money to do so back when I was contracting for the military. Can’t afford it now. No where to hide the meltdown of drinking myself to sleeping pill after sleeping pill. This time in particular its bad. It’s more physical than it’s ever been.

I woke up this morning and didn’t go to work. I drove around in circles. I’m homeless save that I have a child in two separate locations. So I sleep on a cot during the week and a guest bed on the weekends. I have no energy and all. I only experience life through the veil of depression and utter calamity.

I’m a veteran and father of 2 small children. Thankfully their mothers/grandmothers are still around in my absence. And to be honest I’ve been absent for quite some time. I cannot remember my last genuine smile. My illness is so bad that I’ve been […]

If one day you wake up and I’m gone don’t cry, don’t grieve, don’t write paragraphs about how much you loved me because when I was alone in my darkest hours, you weren’t the one that would stay up at night to make sure I was alright, don’t say I was a wonderful girl and wonder how people be so cruel because on some ways, you were the reason I might’ve took my own life away that night.. -TF

Cut it into your body,
Burn it into your soul.
Your mind
Is not in control.
————————————

I don’t want to take pills, I don’t want to do therapy, I don’t want to do anything: I just want to wake up and be okay.

So. Fucking. Useless. Yeah, I’m talking about myself. I try my best to help people but in the end, I think I never did. So if I can’t help myself and not even help others, then what else is there to do.? Why do I even bother with things like that… It just hit midnight and I feel unwell, as if someone had walked right through me. I don’t want this life. May I have a different one..?

okay so im literally so afraid a killing myself but I think it would be better if I could myself with someone else so if there’s anyone out there and wants to die but is afraid to die on their own please email me… I only wish for death now I couldn’t ask for anything greater or less shattering glass and no one knows it just sits there on the ground for weeks, for months,then years. im slowly drowning and everyone around me doesn’t know.help please I don’t want to die alone

andriannamueller@gmail.com

Not suicide related

The world has gone to shit. It already was. I suppose I will throw the question out there, does anyone really think that governments and politicians actually care about you?
And question everything, and don’t believe everything the mainstream media tells you.
I wish I could be gone. But again, I help care for my mum. I really desire to be gone though. There’s nothing here for me. The world isn’t going to get better anytime soon, if ever. I’d never want to leave her really, nor would want her to discover me dead. But yeah, dying is too difficult anyway for me, […]

guys im having a hard time right now….i just want to give up…but dont we all

> andriannamueller@gmail.com

^email

I’m depressed. He left because he’s not “strong enough to help me” …I just wanted a happy life…I love him so much. I love him so much and I can’t function, i can’t smile, i don’t want to live anymore…he came yesterday and stayed the night and this morning he hugged me …and it was so perfect…untill he said “i’m so sorry I can’t offer you what you deserve”. “Nothing  has change, i don’t want to believe in us, that things could be different and then disappoint you, i’m sorry I can’t” ..It crushed me. I’m nothing but pain. I vomited right after he left, […]

that my only contact with humans these days is online through a suicide site?

I don’t really have friends. I don’t go anywhere, talk to anyone, etc. And no, covid isn’t an excuse. I’ve always been this way, except my depression is worse now.

All I do is watch videos and feel shit about my life. Yup, that’s pretty much my life.

What if there was like a city, or a whole village, of just us depressed people? Wouldn’t that be interesting?

Hey SP’ers, let’s fill in the blank. What words would describe yourself?

Me- Loser, defeated, hopeless

I know we cannot be unborn or un-exist, but man, wouldn’t it have been nice not to be here suffering in the first place?

And why do we have to suffer so much? Why can’t I just be a happy fucker like some of the people out there? Yeah sure, not everyone is happy. But not everyone is depressed and miserable either.

To be alive and have to either kill yourself or live a tormented life sucks. My own self and my mind is my worst enemy. Sigh. How terrible that knowing you yourself is your own worst enemy?

Ive been reading suicideproject posts for many many years now, but ive never expected myself to actually post anything here.

Why would I?

You know, I have this diary.. someone told me long ago, that writing my problems down along with the current date might help me get through things. That, looking back at these problems after years, will make me realise how small they were.

My first entry was made the night I ran away, hid in the woods, cold, scared, hurt, with no one to turn to. After that, it was basically a long series of entries, it was me dealing with the whole thing, with […]